My boyfriend broke up with me but wants to stay friends

Hi Kitoto,

I am 27 years old and have been dating this guy for six years now. In February, we argued over a text message. I texted him to say I missed him, but his response was “I love you”, signalling that he had not even read the message. He got angry when I confronted him about it and gave me the silent treatment for a week. I was so mad that I told him I wanted a break from the relationship. That’s when he came back to his senses but continued treating me with disdain. I sought my sister’s intervention, but they ended up having a bitter exchange of words. He broke up with me a week ago, citing my sister as the reason for it. I have pleaded with him to reconsider his decision, but he has said he can only be my friend, not a lover. What should I do?

Hi,

Mature relationships have specific characteristics that accompany them such as growth, and six years is a long enough time to determine this. First, the longer a couple of dates, the deeper the connection between them is expected to be. The depth here refers to the level of communication and disclosure that helps give birth to trust and faithfulness.

Second, the longer the dating period, the stronger the merger areas of the relationship. One would expect to see increased areas of agreement that will help the marriage or relationship get established. Merger areas in a relationship include shared values, dreams, and expectations.

Dating couples who desire to develop an effective way of communication must first eliminate suspicions, fears, and lack of trust. Instead, they must seek to establish an environment of free and honest disclosure. They should not keep secrets from one another.

Don’t hide things from each other

When I read what you have written, I wonder whether something went wrong along the way as the two of you dated. I sense a lack of knowledge of each other. This could explain the limited disclosure or the deliberate choice to hide things from each other.

Second, I see a lack of conflict management that could have helped the two of you resolve your communication issues. For example, what did you intend with your text? Why did his text back to you bother you? What made it escalate to warrant intervention from your sister? Was this issue terrible enough to warrant her intervention?

A level of emotional intelligence will help one realise that conflicts could be the tip of the iceberg. The idea is to discover the real issues that are hiding under the surface.

The two of you are in an immature relationship, but that lacks honest disclosure, does not have the right conflict management methods and is overly restless. Currently, your man wants out even though you have assured him that you love him. The two of you are not in a place where you are ready to lay down your life for each other. I suggest two ways you could approach this relationship:

First, you should part ways and take time to learn what it takes and means to be in a mature relationship. Go through the whole process of who you are and what kind of man would be best for you. Determine what matters, as far as you are concerned when it comes to finding a man to date.

Also, finding someone to date and being the right person to be dated are two different things. Your readiness to date must be accompanied by your willingness to hold yourself and your partner accountable. Second, that you put your relationship on hold and look at ways this relationship could be repaired.

However, reconciliation will need you to look into the issues I feel were neglected for the past six years. As such, if this is the road you choose to take, there will be a burdensome task ahead for both of you. Possibly sitting with a counsellor to help guide you as you start will help.

Finally, involving your sister in helping you resolve this issue was not only premature but unnecessary, particularly when one looks at all that the two of you had not put in place over time. This explains why you felt he did not answer your question and everything escalated ending up in the separation. It may be helpful for you not to allow your emotions to cloud things. Try and involve reason so that you can determine what route would be the best for you in this relationship.

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I paid his school fees, now he says he wants to marry me

Hi Kitoto,

A few years ago, I met a man who’s three years younger than me. I’m 26. He told me he had dropped out of university to fend for his siblings but had never been able to continue with his studies. I decided to help the young man out by paying his school fees, and we became close. He recently confessed to me that he wanted to marry me because of my kind heart. I do not feel the same way about him, because of our age difference and the fact that he is less educated than I am. I told him that I loved him as a brother, but he burst into tears. I want him to succeed in life, nothing more.

Hi,

I must commend you on your approach to life and how you see people. Indeed, it is a noble thing to ease this new found friend’s financial burden. I must say that I also commend him for having put his schooling on hold to support his siblings through school.

These are two great qualities that both of you have that most people do not have. This is a value you should never lose. It is a perspective on finances that helps you avoid becoming greedy. Besides, such a value ensures that your finances do not control who you become.

That said, I would also like to commend you for putting certain boundaries to the way you offer such support. Ensuring that support is not linked to specific hidden selfish agendas helps one remain objective in how you relate with people. Your love for him has to come out of sincere desire to make a future together. Consequently, you have to see in him the qualities you desire in a future husband.

 Although we may be attracted to a person because of certain attributes, love still involves a choice that has to be made by you.

However, do not refuse to actively pursue and cultivate a lasting relationship out of a fear that he will be financially dependent on you. Neither should he desire a connection out of a selfish desire to be supported.

As I said earlier, your decision to separate the support from a potential marriage could be the best decision you will come later to appreciate.

First, a marriage must be a dedication or a devotion to your partner. This is the place where you test and approve what is perfect and is going to last; therefore, you need to be of sober judgement.

Second, marriage is built on the soundness of mind. Your friend may need help to enable him to separate your desire to support him with an attempt to make advancement towards creating an intimate bond between the two of you. Marriage must be founded on knowledge of what will work and what will not work.

Knowing your irreconcilable differences that could kill a marriage in the future is critical. This is what helps to remove any falsehoods, branding of others, personal insecurities, and helps deal with other limitations. Relationships must avoid any decisions or actions that arise from irrational decisions. Many unacceptable relational habits are part of our culture today that must be avoided as one crafts their future.

Men and women may be tempted to project each other or their relationships beyond what reality demands. It will, therefore, not be fair for him to see you as an achievement or prize.

Marriage should remain a union of two people who appreciate and acknowledge each other’s place in in the relationship. In this way, marriage thrives on the gifting each spouse brings.

Finally, how you view him will limit or expose what you can see in him. Don’t just feel pity for him; see value in him. One would ask, what drew you initially to him? And as you have related, what limits how far this relationship could go. I would challenge you that, as much as you have placed certain boundaries on this relationship, what is it that he sees in what both of you could become that you are not seeing? Therefore, don’t just be empathetic, discover why he thinks you are a caring person.

Relationships are about two imperfect people seeking a perfect relationship. When we learn to accommodate other’s failures, weaknesses and shortfalls, we open the door to becoming other people-focused.

As a Godly person, I read from the writings of the apostle Paul that, “Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.” This is what relationships are about. This could or could not be the man suitable for you, however, as much as there is no a Mr Perfect out there, we move with care with the choices we make.

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