What women leaders sacrifice to ‘have it all’

I have a theory: if you want to buy a good hat, ask a woman. That is because the average woman wears many of them—mother, daughter, friend, sister, CEO, caregiver, you get the drift. The null hypothesis is that, of course, there is no relationship between women and hats, but you wouldn’t know that from my list of respondents. The research question, as old as the hills that even Socrates ignored it, was simple: Can a woman have it all? Do they have it all? And more importantly, what have they finally come to terms with? These are women who are seemingly put together, whose decisions are so impactful they might as well register on the Richter scale. Women with appetite, application, ambition.

EVALYNE ODONGO, Group Legal Manager, Siginon Group

What’s something interesting about you?

I climbed Mount Kenya. I enjoy challenging myself.

Is there a challenge you have found unsurmountable up to this point?

There are several challenges but there is always a way around it or through it. My motto is just to keep pushing, get there, and get a result. Sometimes it may not be what I expected it to be, but with some fine-tuning and redefining, I do eventually get through.

Has being a woman ever cost you a job or an opportunity?

In some ways. I remember I once had an interview when I was six months pregnant, which was not so visible and I thought I did well. I never got a call back from them, but three years later I interviewed for my current job while pregnant with my second child and this time I was the one who volunteered the information. They were pretty cool about it, and I got the job and they even went out of their way to make me comfortable. Before that, I thought I should just quit my career for a while, raise my children then come back which is what some women might opt to do. It’s that Kiswahili thing, “Akufukuzaye hakwambii toka.” I remember someone at work once throwing a comment: “Are you pregnant or something?” like it was meant to be an admonition.

Can a woman have it all?

You cannot. If you do, then you must have 50 hours in a day. I read a book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It's All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Thingsfrom Taking Over Your Life [by Richard Carlson.] I may not have it all so I am going to determine and prioritise what I can have, and what I can expect.

My children need me but there is a lot more I can delegate. For instance, they need my time at work, and I will dedicate specific hours to it, ditto my social life. It’s the serenity prayer, “Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” What every woman needs is a strong support system. Children are especially very delicate, and I know of very strong career women who quit to take care of their children.

Without that support system, it becomes very difficult for you to let go and delegate and not sweat the small stuff.

What’s one sacrifice you’ve had to make to get here?

I have had to make two career changes for the sake of my family. I moved to Mombasa initially to start a family, which meant I had to leave a better job at the time and took a pay cut and a lower position than what I was before. Twice I have had to take a pay cut for the sake of my family; not that I am complaining, because I would have progressed sans the peace of mind I have now.

What’s one thing you’ve finally come to terms with?

That God has a plan and that we have no idea what that plan is but if we trust him, things tend to work out. My faith in God has been strengthened in recent years through the different occurrences that tell me without a doubt there is a superior being and he has a plan. If we trust Him, things tend to work out to our benefit and the glory of God.

RISPER ALARO, Group Finance Director, Centum Investment

Has being a woman ever cost you a job or an opportunity?

No. I have always thought that it might actually have been what got me the jobs [chuckles]. I have worked for one employer all my life and took a sabbatical for some time.

Can a woman have it all?

No, especially not at the same time. I believe that life is a series of seasons and some seasons require more of you. As you focus on that priority, you may need to get lots of help to deal with the others or put them on the back burner.

Do you have it all?

Haha! No I don’t! Two years ago, I rejoined formal work, and comparing the season before and the season now, despite loving my work, I knew I needed a bit more time with my children and friends. It’s never a perfect position but I am learning to grant myself some grace. To be fully present where I am planted.

What’s the hardest part about being a woman in your position?

Expectations. You are expected to have it together and be strong and get it done but I don’t think that is something we can truly be, because we are human.

Are these just outside expectations or even from you?

Everybody, including myself. I want my children to be happy, and to attend all their school sessions, because I am many things: I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a colleague, and a friend. In all those spheres, there are expectations that I have of myself, but many a time there is what is expected from that community. It’s easy to say you’d ignore but many a time you wouldn’t.

What matters more than you thought it would at this juncture in your life?

That’s a great question. [long pause]. Being authentic to myself. Being able to say no to situations I don’t need/want to be in and doing things I am passionate about and want to be involved in as well as speaking out more and being very clear about what I truly feel.

What do you think most women have that they never get to appreciate enough?

