My hubby cheated and I have lost all intimate feelings for him

Please hide my ID. I need help I have been married for over 10 years and in 2019 when I was expecting our fourth child I suspected my husband was cheating on me with our house girl. In 2020 I confirmed my fears, I confronted my husband and released the girl but now my worry is I lost every feeling with my husband. However much I try I don’t feel like being intimate with him. I have prayed and fasted but it's draining me and I feel like am losing it. Kindly help.

READER’S ADVICE

It hurts when your significant other cheats on you. Being intimate again can be a challenge. Please console yourself that you are not consciously to blame for the state of affairs, so don't overstrain yourself with so many prayers and fasting for a mistake that is strictly not yours. You cannot however recover from this alone. Have a sit down either with a respected family member, friend or counsellor and discuss your feelings of betrayal. 

You need to be convinced that your partner is remorseful for his action. Once he does so, then you must strive for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a difficult road but it can be done. Once you have forgiven, move on as indeed there can still be life (and marriage) after cheating.

Drive Counseling Centre, Kitengela

It is important not to rush into physical intimacy or to use sex as a way of holding the relationship together. The focus should be on re-establishing emotional intimacy and trust. Once you both feel emotionally intimate, sexual intimacy will naturally re-appear. 

 One of the most important things when dealing with any problem is acceptance. You need to be able to accept that after the infidelity in the relationship, the relationship changed. However, although what your partner did to you was terrible, the change in the relationship may not necessarily be a bad thing and over time you may find a deeper, more open and honest level to the relationship. Learn to heal.

Fred Jausenge, Dubai, UAE 

You have not come to terms with what happened and maybe you need to hear his apology and see remorse from him but this can only happen in an environment outside your house. Let him know how you feel, and ask him questions that bring out his empathy. Express your insecurity and if need be seek professional help. 

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri.

Infidelity in marriage is understandably very painful. You are hurting and you need healing. It's good you confronted your husband instead of keeping it to yourself. If he is remorseful and commits to change, try forgiveness in order to obtain the desired healing. You may also consider visiting a therapist for counselling.

John Wambugu 

It is not easy to be in a relationship with someone for whom you don't have feelings. From your narration, it seems you haven’t gotten over your husband’s cheating. You did not genuinely forgive him and that is why whenever you try to be intimate with him it becomes hard. Even prayers can only be heard when one has let go of the hard feelings. I know it is not easy but try to forgive.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

EXPERT’S TAKE

When someone you share life with becomes unfaithful it can be disheartening. Once you confirmed your fears you chose a number of avenues. Based on this dialogue you chose to stay in your marriage. That can only mean that you hoped for your relationship to continue with some form of harmony. For this to work you must let go of the past especially if you can confidently see that your husband has tried to better himself. On the other hand, if he has not changed then it is understandable that you do not feel like being intimate with him. You have a choice to make. If you chose to stay, do so because you have forgiven and he has shown that he wants to make things work otherwise your eventuality will be futile. 

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I have been in a relationship for about five years. We are quite different but I really love my woman (she is a bit older than I am) but I’m really affectionate about her. For the past year, we've been having fights about our sex life and this has simply ruined every single plan we make. Every single time I try to make love to her it's all insults and so much negativity. However, everything else in our relationship works, but when sex is mentioned everything changes. We used to be very intimate before, but it all changed when we got a child. This rejection has mentally affected me and I'm not able to control my feelings. It’s also sad that I always have to initiate sex and if I don't we can stay up to a month without her saying anything about it. I know I can cheat but I'm really a loyal guy. We live together, she goes to work, while I’m a business person. I'm tired of looking so desperate. I'm too drained and no longer find purpose in the relationship. I need help.

Have a relationship dilemma? Email us at [email protected]

Please hide my ID. I need help I have been married for over 10 years and in 2019 when I was expecting our fourth child I suspected my husband was cheating on me with our house girl. In 2020 I confirmed my fears, I confronted my husband and released the girl but now my worry is I lost every feeling with my husband. However much I try I don’t feel like being intimate with him. I have prayed and fasted but it's draining me and I feel like am losing it. Kindly help.

READER’S ADVICE

It hurts when your significant other cheats on you. Being intimate again can be a challenge. Please console yourself that you are not consciously to blame for the state of affairs, so don't overstrain yourself with so many prayers and fasting for a mistake that is strictly not yours. You cannot however recover from this alone. Have a sit down either with a respected family member, friend or counsellor and discuss your feelings of betrayal. 

You need to be convinced that your partner is remorseful for his action. Once he does so, then you must strive for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a difficult road but it can be done. Once you have forgiven, move on as indeed there can still be life (and marriage) after cheating.

Drive Counseling Centre, Kitengela

It is important not to rush into physical intimacy or to use sex as a way of holding the relationship together. The focus should be on re-establishing emotional intimacy and trust. Once you both feel emotionally intimate, sexual intimacy will naturally re-appear. 

 One of the most important things when dealing with any problem is acceptance. You need to be able to accept that after the infidelity in the relationship, the relationship changed. However, although what your partner did to you was terrible, the change in the relationship may not necessarily be a bad thing and over time you may find a deeper, more open and honest level to the relationship. Learn to heal.

Fred Jausenge, Dubai, UAE 

You have not come to terms with what happened and maybe you need to hear his apology and see remorse from him but this can only happen in an environment outside your house. Let him know how you feel, and ask him questions that bring out his empathy. Express your insecurity and if need be seek professional help. 

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri.

Infidelity in marriage is understandably very painful. You are hurting and you need healing. It's good you confronted your husband instead of keeping it to yourself. If he is remorseful and commits to change, try forgiveness in order to obtain the desired healing. You may also consider visiting a therapist for counselling.

John Wambugu 

It is not easy to be in a relationship with someone for whom you don't have feelings. From your narration, it seems you haven’t gotten over your husband’s cheating. You did not genuinely forgive him and that is why whenever you try to be intimate with him it becomes hard. Even prayers can only be heard when one has let go of the hard feelings. I know it is not easy but try to forgive.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

EXPERT’S TAKE

When someone you share life with becomes unfaithful it can be disheartening. Once you confirmed your fears you chose a number of avenues. Based on this dialogue you chose to stay in your marriage. That can only mean that you hoped for your relationship to continue with some form of harmony. For this to work you must let go of the past especially if you can confidently see that your husband has tried to better himself. On the other hand, if he has not changed then it is understandable that you do not feel like being intimate with him. You have a choice to make. If you chose to stay, do so because you have forgiven and he has shown that he wants to make things work otherwise your eventuality will be futile. 

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I have been in a relationship for about five years. We are quite different but I really love my woman (she is a bit older than I am) but I’m really affectionate about her. For the past year, we've been having fights about our sex life and this has simply ruined every single plan we make. Every single time I try to make love to her it's all insults and so much negativity. However, everything else in our relationship works, but when sex is mentioned everything changes. We used to be very intimate before, but it all changed when we got a child. This rejection has mentally affected me and I'm not able to control my feelings. It’s also sad that I always have to initiate sex and if I don't we can stay up to a month without her saying anything about it. I know I can cheat but I'm really a loyal guy. We live together, she goes to work, while I’m a business person. I'm tired of looking so desperate. I'm too drained and no longer find purpose in the relationship. I need help.

Have a relationship dilemma? Email us at [email protected]