I’m loyal but my wife rejects me in bed

I have been in a relationship for about five years. We are quite different but I really love my woman (she is a bit older than I am) but I’m really affectionate about her. For the past year, we've been having fights about our sex life and this has simply ruined every single plan we make. Every single time I try to make love to her it's all insults and so much negativity. However, everything else in our relationship works, but when sex is mentioned everything changes. We used to be very intimate before, but it all changed when we got a child. This rejection has mentally affected me and I'm not able to control my feelings. It’s also sad that I always have to initiate sex and if I don't we can stay up to a month without her saying anything about it. I know I can cheat but I'm really a loyal guy. We live together, she goes to work, while I’m a business person. I'm tired of looking so desperate. I'm too drained and no longer find purpose in the relationship. I need help.

READER’S ADVICE

Before you fight your woman on matters sex, try to understand why the drastic change especially after you got your firstborn. Hormonal imbalances happen to some women after delivery that affects their sexual desire and a tender approach to try and fix it might be needed. Have a friendly talk with her and get to understand her feelings and any changes she might be experiencing without necessary looking at it as purposeless relationship. You also have the option of seeking counseling from a professional who will help you handle this predicament. 

Juma Felix

Seek a forum where you'll express your frustrations and if you can, visit a relationship counselor because intimacy is indispensable in the maintenance of the marriage. Remain loyal as cheating would only make things worse.

W Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

It is evident that there is no chemistry between you and your partner. You seem to be together for certain conveniences. When two are in love, things just fall or align themselves. For your case, there seems to be underlying issues that needs to be addressed. Talk to your wife candidly and if she has nothing against you then I suggest you visit a sexologist.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

How you overcome it depends on the reason why she doesn’t want to have sex to start with, how you deal with it and depending on what the answer is how far you are willing to go to remedy the situation. Sometimes it can be hormonal, physical, or a matter of too much going on in her brain. Maybe her hormone levels may be off.

Visit a marriage counsellor to figure out what is going on. A neutral environment might help her to open up with what is really bothering her. 

Fred Jausenge, Dubai-Uae

EXPERT’S TAKE

Life is not a straight line. Despite the good times there will always be bumps on the road to test your relationship and conviction. From your own words your sex life was fine until you had your child. Considering you have those facts it is important to establish what changed for her sexual attitude to reflect negatively. It could be a hormonal reason of which she is not even aware of. She could be suffering from low self-esteem and her frustrations are lashed out at you. Having sex because of those possibilities will not be a default setting for her as it is for you. That does not mean she is no longer interested. It means she needs help to guide her through her current situation. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Please hide my Id. I have been seeing a girl for the last three years ago and I recently found out that she is married (Church wedding). I have tried to terminate the relationship and she stills comes over to my place. We even go out clubbing and she goes home the following day. She told she wants me to make her pregnant and I'm not willing to do it. What should I do? Thank you

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