Dear wife, this is why I come home late

Another woman, Mary*, reveals that the intimacy part of her relationship with her husband no longer exists, but out of fear of being judged, she would never say a word about it.

Mary admits to entertaining worrying thoughts of finding a secret partner to fulfill her sexual needs.

In her quiet moments, she feels sad that the bond and trust that existed between her and her husband when they got married is no longer there. They have been married for five years and have two children,  and Mary believes that the expanded family and her demanding role as a mother are the reason her husband frequently comes home late.

"Sometimes, I sleep in the children's bedroom even when he comes early because I have lost feelings for him. We are just co-existing as parents to our children. He is the kind of father that just checks on the children via phone calls because he is never at home during the day," she said.

This issue of husbands and fathers who return late in the night, long after the children have been put to bed, seems to be a common pattern in many households. This leaves many women with unanswered questions as they try to figure out why their once loving husbands now prefer to stay out late day in, day out, only to return when the entire family is asleep.

Traditionally, men have been seen as the breadwinners who shoulder the financial responsibilities of the family. This role has often been blamed for bringing untold stress and frustration to some men, who choose to seek solace outside their home, be it through social gatherings, bars, or simply spending more time at work.

We sounded out a few men to unpack this issue and find answers to the question of, what is it that keeps men away from their families? Is it the demands of work, the pull of social circles, changing dynamics within the family unit or feelings of resentment towards their wives?

Lenny Mbani, 38, remembers how his once harmonious marriage began to shift after the arrival of their first child. Having been married for eight years, Lenny and his wife were initially a close-knit couple, but things took a turn when the demands of parenthood came into play.

"Initially I used to come home early. We were newly married and happy. Our bond was strong," Lenny shares.

However, the birth of their first child marked a significant change in their relationship. Lenny says he noticed that his wife's attention completely shifted to their new baby, leaving him feeling sidelined and unappreciated.

"My wife stopped cooking for me. Our house manager took over that role, and when I asked her about it, she would simply say she was tired," Lenny recalls.

The bond they once shared began to weaken, and he found himself spending more and more time outside the home. looking back, he says his motivation for staying away was to seek the companionship and peace he felt was lacking at home.

When Lenny began to eat out more frequently, he noticed that his wife didn't seem to mind. This made him feel even more frustrated.

"She stopped asking why I wasn't eating at home like she used to before the baby came," he says.

This lack of concern led Lenny to stay out even later. He thought he was giving his wife time and space to be with the child and avoiding what he describes as "the noise" that could easily be triggered by small things. During this time, he developed friendships with men who were facing similar challenges.

"Through my new friends, I found some sort of peace. We would meet every evening to discuss football, politics, and sometimes to network. It became a habit," he admits.

However, this habit came with its own set of challenges. Lenny found himself spending more money than he wanted to since everyone in the group had to contribute to the group’s expenses whenever they ate out or went to the club for drinks.

Before long, he began facing temptations of infidelity.

"I will admit; it was tempting to keep another woman. But when you’re out every evening, you meet girls who are also idling around, and before you know it, you are overspending.

“One day I spent Sh20,000 to buy drinks and food for strangers! I was taken aback and began questioning whether the financial effects were worth the peace and fun I was getting,” Lenny confesses.

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Lenny's late nights quickly became a routine.

"Even as I stayed out late, I was conscious and always ensured that I would balance the situation at home. I would make sure I wake up early to chat with the children as they prepared for school," he says.

Lenny’s saving grace came in the form of his sister, who moved in with them after completing Form Four.

"I would say that was a relief for me. She (my sister) was home all the time before she joined university, and she became my companion whenever my wife was in a foul mood.

“My mother also played a major role by encouraging us to seek counseling, which we did. We're doing better now."

Kimani*, 52, says he stopped going home early after his wife began suspecting he was having a relationship with their domestic manager.

"During our early years in marriage, we were in the same profession but I later resigned and started my business," Kimani says.

After 22 years of marriage and two adult children, Kimani reflects on how his relationship with his wife changed when he was in his 40s.

"My wife, who is a nurse, often got home after me because most of her shifts ended at around 8pm. One day, she asked why I had our nanny's phone number after I mentioned that the nanny had called me to ask if I could refill the gas cooker. She was upset and suspicious, asking why I was even coming home early," Kimani recalls.

He explained that he saved the nanny’s number in good faith, and had never thought of cheating on his wife with her.

"I got the house help’s number in a very innocent way. One day, I came home early from work and had to wait at the gate for my wife to call the nanny to let me in. To avoid the inconvenience, I decided to take the nanny's number and save it on my phone. That move almost ruined our marriage."

