It was wrong to advise 40- year-old to wait for Mr Right

Dear Pastor,

I am writing in response to the article on July 27 titled Is the church to blame for my being unmarried in my 40s? I have been keenly following your advice, which has been beneficial to society, but many churches often don’t advise congregations correctly. I believe that the church must include science in its teaching. How can you keep lying to a woman over 40 to wait for Mr Right, yet menopause is around the corner? God, the creator, knows all these things. If you don’t have a husband and your biological clock is ticking, why can’t the church allow you to have a child out of wedlock? I sympathise with the 40-year-old woman who is considering adoption just because the church failed her.

Hi,

I appreciate your feedback. I believe everyone agrees that age catches up with each one of us at some point in life. So, before you judge me harshly, let’s look at what I shared with the woman in question. I am glad you agree that senior unmarried singles continue to face several challenges that have confounded singles and particularly women in this age group for a long time now.

It is not new to see or hear people talk about singles in a derogatory manner or even treat senior singles the way she has been treated. From personal identity crisis to external pressures of stigma from culture or society—these issues have pushed singles into depression.

On the contrary, such senior singles deserve to be understood from their perspective. Why should senior singles be made to feel unwanted and incomplete just because they are not married? Why would we think that all they need is a child if they are to be fulfilled in life?

 It is a proven fact that just as many unhappy singles desired to be married, so are married spouses in loveless marriages and wished they never got married. Joy and fulfilment must start with inner contentment—like Apostle Paul who lived a great and fulfilled life of a senior single.

What we should avoid is unnecessary pressure and labelling imposed by peers, culture or society at large. Knowing how to manage such pressures imposed on us by others is critical for any single person. I realised two things in the life of singles: First, singles need to live out their lives with the freedom given to them by God.

Second, singles can overcome peoples’ criticism and societal pressures that never seem to end. There is a need to overcome people’s criticism when one is not married, one has not been blessed to get children, or when a single chooses never to get married. Helping her get out of such pressure and condemnation is more critical than advising her to have a child out of wedlock to bring peace and satisfaction.

Inner tranquillity

I felt that she needed to be sober and choose rest, not anxiety. Inner tranquillity and outer confidence in who she is are a great starting point. This will make her unafraid to socialise as long as she guards against compromising her values. In addition, she needs good friendships to get accountability partners to help her not end up living a life of regret or loneliness later.

There are a lot of things singles can do instead of locking themselves up at work or at home. Her aim to build strong friendships in their social and official networks will help release and manage the stress and pressures of singlehood.

Finally, choosing hopefulness and not dejection or compromise is the way to maintain dignity. This lady has to take charge and not hate her status. Her singlehood state does not mean she is inferior or incomplete to those who are married.

Christians know that singleness is a gift. The truth is some marriages crumble and people move to the single status when this happens. The truth is that a values-based living will sometimes go against a common culture that advocates for personal freedoms of self-indulgence at the expense of remaining accountable and responsible for choices we make.

Therefore, dating, getting married, or even choosing to remain single must remain a personal decision. I believe strongly that every person must be guided by the values they subscribe to. The Christian values that she subscribes to must remain close if she is to be true to herself. In the end, our choices will reap the desired consequences, some of which we cannot reverse.

What are the ways to make singlehood fun and fulfilling? First, being single is fantastic because it allows one to be spontaneous, travel and not have any cares. Second, singleness provides an opportunity to spend quality time the way you want with those who matter the most to you.

The sad thing is when singles look back and regret not having spent the way they should have. Third, learn the joys of being alone without feeling lonely. Fourth, singlehood is about enjoying a clutter-free life where intimate relationships and the share of troubles that come with them would typically take up a lot of space in their minds.

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