Believe people’s actions, not words

THERE’S AN OLD red Indian legend about how youth would go into solitude to prepare for manhood.

One youth found himself in the forest alone, a beautiful mountain before him, beckoning him to climb. When he reached the peak, he stopped to catch his breath. Then he heard a rustling at his feet. It was a cobra. He recoiled and wanted to run away. However, the snake spoke before he could. “I am about to die. It is too cold for me up here, there’s no food and I am freezing. Please take me with you back into the valley.”

The young warrior shook his head. “I know what you are,” he said. “You are a snake. If I pick you up, you will bite and your bite will kill me.”

“Not so,” said the snake. “I will treat you differently, if you do this for me. You will be special.”

The young warrior resisted but as the conversation went on with this very persuasive snake, he put aside his misgivings, picked up the snake and carried it down the mountain. When they got into the valley, he gently laid it on the grass. Suddenly, the snake coiled, hissed and leapt forward, biting him. Shocked, the youth looked at the snake bite realising that it was too late and the venom was already spreading within. “But you promised...!” he cried out. The snake slithered away. “I’m a snake,” it said. “I always bite. You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

This story hits me in the gut every time. Leopards never change their spots. For young people experimenting with drugs, or other addictive substances, the cautionary tale when it begins to bite is, “You knew what I was when you picked me up”.

SAFE THAN SORRY

However, there are other less obvious spots or grey areas where what a person is, is not so clear. How often have we found ourselves gullible in business, romantic or family relationships? In these instances, people show us who they are, but we hold on to the romantic hope that they will be different with us. My mother used to say, “When it comes to people, watch what they do, not what they say.” Sadly, it’s a principle I’ve sometimes ignored to my own detriment. A business person may tell you, “I’m honest,” but is that what previous associates would say?  

However, there are people who openly tell you who they are but we delude ourselves that they can’t be right. This is that guy or girl in a romantic relationship who says, “I’m not ready,” or “I’m just out to have some fun.” Foolishly, we hope and pray that they can change. Now people do change but only if they want to. Either way, if someone has bitten you once, don’t just take their word. Examine the evidence. 

Whenever the legend of the young warrior is told, there are three reactions. There are those who come from the premise that there is good in everyone until they prove otherwise. These are the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ folks. Then there are the cynics who are always suspicious, believing the worst even before it happens.

They would never have picked up the snake. They would probably have left the wounded man in the Good Samaritan parable right where they found him. Their motto is “better safe than sorry.” Both groups are performing errors of judgement because while it is foolish to pick up a snake, it is equally myopic to lump people and miss the opportunity that some associations could provide.

However, there is another type of person and reaction. Let’s call them the “eyes wide open” types. They would weigh everything and make a decision based on evidence and past experience. They are neither gullible nor cynical. That’s the approach we should all aim at. People are always telling us who they are, through their words or actions. With the exception of sociopaths, most people give themselves away, everyday.