Here’s what to do if you can’t get an orgasm
Any disease that causes pain during sex stops pleasure so orgasm cannot happen.
Rita walked into the consultation room and after introducing herself, blurted out: “I am killing myself searching for an elusive orgasm. Is it normal not to get an orgasm?”
She was 30 and single but with a history of having multiple short-term sexual relationships. Her friends always lauded their sexual experiences, making her feel jealous.
“They say orgasm is something out of this world, that one can never be a whole woman without having experienced it. They say that when orgasm happens you lose control and feel like you have been electrocuted. Some say you lose consciousness while others say it feels like being struck by lightning, please help me to reach this cloud nine.”
Rita had gone to lengths of changing sex partners, getting hooked to pornography and taking unspecified herbs but still failed to orgasm. She was now in the clinic and asked the age-old question: Is inability to orgasm normal?
Well, more than a quarter of women have difficulties getting orgasms. Medically, they are said to have anorgasmia, a situation of repeated attempts to have an orgasm without success in which the affected person or their sex partner feels distressed as a result. The distress can affect the relationship.
The difficulty to have orgasm can start from the time one starts to be sexual, in which case they are said to have primary anorgasmia. This is as opposed to secondary anorgasmia which comes later in life in a person who has previously enjoyed orgasms, then begins struggling to reach the climax.
Then there is situational anorgasmia, where anorgasmia happens only when with a particular person. This can be with a regular partner or a stranger. The failure, however, is not experienced when having sex with other people or when masturbating. The opposite of this is generalized anorgasmia, which is experienced by all people and also when masturbating.
“So mine is the primary type and is generalised,” Rita said. “I have never had orgasm with anyone from the time I started having sex, not even when I masturbate.” I nodded to confirm Rita’s diagnosis.
Scientifically, anorgasmia is known to happen because of various reasons, so it is not a curse. Orgasm is a complex end to heightened sexual excitement and involves involuntary physical, emotional, and psychological reactions. It leaves one helpless, peaceful, and, often, happy. Working backwards, this means that failure to orgasm can be because of physical, emotional or psychological reasons.
Physical causes are multiple. Any disease that causes pain during sex stops pleasure so orgasm cannot happen. Further, diseases that alter hormones can be the reason. In some cases, testosterone, which is normally in trace amounts in women, can be too low that it depresses sexual response. Prolactin, a hormone that is most important in milk let-down during breastfeeding, is another cause of the problem.
High levels of prolactin, also called hyperprolactinemia, cause anorgasmia. In some cases, the cause of the problem is medicines used in the treatment of other diseases but have the side effect of reducing the excitability of the sexual system. Several medicines, including those used to treat depression and other mental disorders, have such effects.
Emotional and psychological problems can result from relationship problems and other life pressures. Situational anorgasmia, where orgasm does not happen with a particular person, is normally a sign of relationship problems or discomfort. In such cases, one is not able to let go of themselves and enjoy the full pleasure of sex with the person so reaching the point of no return is impossible. Other life pressures make one feel disturbed and in such cases, they cannot fully enjoy sex.
After interrogating Rita, examining her, and doing a number of tests, the diagnosis boiled down to traumatic experiences while growing up, leading to unresolved pain in her subconscious, resulting in primary anorgasmia. Rose was sexually molested severally by a cousin in her childhood which left her with a deep emotional and psychological wound. She had subconsciously struggled to overcome the experiences but failed, and it manifested as a dampened sexual response and anorgasmia. Her search for orgasm led her to change sex partners frequently as well as affecting her self-esteem. She blamed herself for failure to orgasm.
Rita underwent therapy consistently for three months and was fully cured.
