Christmas parties from a single gal’s perspective

Just like the rest of humanity, I partied furiously over the festive season and took every opportunity to commune, wine and feast with family and friends.

Somewhere in the haze of laughter, food and booze, I observed the dynamics between single and married women.

The most glaring observation was that single women are not that welcome at parties that have a high density of married couples.

In fact, most single women invitees to such soirees have to answer the seemingly innocuous question, “Will you be coming with someone?”

This question determines, very early in the day, whether the single lady will be a harmless half of a couple or a dangerous lone ranger.

If the single woman is smart enough to read between the lines, she will stay away – or bring a plus-one to manage expectations.

But then during the holidays it is difficult to summon a plus-one at the drop of a hat since most are otherwise engaged in activities that have nothing to do with keeping up appearances.

Then there those brave, fun-loving singles who decide to venture into the lairs of Christmas family parties.

These parties are the rare occasions where the wives become the commander-in-chief, lording it over all and sundry.

The best caterer is paid handsomely and all the man of the house has to do is burn a few ribs and throw in enough liquor to floor everyone.

To ensure maximum publicity and pecking power, the woman gathers a number of her ‘homies’, namely her chama sisters or her Bible study group.

This band of sisters gather together and sip on their wine served straight from five-litre casks of Namaqua or Overmeer (bottled wine is not a sign of poshness during Christmas).

The dialogue usually revolves around how fabulous family life is, and how great the hubby is (no tales about embarrassing clandes or drunken behaviour are traded at such events).

Any single woman who tries to venture into this group of ladies is reminded that her status makes her a pariah.

When they do not totally ignore you, they talk over you about issues you are not qualified to discuss; dilemmas like when to wean a child or whether to give the hubby a key or wake up to let him into the house when he gets home late at night take precedence.

God help you if you decide to introduce a topic like the art of faking orgasms. You are finished.

A tongue lashing follows you as the women go into psychoanalysis mode and decide that you have deep issues that make you a commitment freak.

Our married sisters, come Christmas, like to remind their single sisters that they are the ‘good girls’ who got the man, the 2.3 children and the picket fence to boot.

The most amusing aspect of the band of wives’ behaviour during the holiday is how they elevate their men to near deity levels.

Maybe it is the need to one-up their sisters that makes them regale everyone with tales of how great and fabulous their men are.

During this time, men are turned into gift-giving saints who have catered for their family’s every need. Maybe this alternate reality is the reason they will not let any single woman present anywhere near their men.

There are unspoken sanctions imposed against fraternising, dancing or even making conversation with the precious hubbies during such parties.

What our married sisters ought to know is that there are numerous other avenues for single women to snatch, bed and even steal their precious husbands.

As nature would have it, the more you cling onto your hubbies, the more you stoke the evil genie in your single sisters who may decide to steal your man just because they can.

Set your men free and chances are no single sister will want them. Plus, we all know that the only way to ensure ultimate fidelity from a man is to cut his member and carry it with you always.

Since that is impossible, quit hating on single sisters, lose the halo of smug self-righteousness and let us all have a good time!