Social media families: As society evolves, so has the family

 When I think about Christmas, what comes to mind is family. All my cousins, uncles and aunts gathered in our grandparents’ home for a merry and joyous celebration, having ticked yet another year. A period of laughter, good food and stories. 

Or at least, this is how I remember Christmas from my childhood days,” says Daniel Mwaura, 27, who comes from Ruiru, Kiambu County.

He has fond memories of his childhood, but before we continue with his story, it is important to point out that this is not a story about Christmas, but rather, a story about family and the slow silent death of a part of this critical social structure.
There are three basic types of families: nuclear, single-parent and extended. Over time there have been more additions to the list, owing to shifting family dynamics. Our focus today is on the extended family; its state and significance in today’s society, as well as the ramifications of losing the bond, shared amongst its members.
For many millennials or those of older generations, regular family gatherings or visits with cousins, aunts and uncles was a common experience in years gone by, especially during the holiday season. While one cannot declare this tradition dead or completely erased, it is true and relatable amongst many people that it is a tradition less observed today.

Be it because of wrangles within the family, distance, money, or whatever other reasons, many people only get to meet their extended family during major events such as weddings and funerals, mostly funerals. One might ask where or when exactly this downward trajectory started.

To interrogate the matter further, we will enlist the help of Daniel and two others. Which brings us back to Daniel.

“I grew up a long distance away from our grandparents’ home, but my parents always made sure we travelled upcountry often to meet up with other members of the family. I longed for the holidays since I would get to spend time with my cousins whom I had a very strong bond with. When our grandfather died, I was in Form One then, and things changed. We began meeting fewer times,” says Daniel, adding that the last time he visited his maternal grandmother’s home was 10 years ago, even though she has visited them a few times.

Asked if there is a reason for this, he says; “Perhaps there were a few misunderstandings in the family, but nothing so big as to keep me away. I just feel like the culture of family gatherings just died a slow natural death.”
Daniel notes that his is a large family, with a total of at least 13 adult cousins and 17 younger ones, but he rarely gets to see most of his older cousins and does not know half of the younger ones.
“Three of my cousins are married and have families, between them, they have eight children, but I do not know any of them. If nothing changes, there is a very real possibility that our children will end up becoming strangers.

What is to stop them from getting into romantic relationships with one another? You hear of such cases and think you are the exception until it happens in your own family.”
The big question is, however, who is to blame in such a case?

“I do not think you can pin the blame on one person,” he continues, “Different things have led to this point. Everyone seems to be so busy with their own lives, some have even left the country, so whenever we organise to meet, it ends up failing, or some people do not show up. I also feel as if we live very different lives from our parents, each group moving in their own direction. We have become complacent and comfortable with only meeting during major events for a day or two, then go back to being ‘social media families’ who check up on one another occasionally.”
We also had a chat with Rebecca Amunga, 52, a mother of five. She grew up in a family of 15 children, nine boys and six girls. Out of this number, six were not her actual siblings, but rather, cousins taken in by her family when their parents died, a fact she was not aware of in her earlier years as the six had moved in when she was still a baby.
“This cemented my relationship with my cousins pretty early in life. My father was a military man and had a certain order of things. As we were very many children under his care, he developed a system where the older children took care of the younger siblings. I even remember I was taken to school by an older cousin.”
Rebecca, who comes from Kakamega County, notes that whenever schools closed, they would travel upcountry to their grandfather’s place, which she dreaded as there would always be farm work waiting. But as time progressed and she reached adulthood years, she came to treasure these moments, as she would get to meet with and learn about her family, as well as learn her mother tongue and the culture and traditions of her people.

“When people are together, there are bound to be fights. Sometimes quarrels would break out and then five minutes later we would all sit down and share a meal, all in one breath. Those fighting would make up and apologise to one another, and then we would all enjoy a hearty laugh afterwards. 

