Finding love after loss

Grief knows no bounds. It is an invisible but relentless, cruel force that seeps into the cracks of souls without invitation and with no reservations. But, most times, beyond the sorrow and pain lies a stirring tale of rebirth.

Once a woman breaks free of the suffocating yolk of grief, the darkness lifts and then begins a new chapter of courage and second chances.

In today’s world, love is often considered a one-time affair, where you have only one chance to get it right.

But, these courageous women are rewriting the script and defying stereotypes as they embark on a remarkable journey of finding love again.

Theirs is a story of rising from great loss and forging joyous unions.

For Dianah Kamande, loving again did not come as easy as ABC. It took her – not days or months – but years. Many years.

"I was widowed in April 2013. My late husband took away his life after his attempt to kill me and our daughters failed. He turned a knife on himself and pierced his stomach, thereby emptying his small intestines," she says.

The circumstances of her husband’s death aside, Dianah says that it is an understatement to say that life was tough after she was widowed. Not only was she left to grapple with the physical wounds inflicted on her, but she also had to deal with deep-seated emotional scars.

Also read: How life changed when our husbands died

As if the pain coursing through her body was not enough, Dianah found herself confronted with several questions from her children, whose incessant, innocent inquiries pierced her heart.

Their fragile hearts bore the weight of trauma, and their state of confusion mirrored her own. As if that was not enough, misery visited her shortly after her husband’s passing, and Dianah lost her job.

"I had to face stigma from society and accusations that I had killed my husband. I lost property. I endured harsh words from those close to me, and the pain of seeing my children get rejected simply because they were my daughters," she says.

“The most painful words I remember being told are, ‘Your children are girls, na wasichana ni malaya tu. Mtaolewa nyote.’ (You have daughters, and girls are just prostitutes, so you will all be married off). And with that, we got disowned and lost all our property. Some of our in-laws turned against us, which was really tough.” 

Priscilla Wangeshi's story is similar to Diana’s. Her life turned upside down after her husband died on December 10, 2015, a day she vividly remembers.

Having shared wonderful moments with her late husband, Priscilla admits that the sudden death of her husband shook her to the core.

Sadly, even before plans for his burial began, her in-laws stormed her home and took away their property.

"My son and I were left with only our clothes," she says.

Priscilla felt betrayed by the people she had once called her in-laws and was forced to go back to her parent's home. From there, she resolved to stand firm to avoid losing more of the property she co-owned with her late husband.

She was also abused and accused of killing her husband, and Priscilla says that her in-laws’ words dripped with venom, their actions piercing her soul.

"On the day of the post-mortem, I was guarded by policemen throughout the process, just in case the results show he died of food poisoning," she reveals. The report showed that her husband died of a heart attack and pneumonia. And Priscilla was off the hook.

Also read: After death of spouse, it’s never too early to remarry

Despite the odds stacked high against them, this duo rose like phoenixes. After three and eight years respectively, Priscilla and Dianah found love again.

Healing and moving on

The two women took their time before getting into relationships, but when they did, they were still criticised for moving on too quickly. In most societies, widows are viewed in a negative light.

"The worst my ears heard was being called a husband snatcher. I even found out someone had made a whole post about me on social media, yet I didn't even know the man who had been mentioned," Dianah reveals.

However, she decided to wear her crown and adjust it on her own terms, so much so that when she started dating, she had new standards and strict boundaries.

She was so protective of her children and wanted someone who would love her together with her children. After she found her match, settling down was not a challenge since she and her husband agreed on many things.

Thankfully, Priscilla’s new in-laws were warm and welcoming and shielded her from other relatives who were against her second marriage.

Having learnt a painful lesson from her previous marriage, Priscilla trod carefully and requested her husband, who had also been widowed, to make their relationship official and legal.

"I walked down the aisle on March 6, 2023," she says, happiness written all over her face.

Priscilla and Dianah note that life is now sweet and that they talk openly with their husbands about everything and anything.

From a counsellor

Grace Kariuki, a marriage counsellor and family therapist at Harbour Counselling and Consulting in Nairobi, strongly emphasises the importance of understanding the universality of grief.

She says grief is not bound by factors such as age or gender, and it manifests differently in individuals and even children.

"You will find them (children) crying a lot, refusing to do things, becoming defiant, being loners, fighting other children, running away from home or school, and doing things they are not supposed to. As a parent or guardian, you will punish the behaviour, not knowing they are acting out about something going on inside them that they cannot express."

Ms Kariuki says that in divorced or single-parent households, the grieving process might stay the same, but the intensity can vary greatly.

While the divorced man or woman might not feel the impact of loss as much because he or she has moved on, the children involved will bear the weight depending on how messy or amicable the divorce or separation was.

“If the dad was absent and he dies, the children would mourn him and also confront the fact that they did not know him and never will. If the father is absent then the mother passes on, the children will often have a honeymoon period because the dad will be present during the burial preparations, but how long the bliss will last will depend on whether the father will stay after the funeral, or disappear afterwards.

"If he vanishes again after the burial, the children will have to face double grief, especially if he fails to take up responsibility for them."

