What you need to know:
- Research has shown the disconnect between a couple’s choices and the values they consider to be core.
- Spouses who resist accountability and marriage counselling could have issues they are not willing to disclose.
What went wrong with my marriage? We started so well. We spent endless evenings dreaming of a blissful future together. I was only 20 when we met. During our last year in college, he convinced me to get a baby. We talked at length about it. Finally, I gave in and we settled in our little house, had our baby boy and life was great.
Our son is now 10 years old. We added a second one two years ago and that is when we started having issues. He has rejected the idea of going for counselling or getting marriage help from anyone. He comes in late, does not talk to me. He is arrogant and very mean financially. I pay the house rent, pay fees for our son, and pay the utility bills.
He spends most of his time drinking with friends. Twice I have found condoms in the car. He can’t seem to keep a job because of his drinking. I resent my husband and wonder if I should continue staying in a failed marriage.
The truth is that the wearer of the shoe is the one who knows where it pinches. Are all relationships worth saving? It is hard to give a direct Yes or No answer to such a question because we have no idea what damage the constant fighting, mistrust, crying, misunderstandings, and loss of love have done to the relationship. The questions to ask include: “When and how did things begin to go wrong?”
Research has shown the disconnect between a couple’s choices and the values they consider to be core. The consequences to the family in such an instance could be disheartening and a start to troublesome marriage.
Consequently, many spouses feel less happy in the marriage even though they once felt it was the right one for them. What I am left wondering is whether your situation has to do with poor choices made earlier in the relationship, lack of relational skills that would help build genuine love, or the failure to rest the relationship on key pillars that build and sustain a healthy relationship from the onset.
The other issue to consider is what drives your man to be resistant to seeking help. Often, spouses who resist accountability and marriage counselling could have issues they are not willing to disclose. In any relationship, happiness comes from authentic interdependence. The level of friendship between the two must attract a level of vulnerability which your husband seems unwilling to submit to.
I am a believer in a couple relating both with the feelings of the heart and by the facts that present themselves as we put the relationship in the spotlight. The truth is that; your man has had no stable job. This has presented two key challenges to the marriage.
First, this has left you with the burden of carrying all the financial needs of the family. Secondly, is the challenge of emotional instability in the relationship associated with his drinking and cheating . In addition, the fact that he does not want a systematic way to deal with these two issues makes it complicated for you. There is need for dialogue on how to improve communication, conflict management and ways to rebuilt your love life.
Dialogue will help reveal if the two of you are in this relationship for the right reasons. For such men, their behaviour could be a way of self-preservation. Steve Saccone affirms that “When we value relationships for the wrong reasons, or when there is no advantage to be gained, people quickly become disposable.” Apathy settles in and we feel discouraged.
It is time that you: a) Evaluate your place and voice in this relationship; b) To create harmony there is need to put in place a joint plan on resolving what wounds the relationship. When a relationship takes the path of self-indulgence and fails to embrace the feelings of the other person, then there remains little hope for both parties to find equal representation in the relationship.
This will with time become a time bomb waiting to explode when you begin to feel like you cannot take it any more. On the other hand, if your choice is to stay without resolving the issues, you will feel worse than you currently feel. This will give your partner the ticket to think that they have a right to live life the way they want.
This will also, leave you with little room to work for mutual fulfilment. With the discovery of condoms in his possession, it is clear that he has chosen a path that seeks to gratify himself. When those in a relationship show value, respect and affirmation, those involved feel needed and an important part of the relationship. This is what you should focus your energies to. If this is unachievable, then there is little hope to the marriage experiencing the bliss intended.
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