I trusted my wife, but she cheated when I went abroad for work

I have been married for five years and we are blessed with one child (3½years). We have struggled with my wife in bad and good times. I trusted and loved her so dearly and so did she. Our financial status was bad and we agreed I get a job outside the country to better ourselves. It was rumoured that my wife was cheating on me but I didn’t take it seriously for I trusted her. The same persisted until I decided to do my due diligence. I tracked her phone and established some conversation with a man whom it seemed they had gone far. I asked her and showed her the evidence and she honestly opened up to me that indeed she had an affair with the man but she feels remorseful. I love her and my child but I feel betrayed and no longer think that I can have intimate feelings with her again. Please help me on how to deal with this.

READER’S ADVICE

What kind of evidence did you find? Again how remorseful was she? Give her time as you sit on the sidelines and watch if indeed she has changed for the better. You will also realise that as the clock ticks by, your intimate feelings may grow back.

Gilbert Yator

Infidelity hurts and sinks deep and despite an apology the bitterness lingers for a long time. Your wife has graciously apologised. That might be the easy option if only done verbally. Your acceptance of her apology though should be hinged on her acceptance to give full disclosure of the affair; is she ready to be shamed in front of her peers, her family and her in-laws over this misstep? If she answers these questions in the positive then sir, you must forgive her.

Drive Counseling Centre- Kitengela 

She only owned up after you showed the evidence, who knows what else has been going on behind your back? Follow your gut and move on but provide for your child. Once lost, trust is like virginity, you can’t regain it.  

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

It is so unfortunate that you went to search for greener pastures just to be betrayed by the one you love. However, you need to handle this occurrence with special consideration. Though it is true you went to work in order to take care of them, you may have left a vacuum for what led to that infidelity. She is human and there are needs which can't be satisfied with money. As much as you are pointing an accusing finger at her, you need to look on the other side of the coin too. I advise you to forgive her and you will heal and re-ignite the intimacy again.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

EXPERT’S TAKE

The only person who can decide what your future with your wife looks like is you. Not to excuse her betrayal but as they say human is to error and whether we like it or not we all have skeletons in our closets. It would be good for you to ask yourself if it were you she caught would you want her to forgive you or leave you? That said, if you feel you can no longer love her and trust her then you should leave the union. The other thing you should not do is forgive her only to reference her deed whenever you are unhappy with her. In short, do not opt to forgive to punish her for the foreseeable future. That will only breed negative energy which fuels a toxic marriage. 

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Hello, I have been married for five years now and blessed with two boys aged five and one. Together with my wife, we have managed to acquire three plots within Nakuru and by God’s Grace, we have put up a family house within these plots. After the construction, my wife moved there for three weeks and started complaining that the place isn't habitable and she decided to leave and rent a house. As a man, I opted not to follow her but remained in the family house where I’m left to wash my clothes, cook and maintain the house. For the last year, I haven't slept with my wife and now am tired of this type of life and am contemplating legal separation. kindly advise on what I should do. Peter

Have a relationship dilemma? Email us at [email protected]