What goes on in the minds of men who go to buy sex?
Most men admitted that the escapades often left them worried about damaging their relationship with their wives.
What you need to know:
- Men who engage in this trade often do so under the cover of darkness.
- Most men admitted the escapades often left them worried about damaging their relationships.
Research published in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections found that the number of men who pay for sex had doubled in a decade.
The authors attributed this rise to "a greater acceptability of commercial sexual contact, increasing use of the internet to advertise sex, higher divorce rates and more sex tourism."
In the African context, the concept of buying intimacy is still shrouded in secrecy, as many consider it morally wrong to solicit or pay for sex. Those who offer sex for money are not spared from this negative view either.
Men who engage in this trade often do so under the cover of darkness, as they are certain to be labeled promiscuous, desperate or weak men who can’t get a woman the conventional way.
Recent happenings, however, where women have been found murdered in short-stay rental houses, suggest that there are a lot more men and women who trade in sex than we care to admit.
Saturday Magazine sounded out several men in a bid to unpack this issue. Many of our interviewees admitted they felt intense guilt and shame about paying for sex.
"I'm not satisfied in my mind. I feel disappointed, and like I have wasted money,” one said.
Another added, “Even after the act, I feel lonely still, and guilty about damaging my relationship with my wife.”
Many of the men gave contradicting views on this hot topic, saying that while they regularly buy or think about buying sex, the escapades often leave them feeling unfulfilled and empty.
They know and understand the risks involved, which include contracting deadly sexually transmitted infections, being caught red-handed by their wives or impregnating the other woman, but still, they continue to visit prostitutes.
Lack of emotional connection
The question, therefore, is, why would a man who is in a committed, long-term relationship buy sex?
Don Okeyo, in his mid-40s, has patronised Sabina Joy for years and bought sex from the 304s (commercial sex workers) who usually mill about this establishment.
“It is far easier for me to go to a brothel than to go to dating sites or try and establish a relationship with someone. Why go through all that when all I want is sex? It is simple and easy. I know and like a few women at the brothel. I usually see them if they are working. After my drink I just have sex, and then go home. No awkwardness or silly demands afterwards. It is fantastic, although nowadays I don’t go to such places as much,” he says.
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Don would go to such places about once a month, and he says he particularly enjoyed the fact that for a small fee, he could get intimate whenever he wanted, and the women also got to earn a living in the process.
“It is a win-win situation. I don’t get why prostitution is considered a taboo yet it’s one of the oldest careers in the world. Sometimes you don’t get to have great experiences. Other times you may not connect with the woman of the night, but when you connect with one, you just find yourself going back to look for her.
“I view it purely as a transaction, like getting a massage or a pedicure, or having somebody clean my house for me. I have no interest in a stable relationship and prefer living alone. I am not confident enough to start throwing pickup lines, and the whole thing of going on dates is exhausting for me.
“I have a few women who know what I like, and I get amazing satisfaction whenever I want it, for a fraction of what all the dates or a marriage would cost. As for attachment, I know they don't really care about me and I honestly don't care about them either, but for the time that we are together as consenting adults, exchanging money for a service, I have no regrets,” explains Don.
Do men really feel guilty after buying sex? Well, “Maybe the Christian or religious upbringing that can gnaw at some people's guilty conscience. But by the time people buy sex, they have made peace with the nature of it,” writes Silas Nyachwani in his bestselling book, 50 Memos To Men.
Mark Ndocha, 39, sometimes thinks about going to brothels, but he worries that buying sex will change something in him that he doesn’t want to change.
“I haven't had sex in a few years and haven't been in a relationship in over a decade now, and the emotional connection is what I need. It is difficult for me to establish this with a prostitute,” he shares.
Mark reveals that the series of hookups and one-night stands he engaged in while he was in his 20s made him feel dejected and empty.
“Sex isn’t that good when you don't know each other,” he opines.
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Tony Ikolo, 32, shares the same sentiments as Mark when he recalls an encounter with a sex worker in a seedy bar in Nairobi downtown.
“I was so lonely and desperate. I didn't actually go through with having sex, she could tell how nervous I was. In the end we just cuddled and now, looking back, I realise I just needed the warmth of a woman, and someone to just listen to me,” he says.
