What you need to know:
- Love is never defined and driven by the pressure of people around you.
- The demands of love on a 19-year-old from a man of your maturity could, if not watched carefully, derail her priorities and dreams for the future.
I am 28 years old and my girlfriend is 19. She just finished secondary school and is waiting to join university. We love each other deeply.
For a while now, I have been on the receiving end of pressure from my family and friends to find a woman and marry. They keep asking what I am waiting for given I already have a stable job.
However, we agreed with my girlfriend to wait until she at least graduates from university. This will take about four years.
The pressure from my family is increasing by the day. Close friends are advising me not to waste time citing the girl may even change her mind about our relationship once she goes off to college.
Although I have full confidence in our relationship, I can’t help but wonder, do relationships such as ours work? There is a part of me that fears they could be right. Would waiting for her end up being a waste of my time?
Still, there is now other woman I would rather be with. She is the love of my life. She has not given me any reason to doubt the sincerity of her love and commitment to me. What do you think?
My take is that, although she has qualified to get an ID, she is still too young to understand the true meaning of loving. I doubt she knows it means to love unconditionally and sacrificially.
Again, at her tender age, I believe she has parents and other siblings that she is accountable to. How would the demands that her parents have on her conflict with yours?
There is a likelihood of her shifting allegiance from her guardians to you and that will stir up trouble, presently and in future. She doesn’t have full capacity to make independent decisions and any attempt to do so, particularly with regard to the relationship, might be perceived as downright rebellion.
Second, love is never defined and driven by the pressure of people around you. I sense a level of heightened pressure that leaves me wondering and honestly surprised by your inability of control such external influence. At your age, you need to make choices that help you determine your future for yourself. As much as their input may be entertained, your reactions and the choices you make must be based on sound judgment.
Third, the demands of love on a 19-year-old from a man of your maturity could, if not watched carefully, derail her priorities and dreams for the future. What would happen if this girl got offered a scholarship to study outside the country? How would the commitments you make with her affect her career growth?
I have discovered that, young people at this age require a great deal of guidance concerning career issues and general life issues. My question is whether you will be playing the boyfriend role that comes with their demands or guidance and counseling role? This is where fights will start—either between you and her direct or between you and her family.
Price to pay
From my viewpoint, I would doubt if she truly understands the demands this relationship will bring. In equal measure, through my years of counseling, I have encountered many younger girls who lost their dreams through marriages that came too early or relationships that placed too many demands at an early age.
At 19 years, she will need to mature if she is going to offer you the maturity you need in a wife. If she is going to be fully absorbed in maturing this relationship, this will require plenty of time and commitment to the relationship.
Depending on the career plans that her parents have for her future, the question I pose is, “How long will you need to wait for this relationship to work?”
Additionally, what price are you willing to pay to ensure the relationship doesn’t undermine her future while at the same time lead to a solid union in the future? I say this because there are relationships where partners knew each other and related over many years through secondary and college education without compromising each other’s dreams.
Regarding your second concern, I am not really sure if waiting for another four to five years will be a waste on your precious time. It is only you who can answer that. Remember, that question can only be answered in context. Without the context of her desired future education and dreams and particularly the influence of her guardians on the same, we can’t do justice to the question. Do remember, if you were willing to wait for 4years, you will be in your early thirties. Would this affect your plans?
In your view, she has proved beyond doubts that she loves you. However, love is a choice to make sacrifices for your partner. Is this what you are willing to do?
My hope is that this is not just another crush a young girl may have on a man they look up to.
Haunted by a past relationship, please help!
I have been reading your advices for long time, since 2010. Keep up the good job.
I was in a relationship early this year and we were blessed with twins. I wanted to marry the mother of my children but it was not possible. According to certain beliefs of where I come from, I had to kill one child in order to marry her. I couldn’t bring myself to do such an awful thing. There was an option to perform a cleansing ritual but it was too expensive so I left her.
Three months ago, I met another woman and married her. She is expectant.
All was going well until recently when my past caught up with me.
Back in 2014, there is a woman who I was “chasing.” Unfortunately, I was not successful in winning her heart. Last year, we met and after parting, she called me in September and claimed to be pregnant with my child.
I was happy because I thought we would now get married. But I was wrong. In January this year, we agreed to meet. As I neared her town where we were meeting, I called her but the phone was off. Several attempt later I realized she had switched off her phone. I had to sleep in her a hotel.
A week later, she called and apologized profusely. We agreed this time she comes to my place. This woman went silent immediately I sent her fare to come over. I just deleted her from my heart.
Now, recently she called me. This is after I had married the woman who is now carrying my child. She congratulated me on my marriage then went ahead to ask for financial assistance to raise “our son.”
I have never laid my eyes on this child, I was never involved in shaving or naming the child. How do I send upkeep for a child I have never seen? She did her best to avoid me when she was supposedly pregnant, why reach out to me now asking for money?
Thank you for being an ardent reader of this column since 2010. I am indeed impressed by your zeal.
Now, since you left mother of the children left and married someone else, you may need to address two issues:
First, what do you need to do in taking responsibility for the children? The agreement you have with the children’s mother should be one that provides stability to the children.
Second, you connection to these twins should not interfere with her life. After all, you chose to allow your beliefs to interfere with your desire for marriage.
You are currently married to someone else and yet still entertaining calls from another lady you had a crush on. I am convinced that you need to make certain changes that will help you live your life with purpose.
First, there is need for you to review your life in view determining how you have related with previous ladies. Review your values and priorities and their impact on your decision making. Second, according to your email, the lady you are now married to is carrying your baby. Your main concern should be about the future of this relationship. And not let it end up like previous ones.
Thirdly, determine not to allow the desires of your flesh place demands on you that will continuously put you in a difficult position.
Send your relationship questions to DN2Parenting@ke.nationmedia.com