How newlywed couples can avoid marital conflict
Every couple squabbles, so learn to argue more skilfully.
Agree to be completely open and honest together — especially about your finances, because that’s what generally causes the biggest rows
Almost as soon as the ceremony is over, everything starts to feel different. And worse usually, not better. So don’t be surprised if you feel the ‘post wedding blues.’
Because even if you’ve been together for years, actually getting married creates a huge shift in your relationship. Because marriage definitely changes your expectations of each other. Like singles have fun together. Married couples have responsibilities.
So start exploring those new expectations. Especially the things you’re most likely to argue about: how you spend your time, your friends, dividing up the chores, and money.
Don’t expect to be spending all your time together, and think about your friends. You both need friends who will help you to be happy together, so get rid of those who lead you into trouble!
Biggest rows
Make sure you’re both OK with how you divide up the jobs around the house. And agree to be completely open and honest together. Especially about your finances, because that’s what generally causes the biggest rows! Singles think of their money as theirs alone. But once you’re married, everything you do with your money affects you both, whether or not you actually discuss it together.
Discussing your finances sounds boring, even threatening, but can actually be one of the most romantic things you do. As you turn your dreams into a life together.
But if money causes the most rows, it’s sex that usually causes the most resentments. Newlyweds have such high hopes, and someone is always disappointed. Mostly because balancing your work and social lives with intimacy is a major challenge. If either of you are preoccupied elsewhere, intimacy is lost and resentments build.
So make each other first priority.
Every couple squabbles, so learn to argue more skilfully. Because while intimacy may bring out the best in us, it can also bring out the worst. Stupid, stubborn behaviours from when you were in diapers. Tempers fray easily, so try to spot potential sticking points and discuss them calmly. Just listening can be surprisingly effective.
And don’t automatically blame your partner when something goes wrong. Focusing on what you can do personally is usually much more effective. Or maybe your new partner is worrying about something? Don’t feel tempted to give advice, or to try to cheer them up. They probably just want you to understand how they feel.
And even when you’re both feeling angry, treat each other with kindness and respect. Be open and receptive. No frowning or shaking your head judgementally. Or being patronising, sarcastic, defensive or critical.
Overreact
Things won’t always go right, so don’t overreact. Just because life’s tough doesn’t mean you’re headed for the divorce courts. So don’t jump to conclusions about your relationship whenever you argue.
Above all, set aside time to make each other feel good. Remind each other of happy moments, and talk about your dreams for the future. If you’re clear where you’re going, then you’ll get there. A bit battered and bruised perhaps, but happy!
