Your problems, I daresay, are self-inflicted

Pastor Kitoto,

I’m a mother of two in a relationship with a man with two children of his own. He has a good job while I’m jobless. I really love him, but he is mean, proud and gives me nothing. All his money goes to his parents. He is a mama's boy and spends hours on phone talking to her, but has no time to talk to me, yet when he was after me, we could talk for hours. Although he claims to truly love me, I doubt him. To begin with, he does not allow me near his phone and switches it off when he leaves it behind. It also bothers me that we have a sexual relationship, yet we’re not married. He also drinks a lot and likes bragging. Should I hold on to this relationship or end it?

Hi,

For a man that you claim to love very much, there are many things about him that you don’t like.

He also says that he loves you, but from your email, I don’t see evidence of this love — he has no time for you, does not support you and is very secretive.
Your problems, I daresay, are self-inflicted. To get out of your dilemma, you need to ask yourself what you love about this man who cares little for you.

As much as I see selfishness in him to the extent that he does not allow you near his true self, I equally see a selfishness in you that could be in love with him for the things he has and not for who he truly is.

It’s also clear from the guilt that you feel that you do not share the same faith and values.

How you were brought up seems to reject the kind of man you are dating — you know that sex must be set aside to be enjoyed in marriage.

That said, you need to question why you would go to bed with a man who treats you the way he does. You must defend your values; otherwise, you will not like the person you have become.

Trustworthiness is a non-negotiable value when it comes to relationships, particularly marriage. If there is no trust, and suspicions abound, then there will be nothing to stand on.

* * * *
I want to marry her, but I am broke

Pastor Kitoto,

I really love my partner and was planning to marry her before 2020 runs out, but now I am broke with no good job and she's worried. What should I do?

Hi,

You fear is founded. No one wants to start a family they are unable to support. I suggest that the two of you speak about this openly and freely.

If you truly love each other and are determined to get married, together you will find a solution to your dilemma. It starts by talking about the fears you have about the future if you got married today.

There are many who went ahead and got married without any money or job in sight. But you do need a source of income, whether you have a family to support or not.

You could continue looking for a job bearing in mind that the rate of unemployment in Kenya is high, or you could start a business either alone or together.

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]