That is how we used to solve disagreements in the family, instead of leaving them to fester.”
Rebecca, a parent herself, observes that the dynamics of society and families have changed. She, however, says she has tried as much as possible to bring her children up with a sense of community and kinship with their larger family, and they regularly get to visit their uncles and aunts, and not just when there is a major event happening with one of the family members. But this has not been without challenges.
“As parents, we have failed dismally. I feel that we speak a language our children and the younger generation does not understand. When we would close school for instance, if my father said we were going upcountry, no questions asked. But today if you tell your children you are travelling to their grandparents’, especially if there is some manual labour involved, they will always find excuses not to go, and we (parents) just give in to their demands.”
Rebecca also adds that people have become egocentric. She argues that everyone is so busy with their lives, they barely have time for the immediate family, leave alone the larger one.
“Parents are always working, trying to make ends meet, so whatever little time they can spare, they want to spend it with their children. Perhaps I was planning on going for vacation, so the question becomes, why go to some rural village in Kakamega, when I can enjoy my holiday in Mombasa for instance. And since I cannot afford to take my children’s cousins as well, I simply go with my family.”
Rebecca has something to say regarding the unequivocal relevance of the extended family, in mind the loss of her mother back in 2018.

“I recall the gathering that we had during the mourning process and the support that came from my relatives. It is something I cannot quantify, it is a strong fabric that should not be done away with. In my marriage, my aunts and uncles now take the place of my parents, (her father passed away too).”

The high school teacher, (she teaches French) and counsellor also warns that the death of the extended family will also have an effect on the nuclear family and culture as a whole. People become more and more segmented, and the value of family is lost on them. She uses the example of her students, whom she posed the question of marriage to, during a group counselling session. Out of 120 students, only a quarter wanted a family in future, most seeing it as an unnecessary bother.
“Of course these are still children and some might change their mind as they grow older, but such indicators should be cause for concern in the society. The family structure is weakening, and as the basic social structure, if we lose family we lose traditions and values. If you do not remember people, how can you remember their way of life?”
Rebecca concludes our conversation by noting that the solution needs to be radical if we are to preserve some basic principles of our society, amid shifting traditions and perceptions. She believes the younger generation needs to re-learn the value of family, and understand that family goes beyond siblings and parents.
“Parents also need to bring down barriers that they put between themselves and extend to their children.”
To wrap up this conversation, we engaged Dr Joyce Nyairo, a cultural anthropologist who has some thought provoking and contemporary views. She acknowledges that indeed the extended family is losing its place in the social structure, and opines that capitalism is to blame.
“Family gatherings have become very expensive. As the roles of women in society have changed, so has the dynamics of the family. Traditionally in such gatherings, the men would be sitting somewhere talking and drinking, the children would be playing and the women are the ones who would be in the kitchen cooking. However, today, people opt for outside caterers instead, thus incurring additional costs.
“Besides economic reasons, people are also time poor. A good example is walking around town during public holidays, days which families would find time to spend together. However, you will find businesses still open as this is the time sellers expect high buyer traffic.”
Nyairo argues that based on the current context of society, the choice to keep the traditional extended family has been taken away, thus forcing us to adapt to a different kind of family. One not of blood and kinship but one of affiliation and friendship. She says this is the future and the remedy, as human beings still need community.
“Think of something like estates, gated communities or even apartments. They bring together many different people living within the same compound, which partially resembles an extended family. Forming lasting bonds with such people and having meetings such as estate parties can act as a replacement for the larger family.”
Nyairo also suggests turning to technology as a means of connecting. She argues family members can still keep in touch through social media platforms for instance, and still be able to advance their agendas and maintain a connection, albeit one of a different kind.

“I am not dismissing relatives or the idea of family but simply suggesting an alternative in their absence. I might have a friend for instance who has been present in my child’s life since birth, and a sister who lives abroad who is this child’s aunt, but one who has mostly been absent in the child’s life. In such a case, the friend becomes the family by affiliation. Family is not just the people we are born with, we have the power to choose a second family.”

She concludes by noting that as society advances further and further, our social structures will keep on morphing, and the concept of the family becomes redefined. And while it is important to preserve our ways and our culture, it is also important to find ways of keeping people connected even if it is in contemporary ways.

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