I moved in with the man I was cheating with, I feel he doesn’t love me

I’m 31 years old and a mother of three. I was in a marriage that was emotionally draining. Last year, I fell into a temptation and cheated on my husband. After a while, I left my then husband and in the following month, moved in with the man I was cheating him with. I conceived immediately and had a daughter. My problem is, I still harbour feelings for my ex-husband and the father to my other two children. I feel that the current man doesn't love me. This is because I have been mocked by his brother without him defending me. All they do is laugh as if nothing has happened. Should I just leave this marriage and be on my own or what should I do? Kindly advise me.

READER’S ADVICE

You need to evaluate and then adjust your marking scheme for attention and love. You felt the first man was not there for you and now this one doesn't love you enough. The reality is that an affair is preferable to a marriage as it tends to offer one what's lacking but it's not sustainable. The commitments and responsibilities in a marriage aren't to be taken for granted. You moved in with the new guy too fast, throwing caution to the wind and hence the immediate conception and the "diminishing" love. My take is: See a professional therapist to help you trace your true love. 

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

The scornful laughter from your partner sums it all. Your move from your marital home was not well thought of. The idea of moving back to your husband is not good either as the presence of your third born will be a constant reminder of your wrong move. For your solace, don't impose yourself on your former partners, seek independence and raise your children as a single mother, at least in the short term.

Drive Counseling Centre-Kitengela

Grass always looks greener on the other side. You thought the man in question would be a source of joy to you, but he turned out to be a source of misery. The truth is that he just wanted your body and that is why he doesn't care anymore. They laugh because of how you fell prey to his tricks. He knows very well that the way you left your husband for him is the same way you can do it to him. About the feelings you have for your ex-husband, this is normal because you were together for a longer period. You need to do some soul searching so you can make a sound decision.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

EXPERT’S TAKE

It is important to apply some form of context to your story to understand your core issue that drove you to your current dilemma. The key word is drained. It explains your mental burden while in your marriage. The mistake you made was to think that the remedy was another man. 

Your only logical option should have been to take a break from men so that you can evaluate what you really needed at the time. Your need for companionship landed you with a man who was not there for you. In my opinion, you rushed from one relationship into another one hoping that decision would be the answer to your quest. You need space to reinvent yourself. You also need that time to find out where a combination of balance and happiness will come from. It is important to self-reflect to avoid half-baked ventures that weigh on you emotionally. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Hello, after having a relationship dilemma for two years now, I've decided to share. I have two ladies, each with my child and I don't know who to choose.

 I messed up, and I regret my actions deeply. At the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, I moved to the city to start my new job, a year after my graduation. I had left my five months’ pregnant girlfriend, Alice, back in the village. She was still living at her parents, even up to now. 

 Due to lockdown, we didn't see each other for another three months. During this time, I met a lady in the city, at the flat I was living in. I'll refer to her as Trisha. One day, my friends and I went for drinks; it was my first time ever getting drunk. 

I somehow gathered confidence and approached Trisha at her apartment. I moved in with her after a month. Although I still supported Alice all through with everything and I'd spare time to go see her, I continued with my escapades back in the city.

To cut a long story short, I ended up impregnating Trisha and supported her all through to delivery of our baby girl. Although Alice kept insisting about coming to the city to pay me a visit, I would come up with excuses as to why she couldn’t visit.

Later, I came to find out that Alice was seeing someone else, and my stay with Trisha was cut short after I realised that we are not compatible.

I still have feelings for Alice, and I was afraid of losing my son, so I didn’t tell her about Trisha, and she is yet to find out. I think she has fallen apart with her new man because she has been chatting me up, requesting that we get back together for the sake of our son. I am compatible with her.

The truth is, in as much as I don’t want to be with Trisha, she has told me a couple of times that if I ever leave her, I should forget about our child.

I don’t know what to do.  

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