Why couples become more alike over time
Over the long term, you and your spouse seem to be growing more alike.
Another possibility is that you met, fell in love, and changed your attitudes and beliefs to try to fit together better. And that continued over the years
You’ve probably noticed it yourself. Over the long term, you and your spouse seem to be growing more alike. Your likes and dislikes, emotions and health gradually converging.
You never become identical of course. But the way you each react to the world slowly becomes more similar. You start to like the same smells and tastes, your hormone levels begin to harmonise, and so does your response to stress. That’s not all to the good, though. Because, for example, whoever’s happier tends to become more discontented as the other gets more cheerful!
Maybe this all happens because we generally date people who are similar to us in the first place. You probably met each other because you were about the same age, enjoyed doing the same things, and had similar preferences, backgrounds and education. And if you already had a lot in common, it’s likely that you went on changing in similar ways over time.
Or maybe you became more like each other because you spend so much time together, do a whole lot of stuff together, and like talking to the same people.
Another possibility is that convergence is just something that helps couples to connect early on. You met, fell in love, and changed your attitudes and beliefs to try to fit together better. And that continued over the years.
Or perhaps it’s all an illusion. Maybe you just feel that you’re becoming more alike, though actually you’re not. That’s certainly possible, because happy couples tend to assume that they both see things the same way. So if you’re worried about something, you want to believe that your partner also shares your concerns. That might not actually be true, but acknowledging it could cause conflict, or make you wonder whether perhaps you’re not with the right person.
So you stick with the easier option, especially as when you feel that you and your partner are seeing eye to eye on something, you tend to feel closer to one another.
You don’t need to be similar to your partner in everything, of course, nor should you try to be. If one of you tends to get stressed easily, for example, it helps if the other tends to remain calm. Or if one of you tends to feel insecure, having a more secure partner can really help you to become more trusting. But despite all that, if you feel similar to one another, you feel more in love. Even if it’s all really just an illusion!
And there are usually a few very real differences between long-term couples, as you probably know all too well. What matters is that you and your spouse feel connected and understood, so that you can support each other and build your relationship. Recognising each other’s individual quirks also means that you can work on the things that make you unhappy. So that together, you can both change in ways that help you to become better people.
