Oestrogen wars: When menopause and puberty live under one roof

This is the third of a four-part series on menopause.

The clash between menopause and adolescence is an often overlooked but potent source of family tension globally. As more women delay childbirth in favour of career advancement, the intersection of menopause and their children’s teenage years becomes increasingly common.

Dr Michael Mbiriri, a clinical psychologist and child and adolescent psychotherapist, emphasises, "The clash between the two phases is not a fallacy. It exists and several scholars have written journal papers about it.”

Stellah Nduku, a hospitality expert based in Mombasa, had always enjoyed a smooth relationship with her three kids, especially the middle one. Her children, aged 22, 16, and 12, had been her joy, but two years ago, she began clashing with her middle child.

“I did not know what was going on, but suddenly my relationship with my daughter became quite strained. I felt misunderstood by pretty much everyone around me.”

“At first, the collisions were not as frequent, but as the days and weeks went by, they got more intense. It was so bad that at times I resorted to locking myself in my room because any moment we locked eyes, we would argue about something.”

Their arguments, Stellah says, were triggered by the minutest issues. There were times she could burst into her daughter’s room as early as 6am and just start quarrelling with her about the disorganisation in the room. At times, the daughter would talk back, and this only made the situation worse for both of them.

Read also:  Furaha Bishota: My battle with menopause, the silent storm

The sudden strain in their relationship bothered her a lot, and she sought counsel on how to handle the matter.

“I decided to talk to my daughter’s youth pastor, mentor, and godmother. They were all shocked since they had known my daughter for almost all her life and they also understood our relationship. They offered to speak to her and know what the problem was.”

“The feedback I got from them after they spoke to her was as shocking as it was eye-opening. I was the problem—I had a bigger part to play,” she asserts reflectively.

“It was a point of self-awareness as I got to understand we were in contradicting phases. I had just turned 50 and my daughter was turning 14. No one had ever prepared me or even told me that my menopausal era would present with mood swings and bouts of unprovoked anger. I got to understand that my daughter and I were clashing because we were both navigating two extreme phases without a manual.”

From this feedback, Stellah says she intentionally started working on herself. She managed her mood swings better and intentionally rested more. She also joined a group in her church called 50+ Fabulous, which consists of older women above 50 years of age.

“This group has been quite supportive, and the lessons I have picked and continue to pick from there have been very instrumental in how I relate to my children.”

Dr Mbiriri explains why menopause and teenage clash. “Adolescent females are experiencing an increase in oestrogen levels, which causes changes like maturing breasts, while their adolescent male counterparts experience an increase in testosterone. On the other hand, a woman in menopause is experiencing a big drop in oestrogen, which may result in various psychological issues. This can cause anger, irritability, loss of confidence, sadness, mood swings, and stress.

“So in this scenario, one party is increasing in oestrogen and the other one is decreasing in the same. It is also important to note that teenagers also exhibit psychological issues such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, sleeplessness, irritability, and increasing negative emotions when going through this phase."

Stellah believes that had she not sought help, things between her and her daughter would have gotten worse. Her daughter, now 16, is in Form Two, and they are best friends.

Read also: Menopause in the workplace: One in four women consider quitting due to symptoms

“My daughter is my best friend now, and we talk and joke about everything. It is interesting that two years ago, we could not stomach each other,” she notes with a subtle smile.

Stellah’s case is quite similar to Eva Wangui’s, a Kenyan based in Canada.

Eva is a mother of three children aged 25, 19, and 16. The 52-year-old started experiencing peri-menopausal symptoms when her firstborn was 16, her second-born was 13, and her last-born, a daughter, was 10 years old. “Unfortunately, my son, the middle child, bore the brunt of my symptoms. The firstborn was almost out of teen-hood, and my daughter was still too young. So, I clashed most with my son who was right in the middle of his adolescence.”

“I started experiencing intense mood swings and became quite irritable. I am a full-time working mother, and at first, it was very difficult to figure out what exactly was happening to me. This was especially because at around the same time, I was diagnosed with second-degree heart block,” she offers.

This condition presents with fatigue, heart palpitations, heat episodes, anxiety, and stress, which are pretty much the same as peri-menopausal symptoms.

“I wasn’t the best person to be around when these mood swings set in. Though I would snap out of them just as fast as I would snap into them, they were very nasty. I still look back and wonder how I navigated that phase.

“In 2014, I was diagnosed with a second-degree heart block, and that was taken care of. But I was still irritable, had mood swings, and my concentration levels dropped to a point where I struggled to complete tasks I initially did effortlessly.”

“I was a very volatile person both at home and at work. If something triggered me at work, I would easily take it out on my kids and vice versa. This was a very difficult and strange phase for me because naturally, I am a bubbly person who hardly gets angry.”

When this persisted even after the treatment of the heart condition, her doctor pointed out that she was in peri-menopause. He recommended and put her on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

“Within a few months of being on this therapy, my life was in chaos. The peri-menopausal symptoms multiplied and became so intense. The clashes with my son escalated,” she recounts with alarm in her voice.

“This was in 2016, and I think looking back, this was the peak of our clash! I remember there was a time I got a call from his (my second born’s) school about an assignment he had not done! I think I flew to his room upstairs, and we had such an intense argument. Immediately after this, I regretted my actions and decided to be calm moving forward. I also stopped the HRT, and somehow, I was able to manage my moods. I became intentional with my words and actions.”

Read also: Menopausal hormone replacement therapy: Urban craze or necessary care?

