Motherhood: The silenced experiences

Motherhood is a beautiful phenomenon. It is often described as a blessing, a bundle of joy and is more times than not, life-changing. Society often romanticises mothering, painting a blanket picture of rosy and fulfilling experiences.

But just like a striking painting, there are different hues, shades and tones. The reality is that being a mother can be a melting pot of happiness, sadness, resentment and even regret.

Although women who experience these conflicting feelings may not fit in the socially accepted mould of “a good mother’’, it only goes to prove that multiple truths can exist in an instant. Indeed, mothers are not only caregivers and nurturers but are also – human.

At times children knock at a woman’s doorstep when she least expects them. While this may be a pleasant surprise, it could also be terrible timing.

This was the case for Jeri Furahah Muchura, an award-winning photographer and doting mother of three who got her first child at the height of her modelling and production career.

“I love my children dearly and I do not regret having them. However, I regret the timing because it was unplanned,” she said during an interview with Nation.Africa.

“I had my first child at 26 when my career was finally taking off. I had my life mapped out and the pregnancy destabilised them.’’

Despite the fact that Ms Muchura was on birth control at the time, she still got pregnant. This was because she didn’t have sufficient information on the interaction of antibiotics and contraceptives.

She had taken drugs to cure a minor cold only to discover that it counteracted the effectiveness of her birth control.

As such, she had to park her career ambitions to take care of her baby. Meanwhile, her peers were making strides in their careers.

“Apart from the mental and financial stress of having an unplanned child, I felt angry and frustrated because my career was slipping away before my eyes,” she says.

It was difficult for Ms Muchura to contextualise those feelings at a time when society expected her to be fulfilled by motherhood and not her career.

“I think women are put on a pedestal whereby being a wife and a mother is expected to be their form of self-actualisation. They are rarely viewed outside their roles as caregivers,’’ she adds.

Anger and frustration

The photographer was deep in unchartered waters of motherhood and felt robbed of her thriving career. She also felt pressured to exhibit feelings of love when what she actually felt was frustration and anger.

“I felt multiple emotions at the same time. I felt immense love for my child, but I also felt regret for missing out on career opportunities. I was homebound with a new-born when I could be doing that which made my heart sing,” Ms Muchura says.

After five years out of a fast paced career, it was impossible for her to dive back in an unfamiliar territory.

Nonetheless, the tumultuous experience birthed another child for her, a new found love for photography. Now an award-winning photographer, Ms Muchura says she found solace in acceptance, therapy and leaning on her support system.

“Mothers who are struggling should sit in their truth and acknowledge feelings of hurt, anger or even resentment. Accepting this feeling at that point prevents the situation from festering and turning into bitterness,’’ she says.

Apart from unfavourable timing, the sheer weight of societal expectations of mothers can take a toll on new mothers.

“We live in communities where parenting, especially motherhood is dictated by external factors and actors. Our cultures and religions prescribe how a mother should act, feel and raise her children,” Maureen Odera, a human rights and gender advocate tells Nation.Africa.

The mother of three reveals that she struggled to raise her first child because of trying to live up to ‘recommended motherhood’.

“Despite reading many parenting books, none of the recommendations was practical. I was being encouraged to breastfeed exclusively for the first six months, yet my son rejected the breast at four months.

"He was not getting satisfied on milk alone. This led to an internal conflict between wanting to wait for six months before introducing solids and watching my child cry out of hunger without something to fall back on,” she says.

She was awash with guilt for not getting it right the first time. The new mother expected to enjoy motherhood but was left constantly waiting for the fun part to arrive.

This was compounded by the fact that she had children quite young when her peers were frolicking. “I do not regret having children. I just regret not being ready for them,’’ she says.

Ms Muchura and Ms Odera’s sentiments are just the tip of the iceberg of women’s silenced narratives of motherhood.

Aminah Jasho, founder of Unmothering the Woman, a safe platform with more than 500,000 digital reach says women are muzzled from articulating any negative experiences of motherhood.

“Mothering experiences should be subjective to each woman. Women cannot be expected to conform to society’s expectation of how an ideal mother should parent,” she adds. “I would advise women to have a support system whether in their partners, family, friends or a therapist.”

As Ms Muchura similarly puts it, “People tend to forget that when a baby is born, a mother is also born.”

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