The money aspect notwithstanding, purchasing intimacy is often not a two-way street in terms of shared feelings. Tony wanted to feel wanted, and this made the experience even more underwhelming for him.
“She didn’t even want to be there. I could tell. And I could never trust that she would actually enjoy herself. Sex for me is also about pleasuring the other person. The whole point of intimacy is the mutual desire and consent. You want to be given consent, it should not be sold to you. Would you also buy a mother's love? A hug from a grandparent? Some things you can't actually buy. When you pay for sex you're not buying sex, you're buying a service in the form of physical touch at the expense of another person's dignity. That’s my opinion,” he concludes.
Joe, as an IT specialist, is often on the road, air or train track to different towns for work, and admits to buying sex for the last four years of his seven-year marriage.
“After long stressful hours on the job, I just want to unwind with a woman in a new town, without the hassle of getting her in and out of my hotel room. I began doing this when my wife was pregnant (with their now four -old daughter) and we weren’t intimate for months, and became hooked,” he says.
Mike Munene, who runs a couple of downtown stalls selling mobile phones, blames ‘cold wives’ for driving men to prostitutes.
“You get a wife with a terrible attitude and explosive anger all the time,” Munene says ruefully. “Some even deny you sex and look at you like a dog whenever you don’t have money. In such situations, it is better to go to a lodging or a strip club. A woman might call you ‘sweetie,’ even if she doesn’t mean it, and it’ll feel nice.”
Even more honest is Ahmed Babu, a 52-year old businessman now married for three years to a woman half his age whom he can’t satisfy.
“I have no choice but to go to a prostitute,” he joked in a WhatsApp group full of his age mates.
Luke Safari, a travel agent, believes that a lot of men who buy sex, married or not, do so because they lack the confidence to approach women.
“A man has to charm and seduce a woman,” Safari says. “Make her laugh before you make love to her. That is not something every man can do. Also, there are men out there with personalities that only a prostitute can stand,” he says.
Arnold Abuje, a married man and accountant at a bank in Nairobi, doesn’t shy away from discussing his love for women of the night.
“Once in a while, when I go to Dubai, I also get exotic call girls for 300 dollars.”
He worked in the US, came back home three years ago and married a conservative Kenyan woman.
“Sex with her is only for procreation, that’s how she views it and I accepted it. We have five children and I am okay with that. I just use the escorts for fun,” Arnold says.
Davis Karani is unapologetic about his choices. He has been married for nine years and has no regrets about frequently visiting prostitutes.
“Don’t get it twisted, I love my wife. However, she doesn’t match my sex drive and doesn’t fully understand my desires. Some of the things I like are distasteful to her.
“I don’t buy sex, I just compensate the woman for having to be intimate with me. And yes, my wife is more beautiful than some of the women I buy sex from, but it is never about looks but the fantasy and satisfaction of the sexual experience,” he says and adds, “Buying sex is very convenient. No fuss or drama. You get to live out a fantasy with no strings attached. The only downside is the cost. It can be expensive.”
Peter Githiji, a 30-year-old taxi driver, finds it strange that buying a woman meals and entertainment in exchange for sex is okay but going straight to the point by securing the services of a lady of the night is considered taboo.
“If only everyone was expected to be so selflessly charitable, to give without expecting anything in return…Are you telling me it is bad for a man to purchase intimacy but better for him to lie that he loves a woman yet his intention is just to sleep with her?”
From the expert
Sex and relationship therapist, Maurice Matheka says sex is a natural, physical urge that needs to be sated, just like a hankering for food when famished. However, he quickly adds that the urge can be controlled.
Matheka notes that after the pleasure of sex has faded and the reality sets in, both men and women involved in the act may experience feelings of guilt and regret.
“Sex doesn't need an emotional connection. What we call love is simply an influx and influence of chemicals in our bodies. Love is very useless when it comes to sex, especially for men. It is useful in that it informs how you can attach yourself or how you feel about a particular person, but one doesn’t need to love the other to have sex, and that is why sex trade might never end,” he says.
According to the therapist, people mix emotional attachment with sex, which only leads to disappointment. “People end up marrying individuals they are not sexually compatible with, then end up having problems in that department of their lives. It is all because they believe that once you like or love someone, the sex will automatically be amazing. It might not,” he says.
