Navigate the office party like a pro

It is the season, once again, for HR managers everywhere to book venues, approve menus and send circulars out to all members of staff.

Yes, it is the season for office parties, the bane of corporate existence.

Prowling the Internet one insomnia-ridden night, I ran into a rather peculiar survey done by an American company (no surprises there) that declared that 40 per cent of employees have acted inappropriately at office parties.

It also stated that bald bosses are more likely than their full-head-of-hair counterparts to grope their subordinates during these ‘dos. And that the most used phrase in such gatherings is “One more!” Sigh.

I am sure that the first person who ever threw an office party imagined it would be a civilised event where the big kahunas from the top floor would finally meet the small guys from the first floor over a meal and a shared bottle of something moderately expensive.

Nobody was supposed to use the boss’s family photo as a coaster. Or use the photocopier as a posterior X-ray machine. Or tell the sulky accountant what they think of him and how he handles their mileage claims. It was never supposed to be this way.

But the wheels came off at some point.

This year, by my projections, the office party is going to be at its roughest. It’s been a hard year. The cost of living has almost doubled and the salaries have stayed put.

Bank loans are literally burying borrowers in debt. And HR has never been more silent about those salary raises, so silent they might as well have moved to Garissa.

There is no cheer any more. And so the end-of-year party is the only event where colleagues will wear brave smiles and hope for better innings next year. It’s also the perfect place to bury this year. So please, let loose. Make your office party memorable. Here is how… or how not to.

Dressing

It’s meant to be an office party, not a red carpet event. Showing a lot of leg (or cleavage, for that matter) at the party is like showing off your voice to a choir – they work with you so they have seen it before. Save it for rainy days.

The boss

The rule books say avoid the boss when you have had a few, because you might just incite an honest conversation. I say, look for the boss when you have had a few.

If he has been a complete pain in the neck, pull him aside, issue a disclaimer thusly: “Please regard this as a conversation between men and nothing else…”

Then tell him how you think your relationship could improve over the next (fiscal) year. And also what you think of his unfashionably short ties.

Office affairs

The new girl in procurement? That’s the boss’s girl. Everybody knows that. Well, everybody except the boss and the procurement girl, who think nobody knows.

That’s the irony of office affairs; the head-in-sand attitude the couple adopts, an unrelenting delusion that they are having this tremendously secret affair under the very noses of you fools.

Although there is always open camaraderie during these events, try and avoid getting too familiar in the boss’s turf, no matter how friendly his turf is getting with you, because he won’t forget when the New (fiscal) Year commences.

Accountants

Don’t be fooled by the blasé, noncommittal looks and the broken suits; the true heart of the office party is always the guys from accounts.

I used to work in this place with an accountant who always seemed surly and distracted, and always had a pencil stuck behind his ear.

I never once heard him laugh. He was no fun… until the end-of-year party.

Then he would get very wasted and use his pencil like a spoon, to sip his beer with. Office parties are the perfect places to get to know your accountants and see them as human. And you can take that to the bank.

When to leave

The most important part of the office party is to know when to leave.

Knowing when to put your drink down and ask Paul from Marketing to put his shirt on and stop showing (for the umpteenth time) the receptionist the birthmark on his chest, mostly because she isn’t interested but also because she can’t see the mark under all that hair.

So leave when you still can, while you still have some dignity. And while you still have a job!