My first wife left me, now my second one wants to leave me too

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for the help you give many of us. My wife of three years walked out on me after I discovered she was cheating on me and even confessed that the child we had together was not mine. We were in a come-we-stay marriage. She was 22 while I was 40 years old. When I sought reconciliation, she told me never to call her again because she never was married to me. I tried to involve her parents and even waited for her for seven years in vain. Eventually, I married a woman I met in church after dating and receiving counselling at church. After three years of marriage, we still don’t have a child, other than the one she came with.

For the last one year, my wife has been desiring to leave me. I married her when I was 50, she was 35 years. Her reasons for wanting to leave are that her friends at church tell her that she can’t get a child because she married a divorced man. Second, she complains that we do not look good together. She refuses to seek help from our pastor, she has so much faith in her friends that my advice does not matter to her. We are finding ourselves getting into a lot of arguments due to these issues. Does God hate divorced people? Is the problem her friends? Where do I go from here?

Hello,

I commend you for the patience you showed when your first wife left you. It is clear that she was not committed to you or your marriage. Separation and divorce leaves behind many wounded hearts. It is therefore commendable that you believe in counselling and have sought it.

Regarding your second marriage, if your wife completely refuses to meet with your pastor, approach him yourself and unburden your heart, you could also ask the pastor to request her to see him. As Christians, we know we can turn to God and seek His guidance and wisdom in all areas of our life, however, some can overly spiritualise an issue to the extent that it misses the real point.

 Taking a medical issue such as inability to have children and placing spiritual significance on it is ill-informed. Blaming the failure to get a child on your separation obscures the real issue, blaming you for her failure to conceive.

We live in a world where facts are quickly verified on the internet – for Christians there is the Bible to consult when in doubt. Being Christians, where information is generalised or hyped, it could embarrass the faith we profess. The reasoning she has forwarded has the potential to relate the wrong view of God. My question is, could there have been a medical issue between the two of you that can be diagnosed if you sought medical help?

Your conflict management is also wanting. The salvaging of your relationship will require honest and candid talk, possibly in the presence of a counsellor. Effective communication is necessary in relationships because it helps create shared intimacy.

Effective communication is what will bridge the gap to a deeper connection with your wife, and in your desire to deal with conflict, you should avoid blame, finger pointing and shifting blame. Both of you want a baby, you therefore need to be on the same page in discussion and prayer.

Finally, she says that you don’t look good together, meaning that she is uncomfortable being seen with you in public. However, is she just saying this to avoid the real issues bothering her?

That said, I feel that your relationship is salvageable. To do this, the two of you need to do two things: First, get to a place where you can clearly articulate the real issues at hand without arguing. Second, come to an agreement with the need to seek counselling either from your pastor or a qualified counsellor.

What you face is not insurmountable. Since the two of you are people of faith, you need to turn to God through the help of your pastor and work through these issues. You can do it.

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