What you need to know:
- It is commonly expected that a good Valentine’s Day will end with steamy sex. This expectation is more prevalent among men.
- Not every Valentine’s Day gesture or gift will work for every woman. You must know your woman, what she likes, and what she may not find very endearing.
- Don’t hold back if you want your Valentine’s Day to end with terrific sexual intimacy.
It is Valentine’s Day. This is the day of love, flowers, chocolates, candle light dinners, bubble baths, and lots of sex. In fact, sex is as synonymous with Valentine’s as the colour red. But if you and your partner have been intimate before, it is easy for your sexual intercourse to get lame on this big day of love. So, what should you do to make things interesting between the sheets? Should you even go between the sheets?
Sex is not inevitable
It is commonly expected that a good Valentine’s Day will end with steamy sex. This expectation is more prevalent among men. “After spending so much to make a woman’s day, the least men expect is sex,” says psychotherapist Kelvin Mathu. But according to famous sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer who is the author of What Every Woman Needs to Know about Sexual Health, it is a mistake for men to think that sex is inevitable on Valentine’s Day. “One mistake men make every year is to bring chocolate and flowers, and then expect terrific sex just because they haven’t forgotten the holiday,” she says.
Know your woman
Not every Valentine’s Day gesture or gift will work for every woman. You must know your woman, what she likes, and what she may not find very endearing. For example, says Dr. Westheimer, one woman might like a lingerie gift while another might be offended; one woman might find it seductive while another might mistake it as your buyout to sex. “If you’re not sure whether lingerie might be accepted but still want to go that route, consider going for something neutral like an exquisite pair of underwear,” she says.
Go for him
Don’t hold back if you want your Valentine’s Day to end with terrific sexual intimacy. According to Dr. Chris Hart, going naughty is one of the sexiest ways to raise the temperature. “Try being bad. Put on something seriously skimpy, look him straight in the eye and tell him he has to do whatever you want,” he says. Dr. Hart also says that this should be the night you explore some of your fantasies. “Have you always longed to make love in the bath? Go for it!” he says.
Change the venue and the ambience
If you have been getting cozy in your bedroom with lights switched off, this is the day to up the ante. Get out of that comfort zone. Hire a hotel room, an AirBnB, or even one of the spas and saunas with facilities for couples who want intimate time. According Mathu, simply going to a different place can help you feel like you’re trying something new. “It helps if you can find an exquisite hotel. But if you don’t have the means, find a place that’s neat and affordable, where you are going to open a new chapter of romance and write something memorable,” he says.
Choose a method of contraception that works for you and your partner. Condoms are the most popular barrier-based method. (Just make sure your partner is wearing the right size.) Men believe wearing and removing a condom is as easy as putting on socks, but the majority use condoms wrongly. Although over 20 million condoms are used in Kenya every month, a study conducted by the National AIDS and STI Control Programme (NASCOP) shows that about 70 per cent of men in Kenya don’t know how to wear condoms properly. The condom is supposed to unroll smoothly from the rim on the outside. If you wear it inside-out such that it doesn’t roll, it is advisable that you discard it and get a fresh one. “When putting it on, squeeze the tip to get rid of any air in order to minimise chances of the rubber breaking. When withdrawing your genitals during intimacy, it is critical to hold the base of the condom to prevent it from coming off,” says general physician Dr. Ann Muritu. “Where the condom is not standard, it is important that you get the right size. Too big will slip off, too small will tear,” she says. The birth control pill is the most popular form of hormonal contraceptive. However, if you’re not using condoms, it’s important that you and your partner are tested for STIs prior to having Valentine’s Day sex.
The pressure and performance anxiety
If you have built up pressure and expectation throughout the day, it is easy for anxiety to kick in. This may result in premature ejaculation or failure by the man to come to an erection. “Such occurrences are more mental than they are physical,” says Dr. Muritu. As such, it is important to understand how you will approach sex, and especially the preparation and satisfaction of the woman. According to Mathu, oral intimacy is one way of pleasing each other that you can explore on your special night. “The majority of women do not achieve orgasm through sexual penetration. They achieve it through oral stimulation, including clitoral stimulation. Taking your hygiene into consideration, explore ways to stimulate each other, with the woman leading the man towards her erotic and pleasure zones,” he says.