Mhh. Their ability to coin solutions and do things that impact others. Some women see less than what they are truly capable of doing, which is unlike men who say they can do everything, even those things that for sure they cannot [chuckles]. We need to appreciate the capacity and abilities that we have to impact as women.

What’s one sacrifice you’ve had to make to get here?

Before taking my sabbatical, I felt that I was missing out on family. I had a lot of support around me, but I always felt that I was not giving them the time that I should. When I moved to the season of rest in my four-year sabbatical, I realised it wasn’t about the quantity, but the quality. When I look back, I see it is all about being intentional, hence my decision to get back to work. I don’t think I sacrificed anything, I just thought I was. It’s all a matter of perspective and understanding what I needed to do at that particular time and granting myself the grace to focus on it.

What have you finally come to terms with?

[chuckles] Interesting. That I need to live for today and stop thinking too much. To live in the present.

KUI MBUGUA, General Manager, Uber Eats

Has being a woman ever cost you a job or an opportunity?

Not quite. However, there has been bias that has led to certain opportunities being given to men over women when there is an assumed technical capability or competence. For instance, logical, finance-modelling type of opportunities lean toward men while women are put toward more capacity-building, team orientation-type initiatives.

Can a woman have it all?

All differ depending on the type of woman. Based on your definition, then I think you can have that, depending on how you balance your life, the things you are looking to achieve, and what your priorities are during the different seasons of your life. Depending on the seasons and what the season demands of you, then in that case you can have it all, but it’s all contextual.

What’s one sacrifice you’ve had to make to get here?

I look at it more as an investment. When I was much younger that investment looked like late nights and time spent learning the craft. Now that I am older it is upscaling intentionally, spending time with my team, and so on. I think how you frame your journey also plays a big part in how you perceive the opportunity that you’ve been given.

What’s the best part about having gotten to where you are?

Being able to inspire people who look like me, which is African women in this continent, that you can traverse industries and occupy male-dominated spaces while still maintaining your character and personality. There is no one definition of what a successful GM or CEO or leader looks like, no matter what position you are playing in.

What have you finally come to terms with?

In terms of women and leadership, there is no one way to win, there is no one type of winner and there is no definition of what winning looks like. At different times in your life, you may have to balance the different glass and rubber balls in your court. If you have glass balls like family, parents, your spouse, and your children, those are glass balls and can break at different times in your life and must always take priority over rubber balls—and work is a rubber ball. That is something I realised over time.

DR SYLVIA NELIMA KOKONYA, Chief Talent & Happiness Officer, BURN

Has being a woman ever cost you a job or an opportunity?

I would say yes. I think it would be deceptive for any woman to tell you that it hasn’t. My background is in engineering and even from the class setting, there was a higher ratio of men to women, and even in that space men are taken more seriously. Yes, being a woman has cost me opportunities even if it’s something as simple as being selected for a class project.

Can a woman have it all?

The picket fence? The family? The career? It’s about balance and over time we get to understand our strengths and thus dedicate the amount of time that is required to the things that we are less strong at so that we can have a balanced life and “have it all.” Of course, if you are not very aware of what is happening then something might miss out, so you must be very intentional about what you spend your time on, and what you give your weight to. I think the key thing is being intentional.

Have you found this elusive balance?

I have but maybe I have been un/fortunate to have found it a little older. I feel younger women are surer of what they want than I was 20 years ago. People have been empowered to be better at self-awareness and know these things sooner than others and are willing to make mistakes and move on to the next thing. And that gives them an upper hand in reaching this place quicker than people my age did.

What’s one sacrifice you’ve had to make to get here?

The biggest sacrifice was not living with my son full-time to pursue my PhD in the UK. It was almost impossible to do both simultaneously—care for my child holistically and finish my engineering PhD, which is quite difficult to achieve anyway. That was a big sacrifice.

How was that experience for you?

In everything your support system is very important and I had an excellent support system. As gut-wrenching as it was, my support system was second to none.

What’s the best part about where you are right now?

I think it’s being able to resonate with the mission of where I work. Our money is where our mouth is. We have gender parity in roles that are not traditionally for women, not only in the world but in this part of the world. And being in an organisation where we are intentional about how we do things—especially in keeping gender parity. I am glad to be leading a team that has placed a head of tech, director of legal, head of product, head of communications, and director of partnerships, and that a good 60 percent to 70 percent of the senior-level roles we have hired are women and that makes me happy to work where I am.

