How to pick a marriage partner

After twelve years of marriage and with two children in tow, Jackline called it a day. She walked out of the marriage and proceeded to court to file for divorce.

“I could no longer pretend. I had no feelings for the guy. We were quarrelling each day and it was unnecessary stress,” she explained when she visited the sexology clinic. She had come to consult on how best to start a new relationship to avoid the mistakes of the yesteryears.

Jackline had gotten married to John, her ex-husband, as a 19-year-old teenager. She had been attracted to his tall, muscular build and had gotten married to him within six months of meeting him.

But the marriage turned out to be hell on earth. There was no emotional connection. Intellectually they were worlds apart. Their social beliefs were completely different. John also had no respect for women. He treated them like trash and considered them to be sex objects. Occasionally he turned violent, using his physical might to silence her. He had multiple sexual partners and once infected Jackline with syphilis. He was addicted to alcohol and had no idea what investing was about.

“I need to be guided on selecting an appropriate partner, so that I don’t repeat the mistakes of the past,” Jackline implored.

It is important to note that the attraction to tall and well-built men is evolutionary. Historically, people depended on hunting skills to get food. Tall men could see far and could run fast, making long strides to catch their prey. Physical strength was of utmost importance in the search for food. Women were dependent on men to get food since most of the time they were grounded by pregnancy and childcare.

Although those days are far gone, the instinct to go for tall and built men still reigns in a few women. For most women however, intellectual competence is now more attractive than physical features. Further, women value men who are able to navigate the current complex socio-economic systems and rise up the social ladder. They also cherish men that they can connect with intellectually and emotionally; and those who respect them, appreciate their beauty, and are able to express love.  In fact, unlike in the medieval times, recent studies show that there is no difference in mate attraction between the tall and muscular men compared to the average ones.

“So in your opinion what is the one thing I must look for in a prospective husband?” Jackline asked looking confused, “You mean physical attraction is not important?”

Well, scientifically physical attraction has been found to play a minor role in mate selection. In one study, men considered to be handsome by the  conventional definition were dressed in labourer attire giving them the image of casual unskilled labourers, while average-looking men were dressed to appear like high-profile intellectuals or wealthy entrepreneurs.

Women were asked to select a possible mate from the range. None selected the handsome unskilled workers. This shows that there has been social transformation in the way we define a handsome mate.

It is the intellectual professional or rich entrepreneur that women want. Beyond that, the man has to be lovable, show respect and a caring attitude and be kind to the woman and her children. If he is physically attractive, that is just a bonus, not the key determinant.

Of course, being able to connect emotionally could be the most important of all factors that enhance intimacy. Emotional connection is however only discovered much later after the first attraction, normally an appearance that tells a story about a man’s intellectual capacity and wealth status and a number of breakups happen when the lady learns during courtship that there is no emotional connection. 

“So what you are saying is that I will be attracted to a man who looks modern, intellectually competent and wealthy then we will spend time exploring our ability to connect emotionally?” Jackline asked thoughtfully.

Yes, that was a very accurate summary which also shows the importance of courtship. The appearance of a person is the hardware and is what first attracts a partner. But it does not stop there. In fact most women would not even have sex with a man until they discover what matters most: the software that the man is made of: his respect for women; his ability to love and care for a woman and her children; and, most of all his emotional, psychological and intellectual competence.