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MEN&WOMEN: Warning signs of emotional abuse
Abusive men always seem perfect at first, but often, things go way too fast. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH
What you need to know:
- Your boyfriend’s need for control is usually driven by insecurity, although from his confident manner you’d probably never guess.
- Although you’re probably miserable, your boyfriend convinces you that you’d be unhappy anywhere.
- And if you push back, he becomes really sweet. Breakfast in bed, an expensive lunch, jewellery.
- You believe that’s the real him, and that if you tried harder, he’d be like that all the time.
Is he possessive; hacking into your computer, tracking your car, preventing you from seeing friends and family? It’s time to leave
Maybe your boyfriend has never punched you, but he puts you down. Or perhaps he’s possessive; hacking into your computer, tracking your car, preventing you from seeing your friends and family.
Maybe he tells you you’re stupid. Makes insulting remarks about your body. Or your clothes. Or he’s totally controlling. Insisting on telling you how you should pack a shopping trolley, manage the house or wash yourself. One man I heard about wouldn’t let his girlfriend shut the bathroom door — ever.
Abusive men always seem perfect at first, but often, things go way too fast. He says you’re the love of his life on your second date, and starts talking about having children together. There are wonderful gifts and hugely romantic gestures. Thus, although your boyfriend might seem a little obsessive, you overlook it. Misinterpreting manipulation as love. It all seems too good to be true. And it is.
Because real men don’t fall in love that fast. So why do abusers make such quick commitments? Many have personality disorders, despite which they can be charming. But they almost always do things that would make you suspicious if you weren’t so dazzled. Like they’re hugely inconsiderate in traffic. Treat waitresses like dirt. Hate not getting their way, have terrible tempers, and they are forever going on about ungrateful exes.
But you don’t say anything because he’s being so nice to you. It never crosses your mind that he could mistreat you. And so you don’t realise you’re being abused.
But you are. You’re being coercively controlled. Manipulated, humiliated, isolated and stalked.
Your boyfriend’s need for control is usually driven by insecurity, although from his confident manner you’d probably never guess. And so he starts to cut you off from your family and friends. It’s always sugar coated: ‘Don’t go out tonight, let’s do something together.’ So you end up with no one to give you an alternative view of what’s normal. You think it’s all your fault that he doesn’t seem happy. Maybe you even feel lucky to have someone who puts up with you. Because by now you feel inadequate and worthless.
So, why don’t you leave?
Although you’re probably miserable, your boyfriend convinces you that you’d be unhappy anywhere. And if you push back, he becomes really sweet. Breakfast in bed, an expensive lunch, jewellery. You believe that’s the real him, and that if you tried harder, he’d be like that all the time.
But most often it’s because leaving isn’t a single event, it’s a process. And if you don’t start the process, you’ll never leave. So quietly organise your finances, look for somewhere to live, make new friends, start removing your valuables one at a time …
He may talk about counselling, but probably won’t even turn up. Because people with personality disorders never take responsibility for their own behaviour. And don’t imagine you can change him. Nothing you can do will make any difference. So don’t blame yourself. Just leave.
