How do I forget my ex and move on?

How do I forget my ex and move on?

Dear Kitoto,

I am the young mother of a boy. My ex, with whom I broke up before I had the child (eight months ago) has never made any effort to see his our son or even provide for him. I know I should hate him, but I cannot help wondering what happened. Several times I have been tempted to reach out to him because I thought I knew him and he was not a bad guy — just had anger issues. I am having a hard time trying to forget him and I wonder for how long this will continue because it is frustrating.

Why is it so hard for me to stop thinking about him, even for a single day? Is it normal? I think I fell too deeply in love with him and I really hate it. I do not communicate with him, though. The fact that he cannot even pick up a phone to call and ask how his son is doing, if he is in good health, is well fed, growing well, or lacking anything really bothers me. Why are some men like that? How do they live, knowing that there is an innocent baby with their blood running in their veins somewhere out there and still not care? Anyway how should I go about tackling this issue?

Hi,

As much as love is a choice we make when entering into a relationship, the emotional involvement goes beyond words and physical acts to a deeper emotional attachment that can last a long time even when we break up. Consequently, every relationship must be informed by both physical and emotional intelligence that will keep us from being take advantage of or abused.

From your email, I see a lack of application of this intelligence (what you know) in determining how your involvement should be governed. Do not allow the feelings you have for this man blind you. Remember that he has not shown concern for you or your son, he has not bothered to take your calls or even visit. Why would you still feel a deep love for a man who has not shown any responsibility? Love must be translated into actions of true and honest service towards each other.

You will only begin to achieve inner emotional healing when you realise that this man has moved on. When inner healing takes place, it will give you the kind of perspective that will shed light on what lies ahead. Right now, your future is based on a selfish and uninformed agenda. Get wise, re-prioritise your future goals, and focus on caring for your child.

I feel so helpless and hopeless, thanks to dad

Dear Mr Kitoto,

I am 20; so young but hopeless. I have chronic issues with my father. It started when I was very young. I was brought up in a violent environment. My father used beat my mother and abuse her in front of me.

As a result,  I grew up fearing my father and keeping my distance from him. But I grew up loving my mother very much and kept promising her that she would live a happy life when I grew up and became an awesome lawyer. Then the most shocking thing happened. She died when I was in Form Two!

When she died, I lost all sense of life and time. My father remarried and his wife started mistreating me. I tried talking to him about it but he gave me the cold shoulder. I felt terribly alone and suicidal, and grew to hate my life and my father. My only hope lay in waiting for my KCSE results and joining university. I did not expect to do exceptionally well but I hoped to get a grade that would enable me to be admitted to university. I got a C+. My father promised to sponsor me. I just had to give him time. That was his condition: Time.

Hi,

I empathise with you for what you have been through. The abuse you watched you mother undergo, together with what you have personally experienced at the hands of your stepmother, have left you starved of true love and responsible care. This has also redefined your perspective of relationships. Your understanding and appreciation of fatherhood has been distorted.

Fathers are supposed to be symbols of protection and provision for their children. The abuse by your father and stepmother, coupled with the loss of your mother, have left a void in your life. You carried from that relationship both hatred and hunger for what a true relationship should be like. This has to be fixed so that you can learn to trust again.

For a start, it is important for you to deal with the past by doing two things: First, you should realise that your father and stepmother no longer have the opportunity to abuse you; you are grown up now and able to decide what to do with any attempted abuse.

Second, you need to make a choice not to carry this past into the future. Forgiveness will empty your heart and life of fear, hatred, and anger. God has enabled you to come this far. Do not underestimate the great things that lie ahead if you remain focused on doing what is right.

My husband wants oral sex, is this right?

Hi Sir,

God bless you  and may He  be a light unto your team’s path.

I have been married for three years to a wonderful man and father. Sometime ago, after reading sex guide books together, he suggested that we try “going down there” (oral sex), as part of our getting intimate. I did not like the idea since I had never done it.

Lately, our sex life has deteriorated and when I raised the issue, he said “It’s becoming boring after doing the same thing (the missionary position) for years. He said he was reluctant to tell me so, but assured me he loves me and the child.

I would not mind trying something new and I appreciate the fact that my husband is always open, but I feel that he might (God forgive me) look some place else.

My question is, is oral sex between married people right, and is it in any way harmful or does it have any effects?

Kindly advise from a Christian point of view as we are both born-again.

JM

Hi,

This is a question many couples ask and I am going to give it a biblical approach, as you requested. First, it is important to recognise that the Bible does not address this issue directly, although it is clear on other areas related to sexuality and sexual fidelity in relationships.

