MR SURVIVOR: Valentine's Day dinner earns me ticket out of marital Siberia

Valentine's Day

Since Valentine’s Day, life for me in the Palace has been very good.

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Although I did not attend the men’s conference, I have never attended it and I am not planning to attend in the near foreseeable future, I share a lot of the wannabes’ ideologies. If, for example, I were to do everything my Queen wants me to, I would be another statistic in the category of the henpecked husbands of Happy Valley.

But events of the last one month in the Palace, which have consigned me into marital Siberia, forced me to change my modus operandi when dealing with Queen. To buy myself into her wifely fold, I decided to take her out to a Valentine’s candlelit dinner at the high-end Kichakani Paradise at the shores of Lake Olbolosat.

Now, in the entire Mt Kenya region, a real man does not openly display emotions – painful or pleasurable. That is considered ‘womanish’. I was therefore the only member of the Happy Valley camaraderie to openly confess and show love to his wife. I know this will attract dire consequences but this will be a small price to pay for my reinstatement to marital nirvana.

The issue of Valentine’s Day came up at Happy Valley last Monday evening, a day before the D-day.

“Buying flowers for a woman, wife or otherwise, is the height of idiocy. Flowers are for goats and rabbits. A real African man buys a plot or house for a woman,” said professor, Happy Valley’s voice of reason.

“Valentine’s is a foreign thing brought by Europeans to get our money through buying roses from their flower farms around. Love should be an everyday affair not a one day ritual,” said Mhesh.

That notwithstanding, I went ahead to plan how to surprise my Queen on Valentine’s Day. At noon of the D-day, I made a grand entry to the Palace at mid-day. Queen could not hide her surprise, nay, shock. “What is not happening?” she asked.

“Surprise! Surprise! I know many women are not aware that today is Valentine’s Day.  I came to pick my dear for a Valentine’s date at the state-of-the-art Kichakani Paradise. You are the lucky one in the whole of Aberdare countryside,” I answered.

“Seriously? Are you the one talking or the beer from that evil Valley?” she asked.

“Go change into this new red dress. I know you don’t believe that I love you,” I said, handing her an ‘camera’ dress from Gikomba sunshine boutique.  

After half an hour, a freshly spruced up girlish-looking Queen joined me in my Volkswagen Beetle, resplendent in the red dress I had just surprised her with. If I had thought that I was surprising her by arranging for a Valentine’s dinner, I got double surprise when she accepted an invitation to a pagan ritual.  After another half an hour, we were in a reserved cottage at Kichakani Paradise.

“I cannot believe you are the one. I long lost hope of ever reclaiming you from that evil Valley of death,” Queen said.

“That makes the two of us. I too long gave up rescuing you from that church, sorry, shop of yours. Even today, I thought you would dismiss the day as a pagan ritual,” I said.

“Everyone wishes not only to be loved but also to be shown love. I am a normal human being with feelings. After all, five out of ten commandments in the Bible are about love,” Queen said.

To cut the long sweet story short, Queen and I took the road down memory lane to our courting days. I can tell you that 10 years ago seemed like yesterday. The issue of her supermarket and the boys’ homework was forgotten in the sweetness of the nostalgic memories of our youth.

“Where did the rain start beating us? We used to have such evenings to ourselves before you became so busy for me,” I said.

“You should always treat me like the Queen that I am. I promise to reciprocate ‘double double’,” Queen promised.

By the time we returned to the Palace very late that evening, I had managed to secure an assurance from Queen that marital Siberia will be a thing of the past. I also promised her to carefully ‘measure’ my vocabularies when talking to her. “There is power in the tongue. What you say in jest may end up happening,” Queen warned.

Since Valentine’s Day, life for me in the Palace has been very good. Queen has gone back to her womanly and wifely wiles and I can’t ask for more. I am only hoping that the promises and lies that I told her will stand the test of time. I can hardly remember everything I told her. But one thing I know; I swore to love her with all my heart, so help me God.

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