I married her young, but she left for another union after 14 years of marriage

Q: I have been with my wife for 14 years, and we have two sons aged seven and 10. I met my wife when she was 19 and I was 26; she has just recently turned 32.  Three years ago she had a brief affair and I was devastated, but we worked on the issue and managed to keep our family together. This made me develop trust issues and caused a few marital problems. 

I later discovered that my wife was restless, coming home and she had changed her attitude. I confronted her and she admitted that she was seeing someone else. She stated that she wanted a separation and moved out immediately, leaving me with our two children. She has now moved in with this other man, telling me that I was too hard to talk to. 

Since I met my wife at such a young age, do you think she feels as though she didn't really get to "play the field"?  Could it be her friend’s influence? Do you think this is a case of the "grass is greener" scenario and that she could really love this other man? Is it likely after the passion has ended she may consider getting back to our family? I know she always did love and adore me, but what do you think has happened?

A: You sound lost and puzzled about what you might have done wrong and what you could have done to keep your wife's love. Several reasons may have caused your wife to leave the marriage after such a long time. She might have gotten into the marriage without really being prepared. Note that this is not entirely a matter of age, because people gain experience and wisdom at different rates.  Her friends could also have been an influence especially if they followed a different path. 

After she got married and had children and other responsibilities, the boredom that sometimes comes with being settled may have caused her to envy her still unattached friends. Their lives may have seemed far more glamorous, especially for someone who may not have been fully mature. She may have given up on her dreams for marriage, and now regrets it. Additionally, now in her 30s, your wife may feel as though she missed out on a stage of life - a stage of relative irresponsibility - and she may want it now. This affair is the result.

Concerning the children, they are already teenagers. When a family breaks, children very often feel that they were somehow responsible, and this is terribly damaging. Reassure them, and if they have contact with their mother, ensure that she does the same and they had nothing to do with this breakup. 

I may not have a way of telling whether she will come back but chances are, she may come back or decide to make a permanent bond with the other man. Whatever the case you must know how to deal with this family tragedy in a mature and wise manner, especially, for the children’s sake.  Even if the split proves to be permanent, you will eventually get through this grieving period and probably get a woman who will love you as you are.