hika Superhighway
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Those who prayed for rain should be compensated for suffering from floods

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Residents stare down at a flooded section of the Thika Superhighway at the Kahawa Sukari exit on May 1, 2024.

Photo credit: File | Nation Media Group

The hustler government wishes to inform all Kenyans that we arrived at the decision to declare May 10 a public holiday in memory of all Kenyans who have died from floods occasioned by our pathological failure to heed to Kenya Meteorological Department’s warnings.

We have decided to set aside this day to mark the beginning of a major tree-planting programme to show our global funders that sometimes we can listen to those who tell us about climate change, for as long as they have climate mitigation funds to give us to go finish dredging the new State House pavilion so that our hustler president can also be safe from floods. It would be embarrassing to also move State House to higher grounds in the Rift Valley where we took him from to come worship with us closer to the city.

All funders who have little cash set aside for climate change programmes are asked to get in touch with the State House diary man. They can then come for a photo session at our new construction site to confirm that their monies are being put to good use. Whoever has questions on the quality of construction materials is reminded that our hustler president painstakingly went through the academic rigours of earning his PhD in plant ecology, while those giving him unsolicited advise on how to use public money only saw a blackboard at New Langas Carpentry Workshop.

Intellectual gap

For that reason alone, we want to urge all Kenyans to mind the intellectual gap when addressing the President on his pet subject of demarcating land for planting trees and other flora that adds to the ecosystem’s biodiversity. Anyone pretending to know more about plant ecology than our God-chosen Farmer Number One should find other important use of their idle time during this national tree planting holiday, because this government was chosen by God and rains come from heaven.

We have decided to set aside this day in memory of all victims of the devastating floods, which are a result of the rains that we, ourselves, prayed for last year when we summoned all prophets to Nyayo Stadium to talk to God directly instead of going through brokers who have been taking their cut before sending our prayers piecemeal.

When we brought down the Bible at the Kasarani Stadium more than one-and -half years ago, we promised all Kenyans that the first order of business for the hustler government would be to eliminate all cartels that have been sitting on our prayer requests for rain at the expense of farmers who needed it to bolster the chances of our country attaining food security by 2030.

Made positive progress

We can now comfortably report that we have made positive progress in this area by receiving all the rains that were due to us every time we submitted our prayer requests during the annual prayer day. Those who keep saying that the government should abandon prayers as a policy are unhappy with God for listening to us without going through the brokers they were used to.

As a result of dismantling prayer cartels at the Ministry of Environment, the hustler government has saved the Kenyan public billions of shillings—money that we now seek to divert into paying entertainment allowance for State House intercessors and other UDA prophets whose efforts at returning Kenya back to the body of Christ have begun bearing fruits.

Now, all prayer warriors on government payroll who have been affected by the floods should report to the hustler mansion by close of business this week with an inventory of all property lost or damaged as a result of the rains that you prayed for. The hustler government wishes to include you in the flood relief programme to apologise for putting your life in danger in the defence of this nation. We hope this temporary setback will not deter you from continued fasting and praying for this nation to repent and return to our God chosen government in time for the 2027 elections.

The Bible says in the Book of Psalms 118:18 “The Lord has disciplined me severely, but He has not given me over to death.” Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, again. God is ministering to us in the Book of Psalms that He has disciplined our God-chosen government severely to teach us a lesson about the need to keep the promises we made to His children in Kenya, but it does not mean he has given us over to death in 2027. Can I hear someone say Halleluiah?

Purchase tree seedlings

As we mark this holiday, the hustler government wishes to encourage all Kenyans to use money meant for food to purchase tree seedlings and plant at least 50 trees each. This is because the funds we received last year for this programme were used to hire choppers and pay for accommodation and meals for all Cabinet secretaries who flew around the country to take photos while planting trees “for the culture”.

This year, we have decided to do things differently by putting the suffering Kenyan at the centre of this noble exercise, which is why we have decided to give them a holiday so that they can rest from eating and divert that money meant for food to underwrite the tree planting.

For a long time, Kenyans have been asking how best they can demonstrate their patriotism so that the hustler government sees that they can die for it; we have finally found a perfect way to test the resolve of starving Kenyans just like Job was tested in the Bible.

While we may not wish to see Kenyans go through the full range of suffering Job went through to prove that they love their God-chosen government, the hustler government can neither confirm nor deny that we would be happier if Kenya was used by Christian evangelicals as a case study in their preaching for those who doubt that we are living in the end times.