I pay school fees and all other bills, why do I need a husband?

I have been married for 12 years and have two children, 11 and 12 years. I am thinking of walking out of my marriage due to the following concerns. One, my husband has never paid school fees for our children, neither does he buy food, pay house rent, electricity or any other bills.

In 2020, I took a loan and bought a house that we are about to begin living in, but I registered it in both our names. I am worried since we have talked about his being irresponsible but he always claims that I earn more money than him, which is true. However, I don't want him to take care of the big bills, all I need from him is just a little help as my husband and father to our children.

Currently, he is very insecure and accuses me of being unfaithful. I am not. Due to his irresponsibility, I don't feel like being intimate with him anymore, I just want us to part ways but I would like my children to grow up in a complete family. Please Advise me.

Hi,

It is a general belief by many that marriage matures as time goes by. A marriage of 12 years is therefore supposed to show a certain level of maturity and collaboration. This needs to be true for your marriage.

That said, is there anything that stands out that you could celebrate about your husband? Your desire to leave this marriage may be justified, however, I urge you to keenly take a look at what has worked in your marriage in spite of your frustration. I say this because money is not everything.

In addition, your marriage has been blessed with two wonderful children. There are many couples who are not blessed this way. These children need a conducive home environment to grow up in. Is your desire for a separation going to make it easier for you and at the same time provide an environment where they can be nurtured well? Truthfully answer this question.

There are couples that are in a parasitic relationship that is also abusive, this is unacceptable, however, there are others where, although the financial burden of the family falls totally on one partner due to the other not being financially able, they have endured the storms and raised a great family. It is therefore important to do a thorough evaluation of what works for your marriage and what does not and then make a decision.

That aside, the concerns you have raised are extremely valid and I do understand how such issues have affected your marriage. I am also cognizant of the fact that you seem to shoulder every financial burden in your home, hence an enormous emotional toll on you. Your husband’s failure to contribute to these financial needs, needs to be confronted without making him feel cornered and judged. I admire your attitude when you acknowledge the fact that you earn more and therefore don’t mind giving more financially. As such, I agree with you too on the fact that he needs to show some level of responsibility, albeit small. My worry is that he should take advantage of your generosity. That said, it is you that knows how much he can contribute based on the resources he has.

In most marriages, it is not even the financial burden that is the issue, it is the indifference and the lack of genuine concern by one spouse that becomes a problem. The issue could be how the two of you have been handling each other on this matter.

Since the longing you have is for your children to grow up in a stable environment, my take is that: First, you have to agree that the two of you lack a financial plan for the marriage. Second, you may need to develop a workable budget that shows the income against expenses and determine what it takes to manage all the affairs of the home against the income available. Third, call for a seating, possibly with the help of an expert to guide the process. Do this without making accusations or pointing a finger. The idea here is to start a journey of building consensus on issues you’re dealing with. There has to be a desire for such a discussion where the environment is accommodative and inclusive.

A couple I once interacted with, let’s call them Peter and Jenny, were headed towards divorce due to money issues that emanated from lack of a joint financial plan. After sitting down with a financial counsellor, they learnt how to disagree without fighting and were also able to set their financial priorities, in the process salvaging their relationship.

I suggest that you look at your financial struggle as a life-shaping lesson for both of you. It is worth celebrating that despite the many challenges you face, the two of you do not live in an abusive relationship. The insecurity you say your husband has developed and the lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship are the result of the dysfunction that is there in your relationship. Once you start resolving the issues at hand, the negativity that currently stands in the way will hopefully start melting away.

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