Psst! Forget the myth; men love gossip a lot
Men love gossiping, but they prefer to call them discussions or deliberations.
What you need to know:
- Originally, “gossip” was a noun for a village woman.
- The only bad gossip is the one that is delayed.
- Gossip delayed is gossip denied.
Have you heard? There are three things that will never be answered, questions that have disturbed philosophers and laymen alike, from presidents to peasants: who let the dogs out? What is The Rock cooking and can you smell it?
And perhaps more importantly, what is it about gossip that gets our country purring? Ulisikia what nani said about nani during nini? My God. You have probably been thinking about it but I am here to confirm it: me, I love gossip. Scratch that, men love gossip.
The people who run tabloid newspapers — and who wield more power and command real authority — are the men. But my mother taught me not to speak with food in my mouth. I mean, men would start a podcast to nourish the Hot Take Economy; privileged men who mistake their depression for existential wisdom. Let’s talk, but it seems all we ever do is talk. Ati men don’t open up? Have you seen men with men? They can’t keep it down, nothing is off the table, let’s go deep. You know what I mean.
Anyway, let’s take the Bible for instance. Yes, I am going there. Think of our sacred texts—the Torah, the New Testament, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita—entire worldviews based on second-hand telling and hearsay, written by scribes with agendas of their own. In the absence of confirmed fact, gossip and rumour are sanctified as truth. We repeat it among ourselves, and history is thus recorded. Isn’t that how we came to believe that lawyers have money? Okay, jokes, jokes.
Men talk less
It is thrown around that men are prone to lust, women to gossip but I dare say nothing is sweeter to a man than rumours. They say men talk less. That men’s mouths are for blessing and cursing and chewing juicy goat ribs. You have been misled. I have seen women whose lips coated in litres of red paint destroy a kill of Maasai goat shoulder, and irrigate their throats with a 750ml mzinga with a kaquater mzinga as chaser. Dry fry. Both the meat and the drink. I also now confirm that men use their mouths for juicy gossip.
But, of course, men don’t say they gossip. We talk. We discuss. We deliberate. We do not gossip. That’s a thing women do, idle chatter. But every man with that thing in his trousers loves to gossip. You want to know something? Yes, everyone saw it happen but ask and nobody knows. Days could pass like this. Gumzo tu. Niliskia. Si ni me nakushow? We “talk” about that man whose wife is sitting on him ki-chapo, and we shake our heads and say that could never be us. I even heard with my own two ears that he is thinking of taking up his wife’s name.
We “discuss” how auctioneers came to Baba Caro’s house and carried everything. Bure kabisa! Don’t say I said it, but I hear that he has vanished. And we told Baba Caro these Gen Zs with flat stomachs like an African rock python will not just eat his money, but him too. Sasa ona. We “deliberate” on the Finance Bill and wonder if they are about to start taxing condoms again because this government is coming for everything. Focus… For married couples, I assume it is even much so. If a family that prays together stays together, what about a family that gossips together? Do they thrive? Bond? Grow? Do the children learn to share information? Does the fire between Dzaddy and Mamaa get sparked into a blaze?
When a couple discusses another couple’s divorce, aren’t they just trying to understand their fights? Is speculating about how someone is buying apartments on their salary while poking fun at ours defamation or discussion? Someone asked for a raise at work, is it time we did the same? Isn’t it all just trying to understand things about ourselves by observing the people around us? Doesn’t it all reinforce our solidarity with each other? That doesn’t mean gossip is ever moral or fair or even true; it’s just that it can also be an enormous amount of fun.
My favourite comment is to say, “Wueh.” It doesn’t matter what the conversation is. That is an appropriate response. That man in State House ruling the country like a tsar to the satraps? Wueh! My boss getting a promotion before me? Wueh! Nani got pregnant to keep a man? Wueh x2. Cynicism? Perhaps. But we live in a time dominated by pessimism and cynicism. These are our bullet-proofs against the vulnerability of hope. Can you disappoint a cynical man?
Extreme positions
Don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about gossip that tears down people. That’s for rookies and people who watch TikTok videos without earphones and support Manchester United. Usually, both. Sorry, I didn’t mean to tear anyone down. Social media, especially, rewards our meanest, least empathetic selves and pushes us towards extreme positions. In this context, the benign exaggerations of gossip can morph into catastrophic untruths.
To paraphrase the Good Book: “A whisperer separates close friends.”
Originally, “gossip” was a noun for a village woman.
It is through gossip that political resistances are born to undermine entrenched systems of power and domination. Isn’t that how we find out other people get paid more for the same amount of work we do?
Let me not forget to mention a verse that comes later, also from Proverbs: “The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels.” The only bad gossip is the one that is delayed. Gossip delayed is gossip denied. To refrain from gossip because you consider yourself at risk of moral corruption is a form of moral neurosis. I may be wrong but I doubt it. Si ni mi nakushow?
