KITOTO: My husband cheated on me with our nannies

He began cheating on me before we got  married. He continued cheating even after we tied the knot, worse still, with our neighbours and house girls. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

My husband cheated on me with our nannies

Hi Kitoto

I  will be turning 48 this year. I got married at 23. I have three children. I no longer love my husband. He began cheating on me before we got  married. He continued cheating even after we tied the knot, worse still, with our neighbours and house girls. Every time I would find out, he would move on to another woman.

At some point, I  got tired and no longer cared to know. He would at times beat me but soon we would reconcile. He never supported my education yet I supported his projects. I advanced my education secretly and eventually got promoted at work. He was not happy about my progress. We even stopped talking to each other, and we would only do so when quarrelling. But though he disrespects me, he loves his children.

He always wants to know about my whereabouts, yet he never wants me to know what he is up to or where he is when he is not at home.

Even when he goes on leave, he never informs me. I only get to know about it when I see him at home for days. 

As a matter of fact, we hate each other. We are together because of the children, his family and what other people would say if we parted ways.

I have learnt to be quiet  to avoid quarrels,  and I have lost hope in the marriage. In fact, I don’t want to reconcile with him. I look forward to not seeing him every day. I am happy when he comes home late. We have even stopped being intimate. What would you do if you were me? Rose



Patience is a rare commodity in the world that we live in. So I must commend you for your patience and faith that one day this man could turn around. However, in a relationship where there is cheating and a history of unfaithfulness, there is need to combine forgiveness with a call for responsible behaviour.

There is need to spell out a set of issues that need to be improved.

My guess is that your frustration is coming from the fact that after 23 years, there is no progress in this man’s behaviour. From the onset, he was not faithful, and that is why he keeps falling into cycles of multiple affairs. I am not sure whether the two of you ever involved a counsellor or an older couple to walk with you. Sexual addiction is hard to break, particularly where a spouse begins to move with multiple partners. They have crossed the line of feeling guilty or remorseful, and if they do, they feel helpless about breaking that cycle. That is why a counsellor is crucial.

If this man is verbally or physically abusing you, the wise thing to do is to involve  parents, a counsellor or even report to authorities. Some abusers are deterred by the fact that they know certain limits have been placed on them. I encourage you to deal with the inner you. I sense a lot of frustration and a desire to give up. However, 23 years together has its own history that kept you connected. In addition, you have children that need a a home to grow in.

If you have not seen a counsellor, I suggest you see one and look for ways to get him to accompany you. You need to move beyond feeling helpless to knowing that this could be a man who can only be helped by you.

 Addicts of whatever kind tend to look for someone they can feel safe with. As much as he behaves like this, you could just be that person who could lead him to freedom. However, this requires wisdom.

The fact that he appears to love his children more than you has to do with the gap of communication and animosity that exists between the two of you. These kids are the only hope left for him. You can in one way use this as a leverage. If you too can be close to them, you can paint for him what it would mean for the kids if the marriage was working. This would mean putting aside the finger pointing, inner hate and anger.

At least one thing still works, he comes home, where he thinks he finds a semblance of family. How I wish you could use that as well to turn things around. In the end, a relationship is about faith, trust, and diligence to create an enabling environment that is conducive for the two of you and the children God has given you.


My man’s baby mama is back. Is it time to forget about him?

Hi Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship for almost one and a half years. A few months ago, I realised that the guy was once married and had one kid, but he separated with the woman because her father objected to the marriage. At the beginning of this year, the woman came back to live with him in his house, but he did not inform me about it. When I learnt about it, he told me they re-united because of the child’s health issues. Since then, we’ve been having trust issues. He is saying when the kid recovers, the woman will go. When I try to forget about him, he keeps coming to me, saying he loves me, and he wants us to be a family. Should I keep on waiting and trust him?

Thanks, Jynn



My take is that if indeed the child is sick, he has a father who needs to attend to this situation. This is a right that he should not be denied. However, the concern here is why the mother and child have come back to live with thim in his house.  I do realise the fact that  you do not live with him in his house, and that there is no guarantee on who is allowed into his house or not. But I think the woman thinks differently depending on the connection that exists between her and her baby’s father.

If you live with him, which does not seem to be the case, why can’t the mother leave the child with you so that he/she can be attended to by the father? On the other hand, why can’t the child be attended to by a doctor after which the mother takes him/her back with her? If this situation is affecting your relationship, she can only leave if this man makes it clear where your affair stands.

If indeed this relationship ended, the question one may want to ask is whether the love between them ended. What strings still tie them together? Were they officially married or just living together? My concern is whether the reason he is giving about her father objecting to the marriage is strong enough to cause a separation? I am inclined to think that they separated to please her father, or it is a tag line he is using to avoid being questioned about that past. If indeed this man obeyed her father and sent this woman away although he still loved her, then he did it to please him, but this did not end their connection.

It is up to you to consider these issues and ask yourself: Who is perceived to be the intruder here? Could it be you who is perceived this way? It is important for you to face this man and ask the questions you need to ask without fear. Questions that will help you not to jump into fire. But as far as the child is concerned, this man has a right to attend to his child.


I want to walk out on her but she is pregnant

Hello Kitoto,

I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago. We had a baby together, who I love so much. After the break-up, I got into another relationship,  which I think was a rebound. After dating for a few months, I realised that I did not love the woman. I find myself thinking about my ex every now and then. A few days ago, I went to visit my ex and our child and she said she still loves me, and would want us to start over again. However, I am afraid that I might hurt the other woman because she loves me,  and she doesn’t know that I have been faking it. I am afraid of breaking her heart because she is pregnant. What should I do? Help. Luka




The truth of the matter is that you need to clean up this mess before it gets out of hand. Two issues are clear here — you love your first girlfriend although you messed up and chose to run away from taking the hard but the best option of confession and repentance. Somehow, you thought this would sort itself out. However, issues still stand between you and her. You also have other responsibilities of taking care of the child you conceived with this lady.

Your reconnection with this lady should not just be out of a desire to rekindle the love. You must move beyond feelings to taking responsible steps and making a conscious choice to love someone. You have to remember that you ran away instead of working through your failures.

The other issue is about the feelings you have towards this new lady. You thought you loved her, but now you feel otherwise. However, you have a child coming since she is pregnant. I am convinced that you need time to figure out what you are really looking for. The fears you carry today can be sorted by one thing; make up your mind, otherwise you will waste scores of years moving from one woman to another looking for what you are calling love.

I suggest that you interrogate you feelings and decisions. If you don’t, chances are that you are going to find it hard to settle down.

What your former girlfriend is thinking will not resolve you inner indecisions, so deal with issues to finality. Your current girlfriend believed you just like the first did, but you need to be dependable. And whether you like it or not, both ladies will hurt out of your indecision.