KITOTO: I dumped him but now want him back

Hi,

I’m a huge fan of yours.

I’m a 25-year-old woman and dated this man for four years before we broke up. To be honest, I cheated on him and things got really ugly between us, so we broke up and I humiliated and insulted him. After three months apart, I couldn’t believe what had happened, so I called him and apologised for everything and he forgave me but the thing is, he met another woman, so he says I should give him time to sort things out. I don’t know what this means, but I want him to break up with her and come back to me.

I know this is selfish, considering this woman was by his side when I broke his heart. We have met up a few times and talked things over so I don’t understand how much time he needs. All I want is for him to let me know whether we can get back together because I realised that I really love him and want to be with him.

I really need your advice. Should I move on or should I give him time to decide? Can this relationship really be fixed? And yes, I regret cheating on him and have broken up with the man I cheated with. 

Hi,

There must have been a reason for you to walk into the arms of this other man. Maybe it was because of some issues that were not working well in your relationship. Or could it have been out of curiosity and a desire for adventure? Some people take this road and discover it was all about self at the expense of commitment and fidelity.

Leadership Guru John Maxwell says that if we continue doing the same thing the same way, we will keep getting the same results. This is not just a leadership principle; it works in relationships as well.

So, before you move further and push the agenda for getting back together, you need to ask yourself some questions: What made me cheat on my boyfriend? Was it lust? What made me not own up, leading to the break-up? How did the break-up with the boyfriend I had an affair with happen and how did I deal with it?

You have to realise that relationships are about people, who have feelings and opinions. Here are two men affected by your view of relationships. Would you say you have learnt anything?

The past should teach us how to handle the future. I pray that you do not force yourself on this man because if you do, this could be a cycle that will keep repeating itself. In the end, you will be a very disappointed person. You have an opportunity to reflect on your life and how you relate to people. Re-evaluate your values and see where you need to unlearn and learn afresh.

Someone once said that life is not a game of cards. Every action seems to affect life beyond what we currently see. So choose carefully. Cheating might look fashionable, but it is very painful when those who had put their trust in you find out, or when you discover that you were taken for a ride. Sadly, it affects your value system badly. Do not focus just on reconnecting, but reconsider your value system first and foremost. This is your only guarantee to a future “bila manenos (incident-free).”

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She betrayed me once; can I really trust her a second time?

Dear Kitoto,

Many thanks for the good work you do, advising people on relationships.

I am a single, born-again man. I had a girlfriend whom I loved very much. We dated for about four years at the university. In mid-2015, she changed her mind and started dating another man. She told me that she loved him. I tried to advise her against the relationship but she would not listen. We broke up and I moved on. Now, after two years, she is back. She has told me that she has realised she made a mistake, and that she is sorry.

She left the other man because he cheated on her. She wants us to renew our relationship and even hopes we will marry.

I forgave her and have no ill feelings towards her. And deep down, I still love her and am willing to give her second chance. I do not have another girlfriend yet.

Would it be okay to welcome her back after she betrayed my trust? Can trust be renewed if we get back together? After a breakup, can the relationship work again? Kindly help a brother.

Hi,

Why do two people who claim to love each other separate? The two of you dated for four years, and one would expect that you had learnt and knew all you needed to know about each other.

If, after four years, she found that you were not suitable for her, what were the issues she put on the table then? This is key because these issues formed your reasons for going separate ways. I would also be quick to ask whether these reasons were serious enough to warrant a separation.

Two years down the line and she is back and wants to renew the relationship? I would pray that you go back to where you left off issues. First, she had issues about the relationship that were serious enough to warrant a separation. She actually left you for the other man.

My question to you is, what has changed? What does she see in you now that makes her think that this time round things will work out with you? Could there be a need for her to face her actions? For example, what made her end her new relationship? Could the reasons that made her leave you be similar to what is making her terminate her current relationship?

If she is a believer like you, what is her spiritual maturity like? Sometimes if a person’s level of spiritual maturity is low, it makes them impatient and erratic. Consistency is key to growing a stable relationship. One can only re-establish trust where the commitment to the relationship is strong. The way she responds to the initial issues that caused the breakup is key to re-establishing trust. Of course people can break up, get back together, forgive and move on to have a happy ending. My worry is where due diligence is not done.

Forgiveness does not guarantee trust. Faithfulness, honesty, commitment, and total disclosure do.

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I want to marry her but my friends are against it just because we are neighbours

Dear Philip,

I am 24 and in a relationship with a beautiful woman. However, she is my immediate neighbour. Our relationship is headed for marriage but there is a problem: My friends insist that it is a bad idea to marry my neighbour. I am confused, I don’t know whether to proceed with this relationship or just walk away. I also don’t know how my parents and hers will react. Is it wrong to marry an immediate neighbour? Please help.

Hi,

Is this an urban description of “immediate neighbour” or a rural one?  Generally, to rural folk, neighbour could mean a close relative, unless you live in a cosmopolitan area. I know close family friends (not relatives) whose children have married. I would see no problem with two of you marrying and living happily so long as: First, you are not related. Some parents consider this taboo. And second, you love each other and see potential in each other for the future.

What I do not understand is whether you have done your homework properly regarding both her parents and yours to avoid any embarrassment. Most times, love between two young neighbours like you could be the result of a crush and not necessarily base of areas of agreement. I suggest that you do your homework well to avoid pain in the future.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

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WHY MARRYING A FRIEND MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA

 

My take is that couples who start off as friends have a higher chance of having a successful marriage. In addition, those who put effort into building an intimate friendship will tend to first and foremost treasure and protect their friendship. In fact, when marriage is a product of a great relationship, faithfulness, trust, and intimacy are guaranteed. Here are some tips as to why marrying a friend or being great friends is the best bet for you.

1. It is easier to be yourselves when together.

2. There are unlikely to be any shocking surprises popping up.

3. It is easier to make allowances for them.

4. You can handle your highs and lows easily

5. It is easier to go the extra mile and sacrifice when one is a friend.

6. You are more mindful about not hurting each other.

7. It Easier to have fun with each other.

8. You are aware of what easily turns your partner on or off.