Dear Pastor Kitoto,
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have three children. She is pregnant, but I am not sure that the pregnancy is mine since she cheated on me. When I found out about the first affair, we put a stop to it and I forgave her, only for her to start another affair last year in September.
Her due date is November this year, but she insists that the baby is mine since she got intimate with this man for the first time six months ago. I am confused as I am not sure whether this is true or not. I am wondering whether I should wait for her to deliver then do a DNA test. I don't know whether I should trust my wife again.
I am hurt. I cry every day.
It is clear from your email that the actions of your wife have greatly affected you emotionally. For her to have another affair even after you forgave the first one must be very hurtful.
Before I go any further, if the psychological turmoil you’re going through is not handled, it might greatly affect your health. You have, therefore, done well to come out openly and talk about the issue you are going through.
You do not say why she had these affairs, but, whatever the reason, when one falls into such behaviour, it carries with it consequences one may not have considered, including causing you great pain and breaking the trust you had in her.
The thought that your wife could be carrying another man’s baby is hard to stomach, but forgiveness demands that we treat the offender as though they never erred. Do not allow yourself to be frustrated and refuse to forgive because you may just be the father of the unborn child.
That said, affairs are messy and difficult to explain off or resolve. Infidelity does not respect race or how long a couple has been together. The truth is, extramarital affairs are commonplace these days. Nowadays, the idea that a marriage partner has a right to have an affair is viewed as normal, as inevitable. It is no wonder because today, the media is at the forefront of encouraging the young and old alike into promiscuity and adulterous unions.
To couples like you, the big question is, “why?” And in situations such as yours, one would keep wondering: “How could you do this to me?”
The reasons given for an affair can never get rid of the pain the one that gets wronged goes through. My take is that affairs have to do with the heart, the values one holds, and the power to choose. Really, the rest is details.
After forgiveness, healing and rebuilding of trust follow, but it takes long. If your wife’s inner control systems have collapsed, then her ability to do the right thing will take counselling and prayer to restore. In the end, for some, when caught up or confronted with a difficult situation, they may choose to either run away from the offender for fear of further hurt or run back to what matters most and seek healing.
The latter has worked for many, but it takes hard work and great patience to rebuild trust. Seeking spiritual help from your pastor or counsellor may help in facilitating healing. But the choice is yours.
Your wife must come to terms with the fact that she hurt you when she betrayed your marriage and the trust you had in her. The fact that she had another affair could reveal a deeper problem with her value system.
If you decide to give your marriage another shot, your wife needs to admit her mistake and seek help.
She must also take responsibility to remedy her ways while you work on creating an environment suitable for healing. Although your expectations have been crushed, my hope is that you will find a way to salvage this relationship if you still want it.
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