Heart advice: I love my mpango wa kando more than my husband, what should I do?

My relationship is a weird one. I met my husband on campus, dated for two years, got pregnant and we married in 2009. He got a job and he started coming home late or in the morning. He started cheating on me and worse off with my neighbour.

Life went on and it became really hard for me. I went back to school and at some point, he couldn't support me and the baby. We separated. After two years apart, I got a good job while his contract ended that's when he started looking for us. We reunited but he had impregnated another woman while I was away.

Things didn't go well as he was jobless and an inferiority complex set in. He could drink and storm to my working station (sema embarrassment). I am the one who used to foot all bills in the house and I even paid his fees when he decided to go back to further his education. He would still come home drunk and disorderly. Due to the stress and other issues, I started confiding in my male colleague whom we eventually got so close and eventually got intimate. It's eight years down the line and I’m still in love with him. We can't let go of each other and I always regret why we even reunited with my husband who drinks like crazy, comes home late drunk, wakes up the kids, and causes drama.

He sometimes can't make it home so he is brought like luggage. I dislike him and hate him for his drinking habits and lack of good sex. I really love my mpango wa kando and I feel he understands me better and we click a lot. I gave birth to a child with him yet my husband doesn't have a clue. Please I need advice on what to do or am I crazy myself? Keep me anonymous, please.

READER’S ADVICE

You married the love of your youth, you have both cheated on each other, you have a child each out of marriage, and you are still in love with your mpango? Since you appear to be doing well financially, take your husband to rehab as you also get tested for HIV if you care for your family. There's no pride in having a mpango, however good they may be, because they are stolen goods.

Alcoholism brings along a myriad of issues and once cured, your husband should be in full form. You don't throw away your torn dress, have it mended. Love cares, endures and never tires.  - W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

You come out as a strong woman resisting the storm with some dignity. Your marriage was built on quicksand. You fail to mention the customary and social support systems and why you, a well-schooled and socially aware woman would string a man for all these years while he continues to raise your stress levels. Swallow your pride and 

seek a support system and pour your heart out. I also see a trial separation with appropriate legal guard rails as an immediate option for you as I fear the direction this weird relationship is headed to. - Drive Counseling Centre- Kitengela 

It's clear you do not know where you want to be and with whom. An entanglement of three grown people only works when there is an agreement and mutual consent. Your husband had a share of escapades and you too decided to take that direction with hopes of finding a solution.

If you wanted to find a separate partner and express your love, then you should have parted with your husband first. Consider involving a counsellor to help you handle your issues for a lasting solution. And regardless of your final decision, just make sure to take care of your innocent children. - Juma Felix 

Your relationship has been of convenience and witch-hunt. One wrong led to another until you found yourself in hot soup. Ask yourself what you really need in life. You put yourself in a great mess and you need to tell yourself you can start up again! - Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

Are you legally married to your first husband? If not, you are wasting your time mama and the mpango wa Kando will only use you. The best thing is to move out from the alcoholic husband and figure out what you really want.

This is whether to move in with mpango wa Kando, make things clear or remain in the same condition. Or just find another happy life with someone different, or if you have a job stay with your children peacefully. Hapa unatesa watoto sana. - Asha Akinyi

EXPERT’S TAKE

What stands out are two things. The circumstances that brought you together were not driven by love but by necessity. Having a child together created a toxic bond between you. As much as you are not compatible the laws of attraction seem to merge you. It has been many years and clearly, your heart is no longer in your relationship.

There are no guarantees that a relationship with the other will work, however, if you do not embark on that journey of rediscovery you will never know but will most certainly add to your list of regrets. It is time to find yourself and live out your happiness instead of playing pretend in a dysfunctional marriage. You once had your independence. You need to reclaim it to have a chance of happiness and sanity. - Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I’m a female aged 31 and a mother of three. I was in a marriage that seriously drained my mind. So last year, I got myself into the temptation of cheating because I felt that the person I had was not there for me. Sometimes in May last year, I requested a break from the man I was married to and in June I moved in with the man that I was cheating with.

I conceived immediately and I have a daughter. The dilemma is, I still have feelings for the father of the other two kids and I feel that the current man doesn't love me. This is because I have been mocked by his brother but he doesn't stand to defend me. All they do is laugh as if nothing happened. Should I just leave this marriage and be on my own or what should I do? Kindly advise me.

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