Who’s your mother-in-law?

Writing in a research paper on what ails the relationship between women and their daughters- in- law, Professor Sylvia Mikuck of Illinois State University asserted that the bigger problem lay with the daughters-in-law.

Your mother-in-law won’t change for you. She is the way she is because that is how she has been even before you came onto the scene,” she writes. Her argument is that the bigger duty of cementing the relationship is the younger woman’s. “If she (the daughter-in-law) knows how to handle her (the elder woman) there would be relative peace

“The peace a good relationship brings to your life is worth the effort,” she writes in “A Theoretical Typology of Mothers-in-Law”.
A.D Mariano, writing in associatedcontent.com, says any woman with a good relationship with her mother-in-law either has a gift of conflict resolution or has been blessed with a gem of a mother-in-law.

Nearer home, Dr Margaret Mwenje, a counselling psychologist and lecturer at Kenyatta University, says the “courage and wisdom” to know what you cannot change in your mother-in-law is easily “one of the greatest strengths in a married woman.”

Yet, mothers-in-law tales aren’t a women’s-only affair. Men, too, have tales of their experiences with their mothers-in-law, but Truphena Wakaba, a counsellor at East Africa Utalii Institute says the “degree of heartache and torment” is more on women and quite subtle on men –all because of their personalities.

Watching the on- going saga in the news between, the late marathoner Samuel Wanjiru’s widow, Trizah Njeri and her mother-in-law, Hannah Wanjiru, and the debate it has elicited among Kenyans, moreso women, we decided to look at the different personalities of mothers-in-law around. Do you recognize yours below?

The auditor

She keeps stock of everything you do as a person or couple and apparently it is all wrong. She’s is out to criticise and poke holes in anything and everything you do. She has ready alternatives on how you should have done things.

She doesn’t necessarily hate you but she rarely trusts your capacity to make good decisions. She will question your style of bringing up her grandchildren, the poor diet you feed, “a man”(your husband), the way you expose your kids to cold, or the general way you maintain your home, even how you treat your househelps.

Dr Mwenje says this mother-in-law is a perfectionist and will come with a “ things to-do list” and impose her own standards on you.

“She has an Obsessive Compulsive personality and is analytical of all you do. She wants you to dance to her tune failure to which your relationship with her takes a not-so-pleasant turn,” says Dr Mwenje.

Possible mitigation: Be polite always. Let her know you respect her opinion but you like doing certain things in a certain way. Create personal boundaries as soon as you marry her son,” advises the psychologist.

The invalid
She is ever “sick” and not necessarily health-wise. She has a pot-full of problems for you to sort out, one after another. It never occurs to her that you may not have the money, at least not for her urgent needs.

She invokes the “my daughter” or “my son” line so that you feel guilty that you are unable to help your mother, yet you are the only person she can turn to. She creates crises, which must be solved by you on her own terms.

On physical illness, she is ever unwell yet the doctor is yet to diagnose what exactly ails her; there is medicine to buy and clinics to attend so more often than not, she is in your home for months in a year. As an ageing person, some of the sicknesses are not treatable with medicine, but somehow she has to see a physician. All this is supposed to be bankrolled by her children, and that is you and your husband.

Remedy: Show compassion on every problem but when you feel no third party is needed to sort it out, advise her on what to do. Let her know your finances get exhausted (especially if you are yet to recover from an earlier expenditure on her) and would she mind trying another relative?

The bat

Back in school, we were taught of the only flying mammal—The bat. We could not classify it as either an animal or a bird. Some mothers-in-law send mixed signals in everything they do to you.

They are never clear on what they want from you and you don’t know whether they love or hate you.They are like the legendary watermelons (with different shades) and Prof Mikuck calls them the ambivalent type. They appreciate their son is an adult who can do his own things but they just won’t let him go.

Their perception on their sons oscillates between seeing him as her son and a child.  She does not avoid communication with the daughter-in-law but never initiates it. She never talks to you or about you. She does not oppose her daughter-in-law’s involvement in family affairs but does go out of her way to get her involved. For her, you might as well not be there. In short, you do not exist in her world as you have no input in her life.

The Competitor

This is the ‘manyanga’ mother in-law. Not very old and thinks she is better than you in everything.

She’s almost like co-wife except that there’s no physical intimacy with her son..and to many daughters-in-law, this is the worst type.

She wants her house, clothes, electronics or furniture, to be like yours if not better and more expensive.Haven’t you seen some elderly women with very fancy hairstyles, or driving cars associated with the younger, modern woman? She is a copycat, according to Miss Wakaba.

She wants to hog all the limelight on anything good happening in the family. Author Mariano calls her the Upper-one—Everything she has or does is supposed to be better than yours.This competitiveness may trickle down to the attention she wants the son to accord her. This, of course, will open another front of strain between you.  She is normally well-off and can finance her own indulgences just to beat you to something.

Possible Remedy: Ignore her excesses and concentrate on your family.