That means I don’t have cognitive dissonance where I believe in empowering women on one hand, and then fighting it at work because it’s all in synergy, which makes me happy.

What’s the most difficult decision you’ve had to make as a woman lately?

Whoa. Maybe to not be able to fulfil everyone’s wants for happiness. And I say this to mean happiness in the workplace and that people are viewed as people, not just a resource to get things done. Being a very inclusive organisation where everyone feels seen and heard not just the 95 percent who say they are happy.

What is one thing you think most women have that they never appreciate enough?

Versatility. You come to the workplace and possibly you are not a manager but don’t understand that from the time you are at home, you are managing that home effectively, juggling all these things. Versatility is a woman’s superpower. In an evolving, dynamic, organisation versatility is a skill that is second to none.

What is one thing you have finally come to terms with?

[Long pause]. Okay wow. You are a person and everyone has limitations. The notion that there are no limits is almost a fallacy.

I have reached a point where if I were to summarise everything, is to give myself grace. Give yourself grace for not being 100 percent every day, give yourself grace for showing up.

SHREYA KARIA, Founder, SHK Consulting

Has being a woman ever cost you an opportunity?

Yes. Recently I was travelling and I was in a conversation with somebody who is in an entirely different industry, a male-dominated one, things like shipping, mining, commodity, and steel.

This industry guy has a connection with my family, but I had never dabbled in it (the industry), and then this person said, “Yes, we weren’t very keen for you to join the family business or extend our partnership with your family if you were going to be involved, because we have a policy that we just don’t like to work with women.”

This was three weeks ago. I thought we moved the needle far. That the discrimination is not blatantly executed in your face, not that if it was it would hurt any less.

I wasn’t even seeking nor was I interested in that position. I think we have become so “woke” that we think we should be politically correct in what we want to say, and not necessarily in what we do.

That must have stung.

If I said to you, I encountered it in my 20s you would be like yes, that’s natural because men are pitted against women for various reasons and the odds are in favour of the men for many reasons. I have a proven track record of my accomplishments and that was jarring, forcing me to take a step back and think, “We came this far to just be here?”

If I were in my 20s, I would have been devasted, but at this point, I feel sorry for them, and doing the work and knowing what I bring to the table has shifted the conversation. That comes from a place of strength, not to play the victim card but also not to try and change someone’s opinion in a very short space of time when that is a bigger and longer conversation.

Can a woman have it all?

My view is controversial. I know the Sheryl Sandberg book about having it all, and in the interest of full disclosure, I do not have children so I cannot speak fully from this context but I do not believe you can have it all, at the same time. I cannot be a CEO and give 100 percent to my company, employees, and clients while still being fully present for my family, friends and community.

You have a finite amount of time and attention; you have to prioritise what is the most important to you at that time. Something has to take a step back, not that it dies, just less time. The expectation to ask women to have it all is so much pressure. Imagine juggling three jobs, looking perfect, having a perfect weight, being present for your community, and building your esteem, would you be able to manage?

Something must give.

Indeed…I’ll share a personal example. Over the past couple of years, you start noticing a switch where you become the parents to your parents. If I were to say that I have it all, working 12 to 15 hours a day, and running a household, would I be able to be present for my parents? I spent two and a half weeks outside Kenya with my mother who was having surgery, and despite having to work at that time too, work had to take a step back a bit and get fewer hours. By making those choices, I was present for the person I think is the most important in my life.

What is something you have finally come to terms with?

Oh! For the longest time, women suffer from impostor syndrome and an identity crisis of self-confidence. The flip side is that as you grow up as a young woman you are taught you don’t need to take up space in the world—don’t be loud, don’t be out there! You’ve got to where you are because you are capable, but don’t have the voice inside you to say and do the things that need to be done.

I have concluded my journey as a spin instructor that if you want to let the world see who you are, you have to take up space. It doesn’t mean being a bully, but somebody who can walk into a room and their presence is felt.

Own your skin, your choices, and your thoughts. That means you have to take up space.

I guess there is no need to ask you what your life mantra is then.

[chuckles] Taking up space is now my daily goal of how I want to live life. My mantra is that for each decision you take or do not take, will you be able to live with yourself when you look in the mirror?

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