According to the Cleveland Clinic, Hormone Replacement Therapy or HRT is a treatment that helps people with symptoms of menopause. Healthcare providers also call it hormone therapy (HT), especially when you receive treatment after age 50. Most often, HRT is the term providers use when you receive the treatment at a younger age, especially before age 40.

“I would later learn that my mood swings were affecting my son’s performance in school. He was going through bullying at school, and at the same time, he couldn’t talk to me about it because I was always snappy. The realisation made me an even better and more self-aware parent. I was able to step back and offer him compassion. I feel bad that my poor boy had to go through that, but I am glad that I was able to pick my lessons and now we share an unbreakable bond,” she says with a glitter in her eyes.

Being self-aware, she says, has greatly helped her in how she relates to her 16-year-old daughter.

“We’ve had no collisions at all with my youngest, and I know for a fact that this is because I am self-aware, so I always know when and how to react to certain things or situations,” she says.

Dr Mbiriri highlights the importance of understanding and communication: "The sad thing is that the bulk of people going through these phases is not psycho-educated. They hardly understand menopause or the changes that happen during adolescence. Open communication is very important. I highly recommend that parents, at whatever stage, have open communication and dialogue with their kids. Being tolerant and compromising at this stage helps both parties."

For Jackie*, a communication specialist in her 30s, memories of her prime teens tend to send shivers down her spine.

“It was in 2010, the period that I cleared Form Four and was awaiting to join campus. I was 17 — at the peak of my teenage years. The side of my mother that I experienced during this period was very confusing,” she starts.

“My mother, a teacher by profession, was and is a very quiet and reserved person. But the mother I experienced during that period of 2010 was a very volatile one. There was absolutely nothing that I did that was right by her,” she recounts.

She intimates that her mother would leave for work every day and when she would come back for lunch, she would just start quarrelling.

Unmanageable

“It would be about anything! Oh, you are always on TV, oh, the house is untidy — even when it is tidy, oh, you do not know how to do dishes, oh, who will marry you with this kind of laziness — she would pretty much complain about anything and everything, even those that made no sense. She would even threaten to go back to her parents' home because we were ‘unmanageable.’ This made me very fearful of her. I got anxious whenever the time for her to get home approached. I was always walking on eggshells around her,” she confides.

This treatment from her mother started getting to her.

“I am the slimmest in our home, and when I realised and felt like my mother was picking on me, I started thinking I was an adopted child. I felt I was an outcast, and that is why she hated me so much. I would cry myself to bed on most nights.”

One day, as her mother was preparing for work, she sent Jackie to deliver a package to a neighbour who was a doctor. As Jackie was returning, she met her mother at the gate as she was leaving for work.

“As usual, she started with her outbursts, saying that by the time she comes back home, she expected a list of things done. I broke down, and she proceeded to work. Our neighbour, the doctor, got to see all this, and he later called me and asked me if there was an issue. I broke down and opened up to him. I told him that I felt my mother hated me. I told him that she was always picking on me for no reason at all.”

The doctor was patient with her and explained that her mother was going through something called menopause.

“This was a shocker for me because all I knew about menopause then was that it was pretty much the end of the monthly menstrual flow. Dr Sammy, our neighbour, explained to me that there was a possibility our clash was from the extreme life changes we were both experiencing.”

Avoided triggers

For such scenarios, Dr Mbiriri emphasises the importance of education: "Psychoeducation is very important. Teenagers need to understand that milestone or that developmental stage. And the people who are experiencing menopause also need to understand that developmental stage. The parents also need to understand the teenagers and the changes, the crises that they're experiencing. And also be able to understand themselves."

While Jackie never got to speak to her mother about this discovery, she understood her better and avoided any triggers with her.

“Instead of being angry at her for how she treated me, I avoided as much as I could to stay off her lane. I avoided any triggers, and thankfully a few months later, this phase faded out and my mother was once more the loving and reserved mama I knew,” she notes with a chuckle.

Recently, Jackie noticed a similar clash between her menopausal cousin and her daughter (Jackie’s adolescent niece) and she was able to save the situation.

“The two would always be yelling at each other at the slightest inconvenience from whatever side. I noticed that it was getting out of hand, and I decided to talk to my niece. She cried, explaining that her mother was always picking on her and scolding her. From my lived experience, I explained to her what was happening to her mother. I told her to just be patient with her and stay out of her path as much as possible. I am glad to say that since that chat, I have noticed a huge improvement in how the two relate,” she says excitedly.

Dr Loice Noo, a relationship expert, echoes Dr Mbiriri’s sentiments that the clashes do exist and are very real, and if ignored or left unattended, they can become lethal and cause a serious divide in families.

Dialogue

“We are seeing more women chasing their careers nowadays and getting babies when they are a bit older, unlike a few years back. This means there is a high probability that we have women going through menopause while their children are in adolescence.”

She explains how the clash happens: "Teens want to experiment with different things. This generation of kids is quite exposed compared to their parents. On the other hand, the mother, who is definitely from a different generation, may feel this child’s idea of exploration is an entitlement. As a result, they may try to withhold resources from them. You have to tolerate them. Maybe the way we were brought up by our parents is not the way we can be with our children. So, we need to have tolerance and a lot of compromise."

She says that in her profession, she has had to deal with parents who are falling out with their children and the biggest deal-breaker is mostly financial. We have a young generation of betting addicts.

“Kids want to afford the things their parents consider luxuries. As such, they end up in peer groups where they do a lot of betting to get the money. Others go to the extent of faking their kidnapping to swindle parents.”

She, however, notes that self-awareness and adequate dialogue between the two parties can help greatly reduce the clash.

*Name hidden to protect identity