The Fridge

This one is almost like the bat. The major difference is that she is very cold towards you and shows it openly. Writing in “The Nightmare Mother-in-Law: A Daughter-In-Law’s Guide, A.D Mariano calls her the “cold cookie” and Prof Mikuck terms her as aloof.

She has closed communication with you. She is indifferent and doesn’t bother about what is happening in your household. She may have several daughters-in-law so you aren’t anyone special. And worse, she may openly show her preference for another daughter-in-law.

We all saw Wanjiru’s mother going as far as to parade another woman whom she claimed was the one she preferred. This is the type of mother-in-law who will continue to entertain her son’s ex –girlfriends even when he’s married.

She has no time for chats with you and everything is formal with her. She only consults the son and your opinion is never needed.
This coldness may sometimes originate from a poor connection or being very close with her son even before he got married in which case she will see you as an intruder.

Possible Remedy: Find time when she looks like she is in the mood, bake a cake for her or buy her fruits then take these to her home and try and just chat with her. It may not be easy at first but after a while, she will start to realise that you are not as bad as she thinks.

The historian

This one dwells on the past and the future. While it is more about the gloomy past, and your uncertain future, she will highlight what she believes are your current deficiencies.

She derives pleasure from misfortunes, more so, if she had reservations about a particular issue. She often invokes, the “I knew it would happen”, “I told you”, “If only they had listened to me”, “I saw it coming” line. By this, she wants to trap you so that in future, you take her counsel without questions.

After all, failure to take it has already shown disastrous consequences.She often predicts doom on what you want to do. “It can’t last for three years”, she will say of something you tell you are pursuing.

Possible remedy: Accept your mistakes but ensure you tell her to let bygones be bygones and that the present and the future are more important than the past.

The governor.

She is the most dreaded by daughters-in-law. She is a control freak, authoritative, insensitive, and domineering and wants to micromanage your household.Miss Wakaba says this one is the type who wants to be involved in everything and if you do not involve her, she goes out of her way to sabotage whatever it is you are doing.

She does not necessarily hate you, but may have thought from day one that you were not the right woman for her son.

To her, you have no mind of your own and if she hasn’t touched something, it can’t work in the family. She wants to approve her son’s choice of wife, take control of the wedding, the honeymoon and if possible even pay for it. “She draws out any iota of independence from the couple,” says Wakaba.

Dr Mwenje says this woman’s controlling personality is very stressful in her child’s marriage. “Her approach is either “her way or no way”, she says.She gives advice even on subjects where she has the remotest understanding. She never requests things, but demands for them, incessantly.

She is jealous and treats you as an intruder into her family system.

This includes sharing of resources and attention from “her child”. This usually happens where the mother-in-law is a single parent who has had great influence in her children’s lives.

Possible remedy: Dr Mwenje counsels, “ Avoid opening any avenues for advice or suggestions, because they will come gushing like a broken water dyke even when you don’t need them.” Never face her off as it will only aggravate an already bad situation.

The drama queen

Most people think it is only the young, dating girl who can be a drama queen. Wait until you meet this breed of mother-in-law. She is the ultimate attention seeker.

Dr Mwenje says she is self- centred, wants favours from everyone and feels she does not owe anyone anything including respect.

She wants to attract attention and admiration all the time. If this is not forthcoming, she will create a scene so that heads can turn…to her.

She is the type that ululates loudest in a function or wears fancy head gear (the Orie Rogo-Manduli types) or clothing so that she can stand out.“She does not entertain criticism and takes it personally when you do criticise,” says Dr Mwenje. She will insist that things are done her way and can be quite embarrassing both in public or private.

Possible remedy: Do not criticise her regardless of how the drama comes out. Avoid giving her audience and keep yourself busy to avoid creating a stage for her drama.

The grenade

Like a bomb, this one is explosive in nature. She is almost like the dram queen but her actions are emotional especially when provoked.

Mwenje says she always seems to have some pent-up anger and her outbursts care little about courtesy or respect.

She is prone to violence and may have bottled up a lot of emotional pain and is just looking for somebody to push the right button for her to explode.

She is prone to displaced aggression where she pours her frustrationsin life on you.
Possible Remedy: Dr Mwenje advises, “Don’t take her actions personally, it has nothing to do with you. Avoid being around her when she is upset but try and be compassionate.

The Embracer

Wakaba calls this one the accommodating mother-in-law, Prof Mikuck, terms her the sweet mother, and Dr Mwenje says she possesses an assertive personality.

She was happy that her wayward son finally got a wife.

To some extent, she is at ease that someone else is taking up the baggage of looking after her son.

She consults you widely and the son is not always consulted over communication between you.

She sees you as a fellow woman and can share with you some information to help you cope with men, as her son is just another man.

Mikuck says this woman has accepted her son’s family so she doesn’t interfere a lot. In fact, if you happen to separate or divorce, she may not cut off communication with you as she always finds fault with the son.

This may work well but there is high risk that the daughter-in-law can take advantage of this relationship and may undermine her own family.Possible Remedy:

Too much familiarity often breeds contempt. Keep a safe distance and concentrate on your own home and only engage her when necessary.