A beginner’s guide on how to end banditry in Kenya

Hustlers in Kenya are alarmed at the manner in which our government seems helpless in dealing with the bandit menace in the North Rift.

We would have kept quiet and let the government suffer, but after reminding ourselves that we’re the ones who asked God to vote for this government, we’ve decided to share with them the marking scheme on How to End Banditry in Kenya.

Threats and Intimidation – Since 1906, public communication experts have conducted scientific research on how best to deal with militias competing with governments on who’s got the monopoly of violence.

Studies have shown that talking tough is the most effective way of making bandits sit upright and take notes – all the government has to do is provide the bandits with fountain pens and plain notebooks for the class to begin. It helps if the Minister threatening the bandits is a former law lecturer with a soft voice to guide them on how to shoot ink.

President William Ruto’s appointment of law lecturer Prof Kithure Kindiki to head the security docket was, therefore, informed by Pure Science. Graduates of Impure Arts should have a PhD first before attempting to teach scholars how to run the government.

Holy Word

Holy Word – The Bible reminds us that we should always remember to pray for those who hurt us and not repay evil for evil. Our competitors who don’t believe in God have questioned why the clergy in Kenya chose us over them in the last elections – today, we want to answer them with conviction.

Church leaders support the Hustler Government because whenever hustlers are confronted by difficult challenges they run to God who has never abandoned them. As such, the Bible teaches us that no sin is greater than the other and we shouldn’t judge sinners by their past. Bandits are also Kenyans too and they deserve a second chance in life.

Those suggesting that we should shoot bandits dead should also tell us why they don’t prescribe the same treatment to other hustlers in government who steal hospital money meant for dying Kenyans. The Bible reminds us that we’re all equal before the eyes of the Lord, and God will not be happy on Judgment Day if Angel Gabriel told Him that we have been treating hustlers differently based on their wealth status and the height of their relatives in Government.

Prayers

Prayers – Tied to the (second point) above is the lesson that we should always take all our problems to the Lord in prayer. If you doubt the power of prayer look at Chief Hustler himself, who has God lifted from being a barefoot roadside chicken seller to the President of the Republic of Kenya. 

Prayers have moved mountains and made Kings out of hopeless situations. As hustlers, we’re reminded that it’s our Godly duty to keep praying for bandits to repent and come back to Christ. This is why we’re encouraged by the Government’s intention to send the Kenya Defence Forces (KDF) to go and greet them in the name of the Lord. This is the only handshake the hustler government supports.

Hustler Fund

Hustler Fund – Of all the programmes we’ve launched for young people engaging in crime, the Hustler Fund is the most effective and foolproof way to end unemployment and crime among hardened youth in Kenya.

With the Fund now fully in place, bandits can borrow money and distract themselves by betting on Arsenal games as the cattle they’ve stolen quietly return home. In addition to gambling, the Hustler Fund has given bandits easy float to buy bundles and trade in cryptocurrency, consequently quitting banditry for good.

Our competitors who’ve been asking how bandits will benefit from the free government internet we’re installing in all public primary schools, we hope today we’ve removed cobwebs from your eyes. You can thank us now. 

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