In relationships, oral sex refers to the use of the mouth and or the tongue to stimulate the genitals. Looking at the way relationships are conducted today, some spouses consider oral sex a safe way of satisfying their sexual appetite that comes without risks. To such spouses, safety may be defined as engaging in sex without the risk of pregnancy.

However, there is the risk of getting one of the many sexually-transmitted infections such as gonorrhoea and herpes, or even of contracting the human papillomavirus. If a man ejaculates during oral sex, the risk to his partner is even higher.

Although the Bible is silent on the specifics of oral sex, issues of how healthy the practice is leaves us with certain unanswered questions. Conservative Christian marriage counsellors, Ed Wheat and Gloria Perkins, say that “A biblical understanding of sex dispels false fears and inhibitions.” The Bible looks at sex as a mutually-agreed upon joyous expression of love between husband and wife while respecting God’s plan for sex.

Second, you know that the Bible is clear that your body is not your own. As a result, we need to glorify God with our bodies, meaning that our sexual expression and conduct in marriage should glorify God. So, the guilt you are feeling is part of your conscience telling you to align your belief and values with your actions.

Third, I Corinthians 7 tells us that we should not deprive our mates of sex, and that our bodies (in a way) belong to our partner.

Therefore, our sexual practices that appear contrary to God’s nature and do not promote godliness should be questioned and evaluated according to the values we have from His word.

What we need to ask ourselves is how God intended sex to be enjoyed and whether oral sex goes against that.

Remember, your husband should live with you in an understanding, considerate relationship. This includes taking into consideration what satisfies and stimulates you as his wife, and what is offensive and could demean you as a person.

Should I sue my son’s father for child support?

Dear Kitoto,

I love the advice you give your readers, so I am sure that you are the right person to give me the best advice.

I have a one-and-a-half-year-old son. I got him during my last semester at the university with a 41-year-old married man who has three daughters. It was not planned. The man promised to support me, although he was not convinced that the baby was his. After my son was born, he paid half the hospital bill while my mother paid the rest. He came to see the baby when he was a month old and got convinced that the child was his. He offered only a little help; he would come, leave a little money, then disappear for weeks. I was very hurt when I realised that although he did not want to take full responsibility, he wanted to be a part of my life.

Consequently, I moved so that he would not find me. Thereafter, I got a job that forced me to move back to my rural home. I was not happy about it but considering that I would not be paying rent or buying food, I did not mind.

He tried to contact me many times but I did not respond. I had decided to take care of my boy, which I have been doing until now. I give him my all and we are very comfortable.

Then, about two months ago, I bumped into the man at a shopping mall and he asked me to spare some time so that we talk, which I reluctantly did.
He accused me of denying him a chance to look after his son, saying the boy looks like his youngest daughter. He said he was prepared to bring my son up and would not let him be brought up by another man, but on condition that I let him meet the boy because he had last seen him when he was two months old.

I asked for some time to think about it, and after a week, I called him to tell him that I agreed to his terms. We set up a weekend meeting and kept in touch every day, but on the appointed day he went quiet, only to call later to tell me he had been busy. He said he would let me know when he would be free. He then went quiet for a week.

I was extremely hurt and told him never to look for us and swore to make him regret the day he met me. I now want to sue him for child support because he is able to look after the child but does not want to take the responsibility. Neither of us wanted the baby, but I believe he should take responsibility, even if I have to force it out of him. I do not care whether he loves my son or not. I love the boy, and that is all the love he needs.
Incidentally, his wife and I know each other, although she does not know that my son is her husband’s child. I would not call her a friend, although we talk occasionally. However, I do not feel guilty because she also took him away from another woman; it was her pregnancy that the led to their divorce.
So, do I go ahead and sue him? I am ready to face the consequences, including his wife finding out. I want to teach him a lesson the hard way.

Hi,

I do not think that you want to sue your former boyfriend for the right reason.

Although you want him to contribute towards your son’s upkeep, the real reason seems to be a desire to take revenge and teach him a lesson. That, alone, reveals two key issues that I would like to bring out.

First is the frustration and anger you are dealing with as a result of his refusal to accept his responsibilities.

In life and relationships, revenge does nothing but advance a selfish agenda that does not necessarily bring satisfaction. It will only accord you temporal justice.

The right thing to do would be to sort out your inner pain and disappointment and focus on building your career so that you can take care of yourself and your son.

The second issue I would like to bring to the fore is the need to take advantage of the opportunity to sue for support.

Legal redress normally gives you an opportunity to get some financial support for your child’s upkeep.

However, this should be done with care and a sober mind. Let this be done from a pure heart that is devoid of hate and anger. Do not let your child grow up in such an atmosphere. This man is still the boy’s biological father.