Bored in your marriage? Here’s how to rekindle the fire

Never lose sight of the fact that you are different people.

Never lose sight of the fact that you are different people.

What you need to know:

  • Keep track of your changing individualities, personal and mutual interests, ambitions, and perspectives. This will prevent you from drifting apart.
  • Oftentimes, your feelings of boredom will be due to a break away from the things that caused you to fall in love with your partner in the first place.
  • If you want to get more love, strive to give more love. If you want to be listened to and understood endeavor to be listening to your partner and understand them.

Most couples are usually deep in love at the beginning of a marriage. So intense is the shared affection that the thought of ever falling out of love sounds absurd. But the reality is that the infatuation fizzles out within months. This can spur boredom. You may even long to be single again, which haunts your emotions because you don’t want your marriage to fall apart.

Here are a few pointers towards rekindling the dying embers in your marriage.

Give and you’ll receive

Psychologist and the author of Single and Searching Dr. Chris Hart says in a marriage, each partner will get a proportionate share of what they give emotionally, mentally, and even intimately. For example, if you want to get more love, strive to give more love. If you want to be listened to and understood endeavor to be listening to your partner and understand them. “This will only become possible if you learn to put each other first,” he says.

Go back in time

Oftentimes, your feelings of boredom will be due to a break away from the things that caused you to fall in love with your partner in the first place. “By the time you begin to fall out of love, you’ll not only be missing and longing for the person you fell in love with, but you will also be missing the individual you were back then,” says Dr. Lisa Firestone, a psychologist and the author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships. Strive to get back to the positive feelings and attitudes you had about yourself, your life, and your partner. Dr. Lisa cautions that this doesn’t mean you stop developing and growing in life; it means you encourage the positive feelings to evolve in tandem with the growth and development of your life and marriage.

Sorry and I love you

These are common denominators in marriages that work. These words aren’t always easy to say. Failing to own up to mistakes or to offer sincere apologies builds up resentment that will eventually put your marriage asunder. Say sorry when you’re on the wrong and be a forgiving partner.

On the other hand, departing from the days you used to tell each other ‘I love you’ regularly might be construed as an indication that your feelings and commitments have died down. “Start and make a habit of saying ‘I love you’ to each other as often as you can. Say it with sincerity rather than as a formality,” says Dr. Hart. Dr. Barbara Markway, a psychologist and the author of Illuminating the Heart says some of the other phrases you can include in your day to day communication include ‘I admire you; I really think you look great today; I appreciate you; I can’t wait to see you; I’m here for you; Good morning!’

Keep up with your growth

Keep track of your changing individualities, personal and mutual interests, ambitions, and perspectives. This will prevent you from drifting apart. “Never lose sight of the fact that you are different people,” says Dr. Hart. “Accept each other’s differences and find ways of taking advantage of your unique personalities to boost and grow your marriage.” Choose to support and uplift each other to realise your individual and collective goals.

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