Is it ‘devlish’ to try to spice up matters of the bedroom ?

Dear Kitoto,

May blessings and good tidings come your way for the good work you do. My wife and I are ardent fans of your column and that is why I decided to write to you.

My wife is very conservative in the bedroom and this has led to conflict on the way we get intimate. We have one style of making love.

Whenever I want to explore more fun with her she refuses, saying it is “devilish”.

This has led to my being tempted to try with someone else, which I pray I will not do. But the temptation is killing me.

I believe in a faithful union, but I am at a loss as I find our sex very boring. I have lost all interest in doing it with her. What do I do?

Baraka

Hi,

First, I am impressed by your honesty and your desire to enjoy sex within the marital union. Your respect for faithfulness is commendable.

Keep your discipline and avoid the temptation of even thinking of intimacy with another woman.

The guilt and resultant consequences will be difficult to undo. You also have a responsibility before God to love your wife in both good and bad times.

Secondly, with time, I have come to learn that sex and the mind have many things in common.

I am glad that your fight is not about the lack of intimacy, but rather how it is enjoyed.

What we do and think have a lot of bearing on whether we are going to think about sex or not, leave alone enjoy it.

For example, a woman who has had a bad day in the office or had too much work to do around the house may be so tired that sex does not feature as priority among the things that need to be done.

As for you, your desire to want to explore various ways of having sex with your wife must have been the result of some journey your mind has been taking. Of importance is: “What was the trigger of such a desire or mindset?”

Was your trigger from stories you heard from friends, read from magazines, books, the internet, or from videos you have watched.

This is important because your stimuli towards this kind of a desire must be addressed together with your spouse.

My perspective is that your wife may need to be convinced that the styles you are talking about do not violate decent and godly behaviour.

Your wife’s view and perspective on matters of sexuality must considered alongside yours, and the two of you must come up with a joint understanding and appreciation on how God wants you to enjoy sex without condemnation.

IT BOTHERS ME THAT WE HAD SEX

Dear Kitoto,

I am 25. I fell in love with a young woman in 2008. She was my first love and we dated for four years before I started having doubts on whether she was meant for me. My love for her was fading each day.

I am a Christian and I was bothered by this relationship because we had sex whenever we met. I decided to end the relationship this year.

She really loves me a lot and she was very affected by the break-up. She swore she would never fall for any other man. I do not want to get back to her because I do not want to sin again.

Please advise me.

Kennedy

Hi,

I am not convinced by your reasons for leaving her. Both of you have the responsibility to keep purity within the relationship.

Please note that in a relationship where the two who are dating fornicate, they will almost always think that their partner could be doing the same with someone else. I, therefore, suggest that:

1. You examine and evaluate your reasons for leaving her and see if there is any other reason apart from the one you gave.

The reasons for terminating any relationship must not be driven by a selfish agenda that disadvantages the other person. It must be big enough to warrant a disconnect.

2. In cases where those who are dating have compromised and had regular sex, this usually opens a door for suspicion and negative thoughts towards faithfulness.

“If she could sleep with me, then who else is she doing it with?” This tends to be the argument that leads to detachment. As far as you are concerned, you had conquered and it was time to move to the next target.

3. You are jointly to blame for the compromise and sleeping together. She was not the only cause, unless she was the one who would always push you towards breaking your values. Would you say you are a man of integrity and that you were above board in your actions while with her?

Approach this soberly, and seek each other’s forgiveness. Follow this with a decision to stay apart so that you can develop values like self-control and purity that are essential for any relationship.
These values are the ones that will make you different for the future, not changing girlfriends.

Finally, if the two of you cannot restore the relationship due to the past, then release each other and move on.

SHOULD I WAIT OR MOVE ON?
Dear Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship with a man I loved and thought I would marry. But one day he frustrated me, then went away and told me never to call him.

After I inquired from him through text message about what had happened, he told me he thought I was not very serious about the relationship.

He added that his heart was more delicate than an egg and I need to handle him with care. 

I really loved this man and this issue has left me frustrated to the point of moving to a new place to avoid church members. Is this person meant for me or should I look for someone else?

Mary

Hi,

I empathise with what happened. I know that beyond the break-up is the emotional issue that needs to be disconnected, the planning and arrangements that need to be dealt with, and the relative issues that need explaining. But I am also concerned by the way he abruptly left.

This is uncharacteristic of a man who truly loves a woman and wants to walk with her down the aisle, unless there is something you had done, something so bad that he discovered at the last minute.

My suggestion is to let him go. Do not begin to behave desperate towards him. I feel that he needs to love you for who you are.

God values you as a woman and wants you to marry a man who will treat you well.

Remember that when God created marriage, he wanted men to love their wives the way Christ loved the church to the extent that He died for it.

I do not see this in your man. Do not invite yourself back into a relationship where you will face double rejection. Be focused, strong, and seek healing so that you can move on with a heart of forgiveness.

I CAN’T WAIT TO DIVORCE HIM

Dear Kitoto,

I was married for eight years and we separated in 2008. I have not seen my husband since December 2008.
However, last month, he started communicating, saying he wants us to reunite. I have already moved on and want nothing to do with him.

Ours was a church wedding and I now want your advice on divorce procedures.

Do I have any advantage to be granted a divorce on the basis of the time we have been separated? He has been sickly with diabetes.

How will this affect the proceedings? Our marriage bore a girl, now aged 12. What will happen to the assets I have acquired without him? How do I get a good lawyer?

Jane

Hi,

There are several issues I would like to raise. The first one has to do with his request and your refusal. I believe that there are serious reasons why you both walked out of each other’s life.

I am not privy to that history, but it looks like the reasons for your separation and subsequent events are informing your resolve not to have him back into your life.

Secondly, I feel that it takes two for a relationship to work. The fact that you have been away from each other for eight years does not mean that the marriage cannot be fixed.

This road can only be walked if the two of you are willing and desire the same thing.

Third, you should allow your faith to guide your actions. Since you had a church wedding, I am assuming that the two of you tried church reconciliation mechanisms.

God is clear in his word on issues of marriage and reconciliation.

Finally, I realise that this man is sick. I am not sure of when that begun or whether his desire for a reconciliation is prompted by his poor health.

Another issue that only you can answer is the history of the past eight years and how that has been dealt with.

This, in my opinion, may need resolving in your heart so that your final decision is not out of malice but by a kind heart that God would want you to have.

ARE THERE NO SINGLE MEN?

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you once again for the helpful advice you offer in this column. I am 29 and have a problem. I want to get married but I have never met a serious single man.

The men who approach me are always married. I need to hook up with a single man who is ready to settle down because I am worried about my age. Please help me.

Single woman

Hi,

Getting someone to marry can cause great anxiety. The idea here is to pay attention to certain issues.

First, marriage takes two interested parties (man and woman).

Second, in case of a delay in the manifestation of either spouse, the one waiting should avoid anxiety that arises from fear for the future.

If this anxiety is not managed, the one waiting may find themselves being driven into compromises.

Of greater importance is to keep yourself busy with life, opening opportunities to serve and be a blessing to others. Be connected with the rest of the world so that they can experience your warmth and hospitality. This is where you meet others.

The problem arises when we go to every gathering with the agenda of meeting the right man. This will heighten anxiety and make one appear to be desperate.

With time, we judge ourselves harshly and begin to withdraw from public places such as the church and family gatherings. Do not hinge your value on what people say.

Try and treat yourself well and do things that will promote your self-esteem. Pray and keep sober, being watchful over those who may want to take advantage of you.