What you need to know:
Jedida is comfortable with casual sex with her ‘service’ man but wonders why he does not satisfy her
There are women and men who have decided that marriage is not the thing for them. They are singles by choice.
“Single and not searching is what it is,” Jedida says when I meet her at the Sexology Clinic, “you know, people offer me their sympathies when this topic comes up, but I really don’t need it.”
Jedida, an educated and independent-minded woman, is 38 and a human resource manager in an international organisation. She has two children, a girl, and a boy and owns property in the city including the house she lived in.
“I am a single mother by choice and I am not troubling any man with child support litigations,” she shares and adds, “I have no regrets as I made these decisions consciously.”
“So what brings you to the clinic today?” I ask so as to focus our discussion on her needs. She goes quiet for a minute, fumbling with her fingers, while avoiding eye contact. I could tell that she had uncomfortable issues to discuss.
“Do not judge me, I know you may find me weird,” she says.
It was about her sexuality. Even though she had decided to stay single, she had sexual needs. She enjoyed sex and often got an orgasm.
“I sometimes use sex toys,” she says, “but there is the human touch that toys do not give you.”
To get the human touch, Jedida had what she called a ‘service’ man. In her own words, a man with benefits is a male who offers sex and leaves once it’s done without disturbing or bothering you.
“This is not prostitution,” she defends, “it is for mutual leisure, nobody is paid for anything beyond the fun.”
“So what problem brings you to the clinic today?” I ask again. I wanted to get to the issue of concern. Sexual relationships are complex and as a professional, I have learnt not to judge. Whether it is the use of toys, a ‘service’ man, prostitution, a ‘hidden’ wife, or any other arrangement it is up to the person, not me. The only important thing is that the values and the practice of the person should be concordant to avoid psychological stress.
“You see, doc, the ‘service’ man isn’t satisfying me,” Jedida states, “he doesn’t seem to know his game.”
Jedida felt empty after having sex with her ‘service’ man. While she climaxed once in a while, it was not the norm. The orgasm itself left her empty and sad.
Sexual satisfaction has two components. While physical prowess is important, the foreplay, penetration, and the rest of the process need to be skillfully executed. Even then, full satisfaction is not achieved unless the second component is present – emotional connection.
Emotional connection is important in sex. For most women, sex is the ultimate culmination and affirmation that the person is worthy of your everything, yes, everything! There is nothing deeper than a woman having sex with a man. The woman needs to be fully vulnerable and let go of her humanity to enjoy sex at a spiritual level which is what brings fulfillment. It is only when such depth is reached that meaning and satisfaction are derived.
“But I cannot be vulnerable to that man,” Jedida defends, “remember ours is no-strings-attached!”
Well, choices do have consequences. It is fine to have sex to fulfil physical needs. In fact, it is the easier thing to do. Engaging the emotional gear calls for many strings to be attached to the act, including the string of friendship, companionship, interdependence, and most of all opening up to vulnerability.
“I had a man I loved, I gave all this to him and he disappointed me,” Jedida shares.
“I still miss him 10 years later, and I do not want to make that mistake again.”
The diagnosis was clear; Jedida broke up with a man she loved and had not healed from the breakup. She was left heartbroken and being strong-willed decided to move on with her life in a different way. Unfortunately, a strong will does not always heal a broken heart.
“You need therapy to heal first then you can decide on how to manage your sexuality going forward,” I tell her.
“That may include thinking of how to go back to the man I loved,” she said waking up from her seat, “that is not anything I want to go back to, allow me to continue with my service man.”
And with that, she hurried out of the room banging the door behind her.