What’s the place of pornography in a marriage?

The anxiety was obvious. It was the fifth time John was calling in two hours.  “We have to work this out, me and you. Come up with some story that can save my marriage,” he said.

I requested him to come to the clinic for a face-to-face discussion. In his first call, he had requested that I call his wife and lie to her that I had prescribed some movies for him to watch as treatment for his mental stress.

“But you know that is unethical John,” I had explained. But John would not listen. He called again and again, suggesting one lie after another. “I have been caught and I see no way out other than creating some story to scare her and calm her down,” he explained on arrival at the clinic.

John’s wife had discovered links to pornographic material on John’s computer. John had a habit of staying late watching pornography. He got pleasure out of it.

“But as you may know I also feel quite guilty after watching it, especially once I get sexual release,” he explained.

Pornography is a difficult topic. Currently, it is estimated that the porn industry mints more than $10 billion every year. Over 200 million hours are spent watching porn.

Pornography is more common in men than women. This is because men are more sexually visual, easily getting gratification from watching sexual acts. Women, on the other hand, are relational and get pleasure by watching romance in the context of relationships. It is for this reason that soap operas are popular with women just as much as pornography is popular with men.

Sexual rights activists promote sexual freedom and believe that everything goes as long as it does not interfere with other people’s rights. They believe that people should be allowed to explore their sexuality including learning new sexual information. They also believe that people have capacity to choose what is good for them and that this makes them realise their full sexual enjoyment. For them, porn is permissible.

Conservatives on the other hand believe that pornography corrupts the mind and leads to moral decadence; that good people can get poisoned by what they watch and can turn into sexual perverts and addicts. As such, they promote censorship of materials people watch to weed out porn as a way of promoting moral values.

Whatever your belief may be, if you are distressed by the number of hours you put on porn, you need to be aware of health guidelines relating to porn. First, if you have a sexual partner you should reveal all your sexual desires and practices to them.

“Eh doctor, that may not apply in our context!” John exclaimed.

I know most married people hide some of their sexual practices from their long-term partners, thereby living double lives. The question though, is how long one can hide such a regular practice from a person one is close to. Be sure to have a relationship crisis should your partner discover that secret side of your life. They feel fooled, lose confidence and stop trusting you. Marriage can easily break.

Secondly, porn is not reality, it is drama. People are paid to act. There is however a potential danger that people who watch porn can end up trying unusual things they watch in real life, sometimes with partners who may not even know what they are up to. If you choose to watch porn, do not carry what you watch to your marital bed. Your partner is not one of the porn actors you have watched online.

Third and very important, protect children from porn. Sexually explicit material is damaging to the young mind. It is very easy for children to bump into such materials if one or both partners are watching them in the house. If your children get exposed to the materials, you will have damaged them forever.

“All that is fine doctor but just tell me how to handle my wife now,” said John.

Although truthfulness may be the difficult route to take when you are in John’s situation, the results are better for a couple in the long run. Following an open discussion, some people decide to stop watching porn while others continue with the knowledge and permission of their partners. Some resort to mutual porn watching, a situation where a couple watches porn together.

Following the session, John brought his wife to the clinic for a follow-up visit. He broke the news about his porn behaviour to his wife in front of me. Incidentally, his wife had also been watching porn occasionally. They agreed to forgive each other and watch porn together.

“I hope you are fine with our decision doctor,” John said as they stood to leave the consultation room.

“If your values allow pornography then proceed,” I said. “Peace of mind is important.”