Relationships: He pursues you, then panics and pulls away. Find out Why

While there are no hard statistics, going by how busy the wedding industry has been in 2020 amidst the Covid-19 pandemic, it is safe to conclude that a fair number of Kenyan men do want a committed, fulfilling loving relationship.

When a man walks away from a seemingly perfect relationship, the common assumption is that he is a commitment-phobe. When you speak to a few men, however, you find out that this isn’t true.

“If a woman comes on too strong before I am ready for it instead of reciprocating I find myself withdrawing both emotionally and physically,” says Jackton Yaga, a Nairobi journalist.

According to this 32-year-old, a woman becoming too intense too soon can push away a man who would have otherwise committed to the relationship. After some thought, he concludes that men sometimes do not have the emotional skills to handle a lot of emotion being directed at them at once.

The money

They say that men marry at the right time while women marry when they find the right person. That a man will be in love with you but stall on commitment until he feels he has become accomplished.

Dennis Maina, 30, agrees. “Even if a woman can adequately care for herself, I need to be able to care for her as a man. I will thus not commit to her if I’m unsure about my financial future. This is why I am still unmarried,” he chuckles.

The societal expectations of men as the sole providers may have changed along with the gender roles but clearly, the Kenyan man still needs to feel needed.

Being sure

Every so often, a woman will date a man for months or years but when she begins asking where the relationship is headed, he will begin withdrawing from her or vanish altogether. This can be bewildering to a woman and more often than not it will be blamed on commitment phobia.

“I expect a relationship to naturally progress to the next step and I also expect my woman to give me time to figure out if she can be my happy ever after,” says Steve Machuka, 29.

In his view, a woman insisting that he meets her family only weeks into a relationship is like laying a trap for him. If he feels like you are pushing him for commitment, he is likely to flee.

These men give valid reasons a man will stall on a commitment. Still, even when everything else has fallen into place, there are men who just won’t commit because they have a deep fear of commitment for various reasons. How then can a woman know whether the stall in commitment is because of something that is not right in the relationship or whether the man is just afraid of commitment and he just may never commit?

Quiz: How to spot the commitment-phobic man

Most women have met him. The man who pursues her persistently at the onset, treats her right and calls when he says that he will but once you are in love with him and the relationship seems like it is in a good place, it stops progressing. This man simply will not commit.

Take this test to determine if your love interest is a tortured soul who is unable to commit or if he is just cautious. For each of the questions choose the answer that best describes your man and how he reacts to feelings and situations.

Scoring guide

1. Strongly agree - 4  
2.  Agree- 3  
3. Disagree – 2 
4. Strongly Disagree - 1

1. He is past the normal marrying age but he has never been married. When you ask he says he hasn’t yet met the one or that he still has time.

2. When you met him, he moved in on you fast. He was charming and won you over quickly.

3.  It has been a while now but this relationship has no signs of deepening. He seems content with just dating you but the couples who met the same time as you have taken several steps forward, they are moving in together and having babies.

4. You feel needy and desperate in that relationship and you also feel as if he treats you as a mistress rather than the girlfriend.

5. When you look at his relationship history, you notice that he has always been attracted to women who were much younger, older, married or those leading extremely busy lives.

6. He is unpredictable. No matter how much time you spend together, you can never really know what he is thinking or planning.

7. Big conversations about the future or about friends’ relationships which are advancing are conversation stoppers with him.

8. He holds a job or a lifestyle that makes it impossible for him to commit. He moves every few months or is always on the road.

9. Your man talks badly in regard to men who are married or taking care of children.

10. He has cheated on you repeatedly and also has a history of cheating in his past.

How you scored

0-10 - Your relationship with this man appears to be a normal, progressive relationship.

11-20 - He does not have commitment issues. He may have been in a tad too many relationships but this has nothing to do with him being unable to commit.

21-30 – This man may not be a severe commitment phobic but he definitely has commitment issues. This man is a bit cautious but his reservations can be worked through over time.

31-40 – Your love interest is definitely a commitment phobe suffering from a deep fear of intimacy and he may not even know it. This is a clear sign that there will be tears ahead. This is a sign that you need to re-examine this relationship.