A 10-step guide on how to bamboozle Kenyan voters

1. Be Mr. Moneybags or Lady Largesse. FYI; this step is for those who are making a debut into elective politics. If you're already loaded, skip this step.

Here’s the thing. You can’t jump into a crocodile-infested river without tons of meat. Not unless you want to be turned into minced meat. This means you must amass extraordinary amounts of wealth, by any means necessary. If folks come against you, refer to step 7(b).

2. Be philanthropic personified. Dish out money and goodies at the drop of a dime. Once you’re referred to as Mhesh or Kiongozi, you must make it rain. In this game, stinginess is akin to fumbling the bag.

If anyone tries to challenge your tactics, refer to step 8. 

3. Be devious. Lie worse than the devil. Lie so brazenly you will make Satan - who is the father of lies - to complain to God that you're robbing him blind of his cheating cred. Lie about anything and everything. For instance, if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth; swear that you've eaten with dirty hands since the day you dropped from the womb onto the dirt floor of your shack.

If anyone calls your bluff, refer to step 6. 

4. Be business-minded. Elective politics is a big business. It's all about the bottom line. Which is why you must surround yourself with folks who love plundering and pillaging. Promise them they will get paid if they help you ascend to power.

Cut deals. And, while you're at it, be cutthroat and, literally, if need be, cut throats. If you're put to task about your tactics, refer to step 3.

5. Be creative. This means decoding the masses’ psyche and finding out what's ticking. Come up with catchy slogans and rallying calls, even if they're nonsensical. You’re good to go as long as the slogans resonate with your target audience.

If anyone puts you in a tight corner, refer to step 2.

6. Be an “open book”. Duh. This is a facade to fool gullible folks. You must give the impression that you're easily accessible. Dish your phone number to the public. Eat with peasants in their dingy joints.

Being an open book also means wearing your heart on your sleeves. Again, of course, this isn't your real ticker. You're an unfeeling moron. But, for the sake of optics and the prize, hide your fangs and show your teeth. 
If anyone questions your moves, refer to step 3.

7. (a) Be a super-duper schemer. (b) Have a solid and sold out tribal base. Use the old divide-and-rule trick. Never fails to work. Divide people along class lines, or tribes or whatever is convenient.

If anyone puts you to task, refer to step 9. 

8. Be the high priest of hypocrites. It’s all about false pretences. Put church folks in your back pocket. Ditto other religious segments of society whom you feel hold the swing vote.

If you're cornered and asked to declare your stand, refer to step 3.

9. Be a chameleon. Any time you feel the need to advance your cause, be steps ahead of rivals or you sense waves and winds are shifting, change accordingly. 

If you’re put in a tight spot, refer to step 7(a). 

10. Be tenacious. If you’re unsuccessful, start back at one. Or, if you've done step 1, skip it and start wherever.

This is a politically-proven process. Trust it. Wherever you restart from, the chips will, eventually, all fall into place. That is, if it's not hacked.

Here's the hack. Hold 1 to account. Conscientiously decline 2. Denounce 3. Oppose 4. Deconstruct 5. Don't fall for 6. Stand, in totality, against 7. Call out 8. Unfollow 9. Fail 10 at the ballot. 10 out of 10 times.