What’s wrong with dating a single mother?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for your many years of dedication in helping building relationships with purpose. I'm truly grateful for this column. I'm a man in my early thirties and I've been taken aback by the constant demonisation of single mothers on social media. According to some “experts”, such a cluster of women should not be dated leave alone be married by men who are not fathers of their children.

Such conversations break me down considering my very own sister is a single mother of three. Does it mean she should not have a second chance in life? What is your opinion on this subject?

Thank you, Kip

****

Hi,

I hear your predicament and cry for single mothers. My heart goes out to all single mothers who have passed through such online abuse by people who have no idea the journey each of these women has been through. First, we have women who became pregnant from rape or from someone who took advantage of their naivety. There are also those whose marriage ended in violence and abandonment and many other reasons. Every single mother has a story and deserves the right to heal and move on with life.

We are all faced with choices to make in life. However, living in regret because of past failures with not help build anyone up. Remember, Jesus reached out to the Samaritan woman who had a seriously tainted past. The husband she was with at that time was not her rightful one. The story ends with the woman announcing to the whole village about a man who had told her everything she had done. The whole village got to hear about Christ out of her witness. Suppose Jesus had ignored or judged her?

My opinion in brief is that we are called to help others confront and deal with their past without prejudice. Sadly, in this life, not everyone is fair and objective. I encourage every single woman who has faced such pain to deal with any past that would hold them captive and allow their faith in God to guide their steps. The Samaritan woman did not defend her past but acknowledged that Jesus must have been a prophet to have told her everything. Let’s remember pain has no boundaries. Finally, for any single mother, when such healing is completed, many single parents have ended building relationships that have led to marriage. Others who have healed have chosen to remain single and care for their children instead of complicating their lives further by entering into other relationships.

****

Of relationships and wealth creation

This is in response to an issue you tried to address in the Daily Nation of June 23, 2021. I also read the story of the lady online. The men requesting a connection with her also have the same problem. In today's world material wealth is the measure of success something that the parties in the story seem to have.

Life begins in a relationship. We are all born to people in a relationship not to material wealth. The latter comes into being much later but depends very much for its success in the former. The greatest factor in the material acquisition is the kind of relationship one has with the people one interacts within this quest because we need people in every step we take and every move we make towards this end

Unfortunately, we major in the minor and vice versa. We focus too much in acquiring wealth at the expense of relationships. We come to think of it much later but with a lot of repercussions generally. We cannot enjoy wealth without a sound relationship, that is, the acquisition and enjoyment of this material wealth is a function of strong and good relationships.

Whereas material acquisition has no time limits, a marriage relationship has. The pursuit of wealth makes time for this pass us by thus ushering in unhappiness in our lives to an extent that we fail to enjoy what we have worked hard for

We cannot work hard for wealth but treat the search for a prospective partner with frivolity and disdain. We should juggle the two together because both require time and patience to arrive at them. We shouldn't be frivolous in matters of marriage but meticulous in matters of wealth for the enjoyment of wealth cannot do without marriage. A good marriage will bring wealth but not vice versa.

Hi,

I am sure that you desired to contribute your perspective on the matter. This is well noted and I am sure the readers will have the opportunity to interact with your views on the matter of wealth through relationships. Of course, I agree that one cannot enjoy the wealth in absence of sound relationships. And indeed, the acquisition and enjoyment of wealth and the need to build strong and good relationships is vital. That said, let’s all agree that developing a career that will find one a good job that will resource the relationship is key. With the high cost of living, particularly in cities, having a reasonable income that would help them meet the basic bills and a little more for savings is important. Conversely, building healthy relationships is part of a thriving ecosystem that will give on the needed social-psycho support they need in life. From our growing up to adult life, relationships play a key role both at home and in the workplace.

Therefore, seeking a great balance between developing one’s career or seeking a well-paying job and the need to be in a healthy relationship with others. Many singles have been caught up and missed out on building healthy relationships that would lead to marriage due to career or work-related schedules. In addition, many great marriages have ended because of absence from home or each other due to work demands and the lack of setting the right relationship or marriage priorities.

It is important to know that besides the challenge of time in each relationship and based on the demands presented by either partner, any spouse must contend with diverse priorities presented by the other partner. I have come to discover that, every person in a relationship has their distinctive views on how many meetings they want to have and how much time to spend each they meet. This in itself has not only made making priorities difficult but also exhausting causing hurt and break-ups. It is therefore necessary to select a relational partner whose demands don’t complicate the priority making process. This is what helps in keeping a healthy balance in the way we relate both to our partner, work and other social events that make equal demands.

So, when you argue that “A good marriage will bring wealth but not vice versa,” one would also think that seeking a healthy relationship without a clear plan for resourcing the relationship financially may be difficult to attain. In the end, many great loving relationships have collapsed due to the lack of a proper path of working hard together to create wealth and prosperity for the family. We may start with one but later we must bring everything in balance. Thanks again for writing.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]