The sacrifices we made to be intentional parents

This absence can create a profound emotional gap as children grapple with loneliness and an unending quest for love.

Kennedy Maingi, a single father, Mary Thairu and Teresa Watetu, a psychologist, share with Lifestyle the crucial role of being present in a child's life.

Be present

Kennedy’s fatherhood journey began in 2004 while he was in his final year at university with the birth of his first child in 2004.

“I was present and helped my wife during her pregnancy journey and when I first saw my daughter, we connected. It dawned on me—now you are a father.”

And when his wife returned to school, Kennedy stepped up.

“My daughter was a "cry baby,". So when her mother was in school, I was staying home with her at her auntie’s place in Nairobi.”

A pivotal moment came during a work stint in Ethiopia, where he realised the cost of being away.

“After staying in Ethiopia for one year, I swore never to be away from my children again,” he says.

“One time my wife called me and told me that my daughter followed one of her cousins calling him ‘daddy’. This broke my heart.”

This experience shaped his approach to fatherhood, driving home the importance of being actively involved. Later, Kennedy got an opportunity to make up for the lost time when his wife travelled to South Africa leaving him in charge of the children.

“I learnt a lot —how they wake up, go to school, even the little behaviours like how they respond to the nanny.”

Kennedy says that parenting is more than just providing financially.

“You might be providing money, but you don't know your children. You're just a glorified parent. If you miss a step, you will never get it back."

Kennedy is hands-on with every aspect of his children's lives, from schoolwork to meals.

“ I’m teaching them to be healthy. They can’t eat chips every day. They need balance, both in food and in life." He adds, “Children nowadays want to stay inside, glued to their screens. I have to remind them to go outside and make friends."

“One of my daughters loves fashion, but I tell her it’s not just about fashion or fairy tales. I want her to learn how to market herself and build relationships.”

“I buy them books like Rich Dad, Poor Dad and Think Big and give them a time frame to read them.”

As part of his efforts to be an intentional parent, Kennedy relocated the family get closer to his workplace so he could get home early and bond with the children. Additionally, the children go to nearby schools to help them get home early.

“I spoke to my employer, and they were incredibly supportive. They found me a house near my workplace, and it made a world of difference."

Raising children in the age of technology presents its own set of challenges.

Kennedy has had to navigate how much screen time is appropriate for his children, especially when it comes to platforms like YouTube and Netflix.

"I don’t see technology as a threat," he says. "but I monitor it closely. I keep up with their tabs and control what they watch. Weekdays are for schoolwork, and if they’re using the internet, it’s for learning only."

Kennedy’s approach blends traditional values with the realities of modern life.

"YouTube is fine, but I always ask, ‘Is it teaching you something?’ If my daughter says she wants to be a fashion designer, I tell her to watch videos that help her develop that skill, not just cartoons."

Last year, Kennedy lost his wife and is now raising their three children alone. He has found solace in a men's program at his church, Christ Is the Answer Ministries (CITAM), which helped him redefine his role as a father and a man.

“I learned that being a real man means taking initiative, living responsibly, and leading sacrificially," he explains. "It’s not just about providing financially; it’s about being there for your family in every way."

His message to other fathers is simple: be present.

“No parent is perfect, but the most important thing is to be involved in your children's lives," he says. "You never stop being a parent until you leave this world. Even if you miss certain stages, make sure you're there for the next ones."

Show them love

From the moment she learned she was expecting her first child at the age of 20, Mary Thairu understood the profound responsibility that lay ahead.

“I was so excited that, for the first time, I would be called a mum. I remember thinking, 'What kind of child will this child be?”

She hoped for a son, wanting a big brother for her children, something she had always admired in others.

“God gave me a son, a very handsome boy. I looked at him and said, 'Wow, this is it. Now I'm not alone; I felt my family was complete.”

Mary made sacrifices early on, such as postponing her studies to stay home and watch her firstborn take his first steps, speak his first words, and grow before she went to college.

