Kuya and I have reconciled. Over to you, Ruto and Raila


 Kuya and I do not agree on anything. Whether it is by design or otherwise, we just find ourselves on the opposite side of practically everything.

Photo credit: John Nyaga | Nation Media Group

Like I always do, I went to school very early last Monday. I found no teacher in school and, as you would expect, no order. Students were just loitering aimlessly, doing nothing. Since we never agreed on the next head boy after the staffroom conspired to fire Branton, Catherine’s son, there was no one to lead the students in the absence of teachers.

I immediately took control and put things in order. I was fuming as I entered the staffroom later on, after single-handedly presiding over the school parade, and asked who was the teacher on duty. I was not surprised to hear that it was Kuya.

He was unreachable when I called him and did not respond to any of my text messages even though they were delivered. Every teacher I asked to stand in for him refused.

“Why should I stand in for someone who will never stand in for me?” Asked Lena. Anita pretended not to hear what I said while Sella, the mother of Kuya’s son, said she was busy. It was only later that Kuya called back.

“Don’t you know it is Maandamano Monday, Dre?” He asked me.

“So, are you out there in the streets protesting?” I asked, reminding him that it was a normal working day.

“No, I stayed here for my safety since I wasn’t sure it would be safe to go out,” he said. “Being one of the prominent people here, I feared I may be targeted.”

I told him Mwisho wa Lami was safe and ordered him to come to school immediately. He said he feared for his life and property.

“Just watch TV and see what is happening. I must stay and protect my property,” he said.

He was talking about a quarter an acre of land that he bought two years ago and on which he planted eucalyptus trees. Although he always brags about it, the owner has wanted to sell it to me, saying Kuya only paid a third of the sale price.

“If we are not careful, we will slide into anarchy,” said Alex the next morning as we reviewed the events of the previous day.

“Unless peace prevails, even education will be affected,” I added, before wondering. “Why can’t President Ruto and Raila just sit and talk?”

“Talk over what?” Jumped in Sella. All the government needs to do is lower food prices.”

“And who raised the food prices in the first place?” Asked Alex, charging at Sella menacingly. I had to stand in between them to avoid anything bad from happening. “Let us not bring politics here, guys,” I said. “This is not politics, it is an economic matter,” said Sella.

“I agree that Ruto and Raila should talk,” said Kuya. “But they should talk about how to have credible elections.”

“Elections were credible and even the Supreme Court cleared them. What is he to talk about?” Alex cut him off.

“Funny that some people are asking Ruto and Raila to talk when they cannot agree on anything in this school,” said Anita.

“I tell you!” Added Lena. “It will be easier for Ruto and Raila to sit and agree than for Dre and Kuya to even share a drink.”

She was right. Kuya and I do not agree on anything. Whether it is by design or otherwise, we just find ourselves on the opposite side of practically everything. I am hardworking while he is lazy, I am an early riser while he would rather never wake up at all, I subscribe to the Athenian philosophy of education while he leans on Spartan concepts (which he does not even understand); I am pro-women while his is pro-no one, I believe in family while he believes in nothing (otherwise he would have married Sella…) and the list goes on and on.

I am God-fearing while Kuya only fears hot porridge. I dress sharply while he wears anything he finds when he wakes up. The only thing we seem to agree on is that Hitler’s is a place every man must visit every day. Oh, and we both love loan apps. We keep on downloading them, borrowing money and deleting the apps.

As a result of our differences, we always seem to take different positions over all school matters, causing conflict in school. From the appointment of prefects to the duty roster; from time of arrival to the need for having remedial lessons; from him insisting we host junior secondary school this year while I would rather that we wait till next year when we will be ready...

“These your differences will sink this school,” said Anita. “Imagine if you did not disagree on remedial lessons for Class Eight last year. We would have posted great results.”

“Can we talk about possible things?” asked Alex. “Forget about impossibilities like Kuya and Dre agreeing on anything. I can tell you even Kuya may stop swallowing saliva if he hears that that is what Dre does!”

That stung both of us. I wondered if indeed we can’t agree. I remembered the many attempts to reconcile us that had failed. I called Apostle Elkana, the last man who tried to reconcile us — unsuccessfully.

Inspired, Kuya also called Hitler. The two men came to school later that evening and sat the two of us together. I will not tell you what was agreed but I can report to you that a truce was brokered and we agreed to work together for the betterment of Mwisho wa Lami Primary School.

Other teachers were shocked to see us working together from Wednesday, agreeing on everything

“Yenyewe if Kuya and Dre can agree, nothing stops Ruto and Raila from sitting down and agreeing,” said Madam Ruth. “You took that from my mouth,” added Mrs Atika.

I couldn’t agree with them more! Thanks for the peace. I can say that the past one week has been the most successful in Mwisho wa Lami Primary with a lot of pending things unlocked. And we are reaping personal benefits from this truce as well.

Already, I have reinstated Kuya as acting deputy while Branton is back, unopposed, as head boy. No one will question who I have chosen to supply some unnamed things in school while I agreed not to report to TSC the small CK case that Kuya has. The future of Mwisho wa Lami is bright!

Dear Mr President and former Prime Minister Raila, if Kuya and I can bury our differences, why can’t you? I can assure you that even from a personal perspective, the benefits are many. You don’t have to tell us how you will benefit. Neither do you need to share power. Just sit and talk. If you have no mediators, Hitler and Apostle Elkana are on standby to mediate! Call them!