MR SURVIVOR: Hits and misses at the Palace – the year that was!

Man celebrating

If the end of this year is a signal of things to come, then I am poised to enjoy a prosperous 2023.

Photo credit: Fotosearch

After eating Christmas, which as usual we did in style, it is now that time of the year to take stock of the hits and misses of the Palace duet, yours truly and the Queen. This is my annual ritual which, unfortunately, reads like the ‘promises and lies at the Palace’.

Now, 2022 was the most hectic and historic year for both of us. It brought out the best, worst and ugly in us, trashing the idiocentricities and hypocrisy that have characterised our decade-long melodramatic marriage. 

The year started with the madness of the campaigns that culminated in the August general elections. Like in the country at large, the campaigns split the Palace right in the middle with Queen supporting a government-leaning candidate for our governor while I supported a hustler woman candidate.

Queen was not amused, “When men start worshipping women against what the Bible says, only God can help us.”

You all know how the government bungled the nomination and my candidate was denied a chance to be in the ballot. You also know how the unpopular man that Queen supported was shown dust by a newcomer in the hustler’s wing.

Like other supporters of the then government, Queen has never recovered from the loss. To Queen, it was a social, psychological and financial loss. Socially, Queen lost her place as the leader of women in Happy Valley. Psychologically, she has never accepted that they lost the election claiming that kiliibiwa.  

Queen’s financial loss was, however, the hardest hitting. After the loss, the man disappeared from Happy Valley and blocked the contacts of his chief campaigners. They were therefore not paid a cent for all the work they did for him. To make matters worse for Queen, she came back to a rude welcome of empty shelves in her Slopes Supermarket. Her decision to join politics was a big miss.

“Thieves have no shame! You stole our votes and as if that was not bad enough, you stole from my supermarket,” Queen told me.

To buy myself back from marital Siberia into her wifely fold, I had no choice but to take a hustler loan to revive the supermarket. My hope is that Queen learnt from that costly decision and will stick to the church and leave politics to politicians.

I have already told you how I used the hustler’s loan to revive Queen’s supermarket. This was a master stroke of the year for me. The revival of the business really melted Queen’s heart and she accepted me unconditionally. All my sins, real and imagined, were forgiven. Without the hustler loan, I would still be in marital coldness.

Then came the World Cup, and the peace that had reigned after the election was rudely disturbed. This was a big financial hit for me. The football fanatics required reliable and comfortable means of transport home after watching the game to late hours at Happy Valley. My weather and terrain tested and proven German machine, Volkswagen Beetle, came in handy. My coffee became red ripe and I was eating life with a big spoon.

The World Cup boom was quickly followed by the Christmas immigrants from Nairobi. The Nairobian pilgrimage to Happy Valley gave me a shot in the arm. As you very well know, the Nairobians did not find a restaurant worth their class at Happy Valley. This led to the discovery of Kichakani Paradise Resort, at the shores of Lake Olobolosat at the foot of Aberdare ranges.

This new place has been my family’s Sunday afternoon hideout, earning me many bonga points in Queen’s heart of hearts. Since taking the family out to the high-end hotel, we have been re-living our honeymoon days—there is peace, love and unity at the Palace.

The icing in the year’s cake came with the travel home to old man and woman for Christmas. The unwritten rule is that everyone goes home for Christmas. I know Queen would like to dictate otherwise, but my mother is the original mother queen. In any case, the future leaders always demand to go and visit guks and shush

We converged at home for Christmas and the future leaders were excited to witness the slaughtering of a goat. “Nyama ya mbuzi ni tamu sana,” said the first born. “Unajua mbuzi ni swara yanyumbani? Ndio iko tamu hivyo,” said the second born. “Nitaambia baba awe akinunua nyama yaswara,” said the last born. 

And those, my friends, are the hits and misses of yours truly and Queen at the Palace this ending year. As the good book says, the end of something is better than the starting. If the end of this year is a signal of things to come, then I am poised to enjoy a prosperous 2023. I too wish you a happy end of year and a prosperous New Year. Come New Year, come.

Do you have feedback on this article? Please e-mail: [email protected]