Also read: Where becoming a widow is the worst thing that can happen to you

In circumstances where an absent father must re-enter his children's lives due to the mother's death, Ms Kariuki advises that this should be done carefully and gradually, especially if the father has remarried.

"Transferring the child to another home without first establishing a relationship will leave more scars on the young ones because they will be forced to go through the grieving process, while at the same time adjusting to a new environment," she expounds.

However, Ms Kariuki opines that if possible, the child should be allowed to stay in a familiar environment, and then be supported to transition to the new family gradually.

Remarrying after death

While remarrying remains a divisive issue that is mostly discussed only in hushed tones, Ms Kariuki observes that there are still societal expectations regarding how soon one should remarry.

“People tend to harshly judge a woman who is married 'too soon,' and praise the man for the same,” she says,

However, she adds that the question is not how soon a widow should remarry, but rather, whether the widow(er) has gone through the entire grieving process.

"After the death of your spouse, there will be a lot of shock, depending on how the death happened, and at which developmental stage the family was at the time of the death. For example, were they raising young children or were they older parents?" she explains.

According to Ms Kariuki, a woman with young children is likely to have a more torturous grieving process. She will not only be angry at herself, but also with her late husband, with God, and at the world.

“She will wonder how come the world is going on with life as if nothing happened, yet she is hurting. She will be at a loss for what to do. Imagine a woman who loses her husband who was the breadwinner. That is another experience altogether. She has not just lost her husband, but the symbol of emotional, psychological and physical safety, and the hope of the family. She has also lost the dreams they had together and her life partner."

Ms Kariuki adds that the experience is quite different from when a man loses his wife. In some cases, a man may marry again within a year or even a shorter period. This is because that widower has lost a helper. If he has children, he is likely to remarry faster so that he can get help with raising them.

"To him, it is more functional and he might shut down his emotions and only focus on tending to the family, unlike before. It will be just for survival," she adds.

Ms Kariuki says that after the anger of grief has passed, the widow(er) will begin bargaining the death of their spouse. At this stage, they will wonder what they could have done to prevent the death and question themselves a lot. It can be a time of great confusion.

"The widow(er) may even feel that they have been abandoned and could alternate between bargaining, anger and shock. Eventually, as time goes by, they will go into depression and in this phase, they will feel guilty, lonely, hopeless and helpless," she expounds.

Also read: Why it is important to grieve the end of your marriage

However, after some time, they will accept the new normal and start to thrive. In the period preceding acceptance, many will wonder how they can ever have fun again minus their spouse.

“They may even feel as though they are betraying their loved one by moving on. In cases of abusive relationships, Ms Kariuki notes that the grieving process might be even more complicated.

"For instance, if the abuser was financially stable and the spouse stuck through, he or she might develop psychosomatic problems such as headaches, stomach upsets, and ulcers due to the sudden absence of tension at home. Also, the spouse can experience shock and fail to recover. They may become paranoid, and struggle to live a normal life without the abuser.”

Tell-tale signs

While it is okay to remarry, Ms Kariuki highlights the importance of fully navigating the grieving process before venturing into a new relationship.

"What we are seeing a lot is that people are getting married before they have healed, and then transferring emotions, thoughts and expectations to their new relationship.

“Some of the clear indicators that one is not ready to move on include referring to a new partner by the deceased's name by accident, or reacting adversely when they behave differently from the late spouse.

"If you are having a lot of dreams about your departed partner that is because your brain is still trying to process the misfortune. Allow yourself to journal, or even write letters to them expressing how you feel if you do not wish to visit a counsellor," she says.

Mentally, if you find yourself being hypersensitive or withdrawing from social groupings like church, chamas, and get-togethers, to avoid questions of how you are doing, Ms Kariuki cautions that you need to find help.

"If you get angry at polite greetings of how you are doing, then time is not yet ripe for a new relationship," she emphasises, adding that the average timeframe for moving on is about two years. By this time, the individual should have gone through the entire grieving process. 

Disposing of the deceased’s items

Ms Kariuki notes that if the relationship was good, the widow(er) may keep their departed spouse's belongings to feel safe and to serve as a reminder.

“Some do not want to give up their partner's things because they do not feel ready to confront the fact that he or she is not coming back.

If the relationship was a troubled one, the widow(er) might throw away or distribute the items because they are a constant reminder of his or her dark past.

"The grieving process helps one to remember their significant other, and to help them deal with their emotions. For instance, if you had a really good marriage and your partner dies, it will be more difficult to move from mourning straight to celebrating their life. In such moments, the goal is to help them through counselling to remember their loved one according to how they lived, and not how they died.

Also read: I’m a widow seeking to remarry, but in-laws demand I forfeit matrimonial property…

On the other hand, for those who were in abusive marriages, or had partners who were in addictions such as alcoholism, Ms Kariuki notes that remembering how they lived could be a traumatic experience.

“In such cases, the widow(er) should be helped to let their spouses go. The goal is to support the person mourning. For instance, if someone is still mourning the death of their partner or child 10 years later, having a candid conversation about how they feel, and offering reassurances devoid of judgement helps them heal faster.

"Saying things like, ‘you know he or she is in a better place’ doesn’t help those who are grieving move on, they instead make them suppress their emotions."

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