It’s time women took the first step in love

When I was younger, I was never really the chick who had a Valentine. But you can be sure I was sending them. And I wasn’t the one who would send to my friends or sijui my mom, no. I was usually targeting the top three hottest boys in class, and then my best friend who I was secretly in love with. I was in a small school, so my class had about seven boys. I liked to cover all my bases. And boy, my Valentines were elaborate. Everyone could usually tell who the Valentine was from because they were so over the top. And – fun fact – I was in a Christian school, so my Valentines would always have Bible verses in them. A la ‘Happy Valentines! Song of Solomon 8:7: Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.’ I had lines.

Sometimes I look back on that girl cutting out paper hearts to stick symmetrically on a bigger heart, and I wonder where that girl went. She was resilient, first of all, because she didn’t get her first Valentine until maybe the last two years of primary school, ha! (Shout out to BA and KA) She wasn’t scared of being told no, or admitting her love or like for someone. If she liked you, she liked you, and she didn’t care who knew. She was even doing art projects with you in mind.

Dating is a mess. It can be and it will be, if the Tinder Swindler is anything to go by. It can be scary and fraught with bad intentions and weirdos. We know this. That being said, humans want companionship. It’s a fact. And the closer days like Valentines get, the more it gets me thinking about what women can do to fix current no-cuddles situation. Is it time for us to go back to the lessons of our youth, when we were carefree and not so jaded that making the first move looked like submission or a losing move in a power play?

I’m not saying go back to the Bible verses part, on my part, unless you’re into it (the Bible has some great poetry). I’m saying the putting yourself out there part. And this is the problem with patriarchy in itself – it hurts us all, especially when we’re trying to get in the bedroom! Men have been lied to about what constitutes a ‘prize’ in a woman. You know that lie we’ve been fed: men enjoy the chase. And for sure, some men do. But how about the men who are shy, or the men who are trying to be respectful to the point of crippling potential romance? What about the women who are not willing to wait to be approached? I do know men who are perfectly fine with being bought a drink at a bar. It might not be an everyday thing, but it shows spunk, no? Surely there’s a brand of male out there who likes being…I don’t know…wooed?

I can already see men rolling their eyes and women clutching their pearls at the thought of reversing the age-old courtship game. But in the same way that it is age old, it is getting old to have to keep waiting for love. How about we go out and grab it? I don’t know about you, but that ‘Where is your boyfriend’ song adds a verse on every year and we’re still here!

Oloni, a sex positive influence in the UK, does this thing often where she tells you to text someone in your life something. Sometimes it is ‘text your current partner that you love them and screenshot and share the response.’ Sometimes it’s a little more amusingly off-colour. And sometimes, it’s ‘text your crush and ask them on a date, and see what they say.’ If you’re reading this and you have a crush, and Valentines is coming…text them. Literally take matters into your own hands…in a different way from what you’ve been doing before…

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