Kimani says that most of the time, he ends up meeting his friends at a nearby club before heading home because he is afraid of the accusations that often follow whenever his wife finds him in the house alone with the house help.

"I leave work at around 5.30 pm and take the bus home because I don’t like sitting in traffic. But instead of going to my house, I always stop at a local joint where we meet with a group of about seven other married men to chat about life. We realised we were all facing similar challenges at home."

To accommodate this routine, Kimani sets aside part of his monthly budget for these meetups, acknowledging that they sometimes spend more than he had planned.

"I usually get home at around 9pm, knowing my wife is already there. This helps me avoid the question of, ‘What were you discussing with the nanny in my absence’ and many other arguments.”

When asked if he ever sleeps away from home, Kimani says, "Unless I’m out of town and my wife is aware, I don’t sleep away from home."

From the expert

Dr Benson Agaya, a lecturer at the University of Nairobi in the Department of Sociology, says this issue touches on various aspects.

"When you refer to the whole aspect as men coming home late, that will be very ambiguous. This discussion touches on several key factors that contribute to the men’s irregular presence, including occupational demands, emotional and relationship challenges, changing gender roles, and spiritual differences," he says.

Mr Agaya opines that one of the primary reasons for some men's irregular presence at home is the nature of their jobs.

He says that certain occupations, such as those in the oil sector, transportation, security, or shift work, require men to be away from home during unusual hours, such as nights, early mornings, or weekends.

"These work-related absences are often unavoidable and are not necessarily a matter of choice, but rather a requirement of their job. The irregular schedules make it challenging for these men to maintain consistent involvement in daily family activities, which can have varying impacts on family life," he says.

Beyond occupational demands, Mr Agaya says emotional and relational issues also play a significant role in keeping men away from their homes.

The lecturer notes that in some cases, men might intentionally stay away from home to avoid conflicts with their spouses.

"For instance, when the emotional connection between spouses weakens and meaningful conversations become rare, men might find it easier to stay away rather than engage in arguments. This avoidance is sometimes a coping mechanism to preserve the relationship and prevent it from deteriorating further. Some men don't want to be bachelors so they try very hard to avoid scenarios that could lead to that.

"In most cases, if you find that you are not connecting with your wife, it might be because of the demands of parenthood, or shifts in perspectives such that you can no longer have meaningful conversations."

Mr Agaya also discusses the impact of evolving gender roles on men's presence at home. He says traditionally, men were the primary breadwinners, and their absence from home was more accepted as women typically managed the household.

However, with women increasingly joining the workforce and becoming more independent, the dynamics within the household have shifted.

"Women now have careers and responsibilities outside the home, which sometimes leads to less emphasis on traditional wifely duties. This shift can create tension, especially when men feel that their role within the family is being diminished or overlooked. Some men choose to spend more time outside the home to avoid confronting these changes," he says, adding that spirituality also plays a critical role in marital harmony.

He observes that differences in spiritual maturity between spouses can create a disconnect that affects their relationship.

"When one spouse is more spiritually mature and the other is not, it can lead to friction and misunderstanding. In such cases, the more spiritually mature spouse might strive to uplift the other, but if the gap is too wide, it can result in further emotional distance. This spiritual disconnect can contribute to men’s irregular presence at home as they seek to avoid the discomfort and conflict that arise from these differences."

Impact on children

Mr Agaya says the irregular presence of fathers at home has a significant impact on children, especially in terms of their emotional development and sense of security.

He mentions that even in the absence of physical presence, children can form strong emotional bonds with their fathers. However, these bonds can be strained if the father’s absence becomes regular.

"These days you find that sometimes when the dad is travelling for a week, he communicates to his children and not the wife. So the children will be aware when their dad is not around, yet the wife isn’t, and now with the technology, he can communicate easily with the children without talking with his wife."

Mr Agaya adds that children might also feel neglected or disconnected from their fathers, which can affect their overall well-being and development.

"The sense of security that comes from having a stable and consistent father figure can be compromised, leading to potential issues in the child's emotional and psychological health. This could affect their performance in school and even how they relate with other children.”

Mr Agaya encourages seeking counselling and support when issues related to irregular presence escalate.

He says that while men often shy away from discussing their problems, both spouses must seek help when they notice that their relationship is deteriorating.

"Counseling can help address the underlying issues, whether they are related to occupational stress, emotional disconnect or spiritual differences. Involving a neutral third party such as a counsellor or spiritual leader can provide the necessary guidance to navigate these challenges effectively," he said.

*Names have been changed to protect the interviewees’ identities.