I am asexual, and looking for a marriage of convenience

Hello, I am Mary, I am in my early 30s and a teacher in one of the schools in the central region. My problem is that I’m asexual, and while the idea of sex is appealing I can't bring myself to do it. When I try to be intimate I don’t like it. My problem is I am facing a lot of pressure to settle down from family and friends. So I am looking for someone like me or rather with similar issues for a relationship and maybe a marriage of convenience to contact me.  Only serious people should chat me up.

READERS ADVICE

I suspect that you have made a subjective decision that you are asexual. That will not do. I suggest you consider having a chat with a sex therapist.  

Drive Today Counseling Center- Kitengela

Your condition is personal but instead of bowing to pressure from friends and relatives, see a sexologist to help you learn to cope with the condition and a professional counselor to help you evaluate and improve on your social standing.

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

Some situations are unfortunate. One may end up being psychologically tortured or depressed. I advise you to accept yourself and move on. Don't bow down to pressure from people. Be yourself and create your own happiness.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

It’s a mistake to put up with sex when you really don’t want it. Your feelings including the lack of them are valid. It is also important to discover the reason for your general lack of sexual interest. If you have never felt attracted to a man, or if your lack of interest continues over time, you might benefit from a sexual wellness check-up.

Fred Jausenge- Dubai, UAE

Instead of looking for a partner with a similar problem, how about you prioritise one who does not have that kind of problem. This will not only help you solve a certain percentage of your predicament but also align your expectations in a positive way. All you need is a positive approach with the help of your partner and everything will be fine. You can also consider visiting an expert to help you explore any underlying trauma.

Juma Felix

EXPERT’S TAKE

Your situation as an asexual person is understandable due to your disposition not to crave or desire sexual contact. You should not stress yourself by trying to please others. You do not have to follow the social model of being married or having a family to make friends and family happy. It should be your choice not theirs. Your conscious mind maybe asexual, but your sexual body can be trained to want sex. It is an avenue to consider but again it is up to you. The marriage of convenience may bring you more unhappiness than bliss. I would advise against it. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I’m 36 years old. I’ve been married to my wife for five years. We have been blessed with a five-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy. Our relationship has not been smooth sailing. I met my wife at a time when I was inexperienced on matters to do with relationships. I had a clue of the kind of woman I’d wished to marry but I never had the opportunity to meet one. I wanted a woman who is hardworking, assertive, open minded and intelligent, but I meet the opposite. I’d been single for a long-time; I can say that I was never lucky with women, until I met the one I’m with currently as my wife. When I met her, we rushed things – had unprotected sex and that’s how she got pregnant with our first-born child. I had no option but to marry her thereafter. I never got the opportunity of dating her and knowing her well, because most of the time I was always busy with work.

After two years of staying together, I started realising that we were never meant for each other. We could not even have a meaningful conversation because she is semi-illiterate. I got frustrated and started having girlfriends. She must have gotten wind of my behaviour. Recently I spied on her by setting a call recorder on her phone. Thereafter, I came across some intimate conversation she has been having with other men. I realised she was having affairs outside our marriage. I faced her about her extramarital affairs and warned her never to repeat. I had to forgive her because of our children. I want the children to grow up with both the parents for their emotional and psychological wellbeing. But the pain of discovering her cheating seems not to leave me. I’m in a dilemma, what should I do?

Roddy

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