“It was hard to think of leaving him with someone else, even though the father was busy establishing his career.”

When she finally joined Teachers Training College (TTC), Mary made frequent visits home to stay close to her son.

“Whenever we closed school, I would take the first bus to come and see my child. When I finished college, it was the happiest time of my life because I could join my family and be together,” she adds.

During that season of her life, she watched as her child bonded with other family members in her absence. She vowed never to let her career separate her from her children again.

“Even when I was employed as a teacher, I tried to get a school near home so that at lunchtime I could rush home, bathe my children, and check on them. I wouldn’t let a nanny bathe them until they could talk."

This ensured she was deeply involved in their early years, which, she believes, made a significant difference in their growth and self-confidence.

“It's not even what you tell or do to the child; let the child perceive love in your heart and your spirit. Let them know you always side with them."

Mary’s goal was always to instil confidence in her children, teaching them that they had a support system at home, even if they made mistakes.

In her family, discipline was handled thoughtfully and privately.

“Before scolding the children, especially in front of others, I would defend them. When we got home, we would sit down and discuss what went wrong."

She believes this approach allowed her children to grow up with the confidence to face life’s challenges.

She emphasizes the importance of both parents being present in a child’s life.

Throughout her children’s upbringing, she made sure to focus on their unique strengths and challenges, never comparing them.

"Every child is different, with different temperaments and outlooks. Don’t compare them. Don’t talk ill of your spouse in front of the children, as they will not know who to side with."

Looking back, Mary feels immense pride in her four children's success, both in their personal and professional lives.

“Today, all of them are married with good jobs. When you do your best as a parent, a time comes when you can relax and say it was worth it.”

Her advice to parents, especially younger ones, is simple: "Love your children, encourage them, and teach them the word of God. As they grow, they will become your friends, and you’ll find joy in watching them make the right choices."

Be an intentional parent

Ms Teresa Watetu, a psychologist, notes the need for parents to build skills that equip them to be intentional as they raise children.

“Parenting doesn’t come with a manual. It requires emotional, psychological, social, and spiritual skills."

The first step in nurturing these skills is to evaluate past traumas that a parent may have experienced.

"How a child comes into this world can also deeply influence how a parent relates to them. For instance, if a child is born out of a traumatic situation, the parent must consciously decide how to love and be present for that child. Children in the womb can sense whether they are wanted or not. A father’s presence during pregnancy can foster a deep bond that lasts a lifetime."

Teresa highlights the significance of emotional and psychological presence.

“Being emotionally available allows your children to develop into physically fit individuals. For example, when a mother breastfeeds, she is actively communicating love and security. This bond must extend to fathers as well."

She warns of the long-term effects of a father’s absence, especially in the lives of daughters, saying it can severely impact a daughter's self-confidence and lead to childhood trauma.

“These children often seek father figures in older men, craving protection, affection, attention, and reassurance."

The psychological aspect of parenting is equally crucial.

"When a child calls out for you and you ignore them, you are inadvertently harming their brain development," Teresa warns. "Being in the same house but glued to your phone does not equate to being present. It’s vital to be emotionally and psychologically attuned to your child’s needs."

Socially, Teresa advises parents to be proud of their children and to create a sense of belonging.

"Are you willing to take your child out and introduce them to others? They need to feel proud of who they are and where they come from," she says.

She also underscores the importance of spiritual guidance. "Mothers often play a larger role in spiritual matters, but fathers should also be present," Teresa advises.

"It all begins during pregnancy, and every moment counts. When you miss one aspect of your child's life, you'll have to work extra hard to compensate."

And adds, "Be intentional, even when life gets busy. Listen to your child; if you don’t, they’ll feel unappreciated and neglected. Involve them in family decisions, like moving to a new place. Explain how these changes will affect them emotionally and socially, and reassure them that you’ll be there to support them."

